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thomuir
Posts: 4
Joined: Mon Oct 14, 2019 6:11 pm

Help

Postby thomuir » Mon Oct 14, 2019 6:27 pm

Hello,

I have a sexual problem that I developed in my teens during my time at an all-boys boarding school where sex had to be rushed for fear of being discovered. As a consequence, I have abstained from sex for most of my adult life because of the problem. That said, I have, in the last 30 years, had 3 lovers.

My first and second lovers both cheated on me (because they were unhappy with our sex life) which caused me a great deal of heartache. I met my third and last lover a couple of years ago. He said that, like me, he wanted a committed relationship and would do everything possible to make it work. We started as friends, and then after some time, it became apparent that we liked each other and both wanted more than friendship.

Before becoming lovers, as I didn't want to set myself up for yet another heartache (as a consequence of being cheated on again) I explained to him that I have a sexual problem that I developed whilst in my teens at boarding school. I also explained that a psycho-sexual therapist advised me that the problem can be easily resolved with the support of a supportive lover and that all websites relating to my problem all offer the same advice. He said it wasn’t a problem and that he would do whatever was necessary to fix my problem. As hard as it was to let my barriers down after the experience I had with my previous two lovers, let them down I did. I let him into my heart and fell head-over-heels in love with him. However, he ended our relationship 4 months ago, mainly, I suspect, because of my sexual problem. He assured me he never cheated on me, even though he was on Grindr shortly before he ended our relationship and rightly or wrongly, I believe him.

During our entire relationship, though I repeatedly asked him to do (at least once a week on top of our "regular" sex) what was necessary to resolve my sexual problem, he refused to try (as it was "too clinical") but then he cited our sex life as a reason for ending our relationship. This was after the four-month “time-out” he asked for (where he might have sex with other men) during which time he repeatedly built my hopes up of reconciliation only to crush me back down again. For example, he told me at one point that he would "move back home on our anniversary” only to change his mind a week later. He was, in my opinion, and in the opinions of several people I have told that are always brutally honest with me, unnecessarily cruel on numerous occasions.

I don’t mind admitting that even though it has been 4 months, I am still hurting, a lot. It's not just because our relationship has ended but also because he knows that had he not said he wanted a committed relationship and would do everything possible to make it work, including whatever was necessary to fix my sexual problem, I would have never entered into a relationship with him. The fact that he knew that but carried on regardless is the bit I am struggling with. I can’t help but feel like he lied to me, that he fooled me into having a relationship with him even though he knew full well that he wasn’t committed to making the relationship work. I cut all ties with him 2 months ago and am going through the process of grieving and healing but the problems I have are these.

As a consequence of having OCD, as hard as I try, I cannot stop ruminating about things like, for example, why he wasn't honest with me at the beginning, before I fell in love with him, why he repeatedly built my hopes up only to crush them back down again and, for some screwed up reason, about him having sex with other men. These are not things I choose to think about it as it kills me and I am taking medication to lessen the ruminating but it isn't working. The obsessive thoughts are preventing me from sleeping properly which in turn is messing my head up further still. This is affecting my mental health in a way that scares me as it results in me having dark thoughts that make me feel very, very uncomfortable.

On top of the issue of ruminating, given my sexual problem and how important a healthy / happy sex life is for a lot of people, myself included, I worry that I am never going to meet someone that is emotionally mature enough to truly commit to having a relationship with me which includes fixing the problem I have. Whilst I don't need a lover to be happy, like a lot of people, I am happiest when in a relationship so the thought of never having another relationship (or of being cheated on again) saddens me, a great deal.

Between the ruminating and the prospect of what lies ahead, my head is absolutely screwed and so I find myself carrying out research online on things that make me feel very, very uncomfortable. I speak very openly with my doctor and have, so far, tried Mirtazpine, Citalopram and Escitalopram but none of these stop the rumination or ideation. In fact, the Escitalopram exacerbated the ideation so my doctor took me off them.

I don't really know what help I am hoping for (that my doctor can't offer) but I would welcome any help anyone might be able to offer.

Thank you

minniemoo
Posts: 83
Joined: Fri Aug 23, 2019 10:32 pm

Re: Help

Postby minniemoo » Mon Oct 14, 2019 11:15 pm

Hey I’m sorry to hear your problems. I would be devastated if someone I had trusted was so flippant about the relationship. He is not the one for you, it sounds like you deserve better.
You seem very self aware and it’s great you are seeking help so you are probably already making progress. Stress tends to make me dwell on things so I’d recommend reducing stress if that might be an issue. Also new challenges and things to look forward to really help me. Is there anything in life you would like to achieve (apart from finding the right person, which will hopefully happen in time) ?
4 months is not that long to still be grieving the loss of someone you loved and to still feel betrayed. Don’t beat yourself up about that but do try to take your mind off it and take small steps every day to move forward. Throw yourself into a new project or hobby and start googling that instead of researching things that make you unhappy. Remember, thoughts are just thoughts, they can’t hurt you or anyone else.

thomuir
Posts: 4
Joined: Mon Oct 14, 2019 6:11 pm

Re: Help

Postby thomuir » Tue Oct 15, 2019 12:38 pm

Hello minniemoo,

Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post and for your kind words; it is appreciated.

I am very in-tune with myself and my emotions and know all the things I should (and shouldn't) be doing right now to get me through this but right now, I find myself to be consumed by "the darkness". As someone that believes that life is a precious gift that should be lived to its fullest, I hate the thoughts I am having but for as hard as I try, I spend all my waking day thinking about how much easier it would be (for me of course but not for those I would leave behind) if I wasn't here anymore.

I am currently taking Citalopram which does take the edge off slightly but I still find myself ruminating. I have tried meditation but (as someone that also has ADHD) I can't slow my brain down enough to get it into the right space. I have also tried to change my thoughts as soon an unwelcome one pops into my head but my OCD overrides my ability to think of something else and so my brain goes back to the thoughts that are torturing me.

Before all of this, I had set up a social enterprise that will support marginalised young adults in a developing country to lift themselves and their families out of poverty but as a consequence of my current mental health, I have neglected and lost all interest in that, to the point that I have not renewed the (now obsolete) website and have dissolved the company.

As someone that is approaching half a century, I know what life is all about and I understand that sometimes, things just aren't meant to be. Had he at least tried, for say, 3 months and it still didn't work out then I would, in time, happily have remained friends. It's the fact that before we even entered into a relationship, contrary to what he said, he had no intention of committing to making the relationship work (including working with me to fix my sexual issue), that's the bit that I am struggling with. Maybe I'm being too sensitive here but doing shit like that is, in my opinion, just cruel. It is, in my opinion, akin to entering a relationship knowing full well that you are going to cheat on your lover (and potentially break their heart in the process) What kind of person does shit like that?

I'm due to start a CBT course soon so fingers crossed that will help eh.

Thanks again for taking the time to reach out.

Take care of yourself and those that you love.

Thom

minniemoo
Posts: 83
Joined: Fri Aug 23, 2019 10:32 pm

Re: Help

Postby minniemoo » Tue Oct 15, 2019 2:00 pm

Hey Thom, it sounds like you had taken a lot on and had good intentions of helping others but your mental health needs your focus right now before you can help anyone else. I think it was good that you pressed pause on the project while you get yourself back on track. At least you tried, and maybe you will try again or do something else with your time. Once you are feeling better (and you will in time), I highly recommend volunteering as you would be a great help to a charity by giving your time for free without the stress of running something yourself.

I’m sure you know of some techniques to help the ruminating and you will learn more at CBT. Perhaps someone on here will suggest something. In the mean time, just go easy on yourself. I don’t think you are too sensitive in not wanting to be cheated on!! It took me months and months to get over something my husband had hidden from me. The dishonesty is crushing if you are an honest person yourself, it’s impossible to understand how someone can do it. When you meet the right person you will cherish them all the more because of this. How are you sleeping?? Xx


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