I dont know who will be reading this. I dont even know what I'm hoping the outcome will be of anyone reading this. I'm laying here in the bath going over all the thoughts in my head and it feels as though it's being crushed by an enormous pressure. I feel nauseous, my anxiety is through the roof, my heart is pounding and I'm short of breath. I have no one to talk to. I have tried that but no one cares, why should they? I'm not their problem..
Where do I even start.. I'm 26 years old and have suffered severe mental health problems since I was 15. I left home at 16 and have never been close with any of my family, you know when nothing is ever good enough for them? I dont know what else I could have done to make them love me. I have always worked hard through school and college, held down a full time job and paid my own way. Still, constantly seeking approval, watching other parents love their children unconditionally and wondering why can't I have that?? Did others not get pushed down the stairs by their father? Did others not get locked out the house and had to sleep in the freezing cold conservatory and use the garden as their bathroom? I knew things were different for me. I just got unlucky. But surely getting out and being independent could only be a positive thing for me right...? Well life hadnt finished fucking with me. I've been seeking approval ever since. For the first time I am putting these words out there for anyone to see. I have been abused. Physically, mentally, sexually. By almost every man I have had a relationship with. With the exception of others who never hurt me and instead I pushed them away with how messed up my head is.
I got so lonely, and then I had my daughter. Who, if she wasnt here today I'd be 10ft underground because nothing on earth has been worth living for except for the fact I darent imagine her going through life without a mum because I was too selfish and wanted a way out. So what do I do. I struggle, day in day out year after year. Working, parenting, fighting life in a constant battle.
Well I only went and fucked up again. I trusted someone, another man. Turned out we had a lot in common, we both had issues. Maybe that's why it worked. He didnt seem to mind that I was broken, damaged goods. He just liked that I liked him despite all his baggage which I thought I was lucky because no ones is worse than mine. 18 months later and I moved him in to live with us. We were planning a future together. Hes 11 years older than me so we felt time was against us and wanted to crack on with our lives. But this girl doesnt get a happy ending, that's not the hand that life dealt me. I'm now trapped in this abusive relationship and whats worse is I have lost all independence to escape. Hes angry, hurtful, unloving, controlling. I cant wear certain clothes, I have to answer my phone straight away or else I'm in trouble. I must not relax until all the house work is done. I'm walking on eggshells doing as I'm told. How has everything gone so wrong for me again. He tells me I'm going to be forever alone. Being alone doesnt scare me, but finding my own two feet and how I get away to start mine and my daughters life all over again terrifies me. How can I protect my daughter when I cant even protect myself!! I need to get us away but I'm financially tied with him and have no equity in anything. I've worked full time for the past 10 years of my life and still I havent a pot to piss in because renting and nursery fees have crippled me.
I find myself beyond desperate. Do I stay with him and try save a tiny amount a month without him knowing to get us away ? I worked out this would take me around 3 years. Ive survived 12 years of bullshit, what damage will another 3 do. Or, and please don't judge me. Do I start this sugar dating crap. Yes its essentially glamourised prostitution but fuck me I've had years of men taking advantage of me for free I may as well undergo it for a further 12 months if it means me getting out???
I dont even know what I'm hoping to get on this, if I even get any response. Last thing I need is trolling or keyboard warriors bashing me. I know no one can help me, or take away the stress and pain I'm going through. I'm really at the end of my tether. Life has cornered me yet again.