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Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

For sharing your experiences and feelings about mental illness
minniemoo
Posts: 132
Joined: Fri Aug 23, 2019 10:32 pm

Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby minniemoo » Tue Feb 25, 2020 6:44 am

Hey Em, thanks for the advice. I’ve booked myself in for a couple of little treatments!

Keep us posted on everything. You are very brave and good at taking action. Not many people are as pro active as that! Don’t worry about not working, so many people haven’t worked for years. Obviously you like to keep busy and purposeful but I think it’s great you want to change your previous patterns and not jump in to the same old thing, you are just taking a moment to find something more meaningful which will be better for your long term employment I expect anyway x

littleem
Posts: 500
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby littleem » Tue Feb 25, 2020 4:22 pm

Thanks M :)

How are you feeling? How is the anxiety?

Re the complaint, becoming emotional is totally natural and reasonable. I hope that you receive the support that will promote your recovery further.
Meanwhile, try to go easy on yourself and take stock of just how far you have come already.

This all really worries me.....

, I do think it is bad for me. She affects my self-confidence and I need her to build it up, not knock it down. I need space to do my thing, not worry that she’ll be mad at me when I do.


she pretty does know more or less by every move


she never tells me she loves me, never

..... Do you tell her that you love her?

I don’t think I deserve to do anything for or about me.


..... Would a short break from your partner be possible? (even if it was just for a coffee with the DBT group)
Could a friend help you to do this, e.g. could you stay with a friend for a couple of days?

I ask because I'm wondering if having space would be an empowering experience for you?
Also, as MinnieMoo said, it could enable your partner to see exactly what she is missing and to appreciate you more.
You deserve to be loved and appreciated!!

What would you need to do to make things easier and clearer in your relationship?

Sorry for all the questions! I just want to help. :)

So, news flash!! I moved out and had most of the rent reimbursed! It happened very quickly all in one day! Talk about all or nothing landlady! :lol:

Skype interview was really good!! The couple who run the community are going away next week so my visit is ..... Tomorrow!!
No time like the present!

I'm not usually this impulsive but less time to deliberate is always a positive. :lol:

In the one tomorrow, it's living alongside and supporting refugee women. Living in a simplistic faith based community with the 18-35 range of volunteers (one from Taiwan, two from Germany, two from America, one from the UK and one from Spain) so a real mix!

The other community (mid-March) is very different! My role would be on the housekeeping team serving all the guests that come for retreats (they do lots of retreats for primary and secondary school, plus adults - so very varied) Again, living in a simple like-minded community with volunteers 18-35 from all over the world. But the work wouldn't be serving the poor, here.

No experience is wasted. I'm going with an open mind and no big expectation. I am hopeful, though.

I'm a little anxious about navigating the transport tomorrow but reassure myself that anyone would be.

Relieved to be out of the miserable kitchen jobs and bedsit.

Still being harassed by needy ex boyfriend and his dad on different numbers..... Big long begging messages... Yikes!
I've blocked the numbers but if it continues I will just change my number! It's not nasty, just a bit uneasy.... And I feel guilty because naturally I'm caring but if I reply then that opens the door to more conversation and coaxing.... Definitely a lucky escape!

Keep me posted on how you are doing. Stay strong.

Em xx

littleem
Posts: 500
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby littleem » Tue Feb 25, 2020 7:14 pm

Thanks MinnieMoo,

Your kind words and reassurance mean a lot.

Delighted to hear that you've treated yourself to some .... treatments!! Enjoy! :D

Em xx

littleem
Posts: 500
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby littleem » Wed Feb 26, 2020 9:44 am

Update.

I didn't go to the community today. Anxiety got the better of me. Transport, new people, responsibility, functioning.

Never mind. Back to the drawing board. Trying to accept my limitations. I will soon feel like crap.

User avatar
so sad
Posts: 214
Joined: Tue Mar 11, 2008 1:28 pm

Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby so sad » Thu Feb 27, 2020 11:50 am

Hi Em

Please DO NOT beat yourself up about not going – the time just isn’t right for you. That doesn’t mean to say that it never will be, its just not now. What did they say when you said you weren’t going? How much do they know about you?

Is the second one any nearer? Could someone take you and wait for you/come back for you? I hate getting anywhere – I drive but freak out about traffic and parking.

You’ve got a lot going on, breathe and take it slow. I really don’t want you to feel like crap – limitations are fluid and can change in time. What you feel you can’t do now, may be different in a few weeks’ time. I feel very limited in what I can do so I do get it. My anxiety stops me doing me a lot of stuff which in turn makes me feel pathetic but some days I can do more and get some sense of achievement but those days are rare. I have to believe that things will get better – I want you to do the same – please?

I do tell her I love her, and always have. I totally get that some people aren’t made up that way and find it hard but we’ve been together so long that I think if she felt it, she would say it.

A short break really isn’t possible. A couple of times in the past I’ve gone away with my parents and sister but that was before my sister had children of her own. I don’t have friends to go away with. I would be quite happy on my own but it would break the relationship if I did it.

Communication is awful between the 2 of us. She can’t get her point of view across without being aggressive and forcing me to do things her way. I can’t get mine across because I’m scared of being honest and having the ‘wrong opinion’. We’re very different in personality – opposite ends of the spectrum. When we first got together, she did help my confidence levels but things have changed over the years. I feel bad for being mentally ill because I know I must be hard work to live with but equally, she is very difficult to. She does sometimes say that she knows she is hard work and nobody else would put up with her and I have to agree on that (not that I say it).

So are you back at your Mum and Dad’s now? Hope its going OK?

I wish I had a magic wand for you, I really do. Mental health is so crappy.

I had my 2nd counselling session this week and I felt all over the place. I jumped around, how she kept up with me I’ll never know. I still don’t know what to focus on to make things feel a bit easier. I feel completely hopeless to be honest. No call yet from CMHT but I guess they have until tomorrow to get in touch – I don’t have high expectations.

Have you got any nice plans to treat yourself or just to be nice to yourself over the next few days?

Hope you’re OK,

Much love

M x

minniemoo
Posts: 132
Joined: Fri Aug 23, 2019 10:32 pm

Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby minniemoo » Thu Feb 27, 2020 3:10 pm

Hey em

Ugh my anxiety is creeping around.. A lot has happened already this year and I need to let that stuff process and settle, and not take anything else on for a while.

I’m sorry you feel bad about not going. You may feel very different once Spring really comes around. I wouldn’t want to be on public transport with all these bugs going around!

Mm x

littleem
Posts: 500
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby littleem » Thu Feb 27, 2020 4:59 pm

Thanks M,

They were understanding. I'd previously disclosed my MH issues.

Having transport would help significantly. My dad might be able to help.

I don't think things - for me, personally - will get 'better', but I (as much as my warped cognition wants otherwise) do know that each day can at the very least be endured.

I have suicidal thoughts. I unfortunately won't act on them.

I think I need medication. I felt numb on it, but I functioned. - shit job, shit bedsit, shit love life... but that was better than nothing of all three.

Ever questioned your partner about her not verbalising that she loves you?

Yes, back with the parents. It's okay, thus far. I haven't seen them all that much.
I'm grateful for their support.

I'm finding new job opportunities easily. I am hardworking and want to work. My depression weighs me down so that I feel unable to function, let alone function in a job.

I hope you are feeling better after your counselling session. I hope the CMHT get back to you soon.

No nice plans. How about you?

littleem
Posts: 500
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby littleem » Thu Feb 27, 2020 5:01 pm

Hey Mm,

Sorry to hear you're anxious, but reassured that you know your limits and aren't taking on too much.

Yeah, a few people have said that re public transport.

Have a nice weekend. x

minniemoo
Posts: 132
Joined: Fri Aug 23, 2019 10:32 pm

Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby minniemoo » Thu Feb 27, 2020 6:23 pm

You sound really low em. I’m sorry. You’ve had some quite major things happen and if you are off the meds too, do you think it was almost inevitable there would be some sort of crash? You seemed upbeat until this, given what was happening for you? More so than most people I know could be in your situation!
You say things won’t get better but I think you said there were some things about your previous relationship you did enjoy and looked forward to meeting someone in the future (who was an improvement in the last one!).. You were hopeful about new challenges and had a few options. It seemed like quite a major step to me after such major changes you already had but you were really keen. Your bravery was frankly impressive!

Given the significant change in your tone I was wondering how your parents impact your feelings, is it definitely a good environment? I know your mum has lacked understanding in the past. That has really brought me down personally when someone I care about really doesn’t understand or even try to appreciate my feelings (and has even belittled me).. your mum sounded similar but maybe I was projecting! :-)

minniemoo
Posts: 132
Joined: Fri Aug 23, 2019 10:32 pm

Re: Not wanting to live.... but not wanting to die.

Postby minniemoo » Thu Feb 27, 2020 6:25 pm

I want to crawl up in a bubble and not see anyone till summer..! But I went to a church get together today and will go on Sunday even tho there is quite a crowd! Xxx


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