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Feeling depressed due to being single at 30

For sharing your experiences and feelings about mental illness
lundihakarlsson
Posts: 19
Joined: Sat Aug 31, 2019 2:07 am

Re: Feeling depressed due to being single at 30

Postby lundihakarlsson » Mon Sep 09, 2019 7:50 pm

If you knew how to read, you would see clearly in my first post that:

1) I did not spend nine years studying--I did two degrees at once, as in at first when I entered uni at 17 I studied two degrees in the same time that it takes to study just one. In other words, at first I graduated at 21 with two degrees.

2) I am an American born and raised. Not by choice, but because that is how it is. Despite doing some studying in the UK, I obviously had to move back home because to stay in the UK past the limit would be overstaying my student visa and clearly illegal. So I do not live in the UK right now.

3) As you may well know, in USA there is no public healthcare like Britain's NHS. Everything is privatised and people here pay out of pocket for health services.

4) You do not know my financial situation, which is completely different to when I was studying. I am not "stingy", what I am is a translator who is making basically minimum wage in a place where going to a therapist can easily cost at least $100 (almost 100 quid) per session. This sounds ridiculous and silly if you are in the UK, but this is the reality here in this country.

honeytea
Posts: 17
Joined: Tue Sep 10, 2019 10:53 am

Re: Feeling depressed due to being single at 30

Postby honeytea » Tue Sep 10, 2019 11:47 am

Hi, read most of your post, thanks for sharing. There are a few things about your post that stand out to me. Mainly, you focus a lot on the fact that you're single a virgin. It comes up again and again and sounds like you've put a lot of energy into thinking and feeling like this is the pinnacle of success and normalcy. Why do you think this is? And what about the other parts of your life? You got a double degree by the age of 21 - that's huge. First and foremost you gotta work on those stress levels. Look into self help techniques for reducing stress, see if you can incorporate small things into your day to reduce stress. At the end of the day it's excess cortisol in the brain and going for a walk or mindfulness can reduce these stress chemicals heaps.

Several of my friends are on the autism spectrum and they're the most interesting and fun to be around people I know. They're not unable to socialise or have relationships or sex, they just see things differently to other people sometimes. Which makes them all really unique, surprising and good at whatever tasks they put their minds to. Maybe see a professional for a diagnosis. Knowing whether you are could be a step towards meeting other like minded people. Being shy isn't bad or something to feel ashamed about. Maybe you just need to find your people. I hope you find support on here that helps, even if just a bit.

lundihakarlsson
Posts: 19
Joined: Sat Aug 31, 2019 2:07 am

Re: Feeling depressed due to being single at 30

Postby lundihakarlsson » Tue Sep 10, 2019 10:09 pm

honeytea wrote:Hi, read most of your post, thanks for sharing. There are a few things about your post that stand out to me. Mainly, you focus a lot on the fact that you're single a virgin. It comes up again and again and sounds like you've put a lot of energy into thinking and feeling like this is the pinnacle of success and normalcy. Why do you think this is? And what about the other parts of your life? You got a double degree by the age of 21 - that's huge. First and foremost you gotta work on those stress levels. Look into self help techniques for reducing stress, see if you can incorporate small things into your day to reduce stress. At the end of the day it's excess cortisol in the brain and going for a walk or mindfulness can reduce these stress chemicals heaps.

Several of my friends are on the autism spectrum and they're the most interesting and fun to be around people I know. They're not unable to socialise or have relationships or sex, they just see things differently to other people sometimes. Which makes them all really unique, surprising and good at whatever tasks they put their minds to. Maybe see a professional for a diagnosis. Knowing whether you are could be a step towards meeting other like minded people. Being shy isn't bad or something to feel ashamed about. Maybe you just need to find your people. I hope you find support on here that helps, even if just a bit.


True, I seem to focus on this aspect a lot. I think that it is mostly because people here usually judge me negatively when they find out about my situation. I also become more self-conscious of it each year that passes by. I think that the equivalent for a woman in my situation would be worrying about when to have chlidren as the window for this viability closes each year she gets older. Adding being a virgin would probably make her even more self-conscious like I am.

I did get a dual degree at 21, but for some reason I do not focus on that so much. Maybe I compare myself to people around me too much. I have friends who went even further. I have one friend who was crazy enough to do three at the same time. I have acquainances/friends who graduated from World top 10 unis like Oxford, Stanford and MIT and now are doctors, lawyers, engineers, plus lost their virginity at 14 or 15 and have had multiple relationships. Not only that, but they are chess players, are better than me and have greater achievements in my main serious activity, chess, than I do. But now that I think of it, these people are probably in the top 1% of society in terms of achievement. Not many people can do what they do.

For example, the last time I kissed a girl was at 17. I had already knew her for years, and she had already lost her virginity with someone at around 14. She has degrees in mathematics and physics, and recently completed medical school at Stanford. I feel inadequate when compared to people like this.

My mother has high-functioning ASD and was a virgin until 27. Her father (my grandfather) may have had something similar and was a virgin until 41. Maybe something about us runs down the family line.

When I was growing up, I learnt that there were certain time frames where a male has to complete certain things to be considered normal. First girlfriend was around ages 10-15, virginity should be lost by at most age 15 or 16, etc. A male who failed to do these two things was not really considered a real man. At least that was the impression that I got. I have been told several times, even by family, that I must be severely mentally ill or a failure with women to not have accomplished those basic tasks.

Of course, looking back, maybe I should not have listened to them and put pressure on myself so much. But it is disheartening to know that nowadays, many women, at least here where I live, consider anyone who reached their 20s single and a virgin is basically disqualified from their dating list. I feel like opportunities are closing up as I get older and most likely reach my 30th birthday in the exact same situation.

minniemoo
Posts: 132
Joined: Fri Aug 23, 2019 10:32 pm

Re: Feeling depressed due to being single at 30

Postby minniemoo » Wed Sep 11, 2019 9:52 am

Are a lot of people in America constantly comparing themselves to others like this? I do it to some extent but this is on another level. I am so glad I’m definitely not a high achiever if it leads to this mindset. I would recommend that you figure out what you really want and go for that, then you won’t feel bad when others achieve good things as you will be busy working towards your own goals. You mention all these things that you don’t have but not what you are doing to try to fix them. Perhaps you could spend time volunteering and seeing how bad things can be for others too, helping others can make us feel better in the process, and it will help with loneliness.

minniemoo
Posts: 132
Joined: Fri Aug 23, 2019 10:32 pm

Re: Feeling depressed due to being single at 30

Postby minniemoo » Wed Sep 11, 2019 10:09 am

By the way, I agree that you may want to get a diagnosis as perhaps this is more normal for someone with Aspergers to feel like their peers are surpassing them, as a lack of emotional intelligence may hold you back more in your career and relationships. In which case as I said before, it’s not your fault so maybe you could just accept that it is a lot harder for you but not impossible.

minniemoo
Posts: 132
Joined: Fri Aug 23, 2019 10:32 pm

Re: Feeling depressed due to being single at 30

Postby minniemoo » Wed Sep 11, 2019 10:12 am

You say people there are judging you negatively about your situation, I would recommend not discussing how many girlfriends you’ve had or how many people you’ve slept with, unless it’s a best friend or very trusted family member, or therapist. No one I know would discuss this type of thing in general conversation.

Isap
Posts: 1843
Joined: Fri Feb 06, 2015 1:13 pm

Re: Feeling depressed due to being single at 30

Postby Isap » Wed Sep 11, 2019 1:59 pm

Hey Gorbachev!

I found you a couple of Aspie's dating sites on DuckDuckGo (hate Google). I know you won't stoop so high to find yourself

autismdating.net
uneepi

Actually there are others too

The three degrees you did were in subjects with about a 95:5 male to female ratio. But medicine? Odds are in your favour I believe 49:51 but it may depend which school you go to.

You must be loaded. 20 bucks and a nut says your parents are too. The root of your problems is a lack of love in childhood. I'm sure your mom took good care of you but was unable to express any emotions of affection.

Here's a trade secret known as "Theory of the second best." It works like this. Say you're at a party and there are a few girls. Decide which one you are attracted to most. Then forget about her. Approach the second best one. Obviously all tastes are different but I'll be damned if this theory doesn't work. Honest, this isn't a joke.

Minnie's advice is superb. Yep, volunteer at a homeless shelter. Apart from the benefits to society and your self esteem mentioned by Minnie, you might actually meet a nice woman there too (a volunteer or a homeless woman. Don't be fussy).

Maybe SE Asia bars not a good idea for you. You can call those girls prostitutes if you wish. The difference between them and their western counterparts is that they actually turn guys down if they don't like the look of them. Being turned down by a prostitute is not good for anyone's self esteem.

I think now that among this forum and all the others you posted on, every possible base has been covered. Now it's up to you to take action.

Stalin

Isap
Posts: 1843
Joined: Fri Feb 06, 2015 1:13 pm

Re: Feeling depressed due to being single at 30

Postby Isap » Wed Sep 11, 2019 2:27 pm

And FINALLY .....

If you knew the situation I was in, you would almost certainly be gobsmacked.

Imagine the worst situation it is possible to be in, and triple it.

Homeless? I'd take that option any day.

You're a logical and intelligent dude. Work it out.

The only positive things in my life are
1) I'm not terminally ill
2) I have a cellphone

Over and out

lundihakarlsson
Posts: 19
Joined: Sat Aug 31, 2019 2:07 am

Re: Feeling depressed due to being single at 30

Postby lundihakarlsson » Wed Sep 11, 2019 8:51 pm

minniemoo wrote:Are a lot of people in America constantly comparing themselves to others like this? I do it to some extent but this is on another level. I am so glad I’m definitely not a high achiever if it leads to this mindset. I would recommend that you figure out what you really want and go for that, then you won’t feel bad when others achieve good things as you will be busy working towards your own goals. You mention all these things that you don’t have but not what you are doing to try to fix them. Perhaps you could spend time volunteering and seeing how bad things can be for others too, helping others can make us feel better in the process, and it will help with loneliness.


I probably live in a quite high-achieving area of the country--San Francisco Bay Area is like if you took Oxford and Cambridge, plus all the affluent areas of London, combined all of them and tried to fit them into the area of Greater Manchester. It is not uncommon where I live for someone to have an academic background like mine, or even better. Stanford/MIT/Berkeley/Oxford/Cambridge graduates abound. This city is where the headquarters of Google, Facebook, Lyft, Uber, Twitter are located.

I live less than an hour from Silicon Valley, and about half an hour from Stanford and Berkeley Universities. Steve Jobs, Mark Zuckerberg. One of the biologists who discovered DNA lives in the Bay Area. These people are quite high achievers. Many who work in these areas nearby are graduates of World top 10 unis. A lot of them want to be the next Zuckerberg, or become a high profile scientist like Jonas Salk. The attitude rubs off on everyone.

The only thing close to a relationship was a "more-than-friends" yet non-physical thing with a girl slightly older than I when I was 13 up to age 20. She studied so much that she neglected sleep and her menstruation stopped. However, she has degrees in mathematics, molecular biology (like me), but has a PhD in internal medicine from Stanford, and now working on a postdoctorate in medicine. I think that I compared myself constantly to her academic success. It was too much.

I am trying to change my mindset. My mother and I are in the same boat with this Asperger's thing. I personally am wary of getting a formal diagnosis, because where I live, they might mark Asperger's people as being formally disabled or formally as having psychological problems. Many avoid the formal diagnosis here due to employment issues or just having it on their government records. I plan to apply for a long-term visa to live in Europe soon, and I rather not have these things on my record as well. Both of us are trying self-help though.

You are right that I think too much about this. This past week I ruminated so much that I stressed my body out and right now I have some sort of viral infection.

But I had a discussion with my mothe rvery recently, and she said that we tend to take things too seriously. She turned on the radio and told me to listen. It was song by The Eagles, "Take It Easy". I heard the lyrics Lighten up while you still can, don't even try to understand, just find a place and make your stand, and take it easy. I am trying to shift my mindset to my positive attributes and stop defining myself by this virginity issue.

lundihakarlsson
Posts: 19
Joined: Sat Aug 31, 2019 2:07 am

Re: Feeling depressed due to being single at 30

Postby lundihakarlsson » Wed Sep 11, 2019 10:42 pm

minniemoo wrote:You say people there are judging you negatively about your situation, I would recommend not discussing how many girlfriends you’ve had or how many people you’ve slept with, unless it’s a best friend or very trusted family member, or therapist. No one I know would discuss this type of thing in general conversation.


I get quite a lot of comments from family, notably extended family. My grandmother would sometimes tell me that she would like to see me have a girlfriend before she died. Unfortunately I did not accomplish that. But my aunt keeps telling my mother, either by phone, in person or by text, at least once a week that people in the family keep wondering why I have no girlfriend and if I am "normal". I decided last week to sever ties with my extended family so I do not hear any more of these idiotic comments. I honestly do not know why they are obsessed with my lack of relationships and how weird I seem to them. They criticise me for being single, but are absolutely unwilling to even set me up with women, saying that real men can figure this out for themselves.

I get asked by people at meetups about my relationships. I am not sure if here where I live there are a lot of players and pick-up artist type males, because I encountered quite a few of them. And they often are too nosey and ask other males about their relationship histories. Other than that, some women ask me about my relationships. I cannot lie, so I just tell them straight the truth. Quite often they have a bewildered look on their face. But now I think I will just decline to answer and tell them that it is not their business.


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