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Feeling depressed due to being single at 30

For sharing your experiences and feelings about mental illness
minniemoo
Posts: 132
Joined: Fri Aug 23, 2019 10:32 pm

Re: Feeling depressed due to being single at 30

Postby minniemoo » Tue Sep 03, 2019 9:32 pm

Me again haha. When these conversations come up why don’t you be honest about why you haven’t had time or opportunity to meet someone? Some people may worry it’s something far worse than being a fantastic high achiever! You might have murdered your ex or be a crazy stalker hahaha. Keep it brief and light, you honestly don’t carry a sign that says virgin on it :-) you don’t have to be honest about never having a girlfriend imo.. perhaps be more honest about that as your relationship progresses?

lundihakarlsson
Posts: 19
Joined: Sat Aug 31, 2019 2:07 am

Re: Feeling depressed due to being single at 30

Postby lundihakarlsson » Tue Sep 03, 2019 10:52 pm

I have heard that "joke" many times before. Friends and even family have suggested that I should just fly to Amsterdam, go to the Red Light District and get it over with. I really do not want to do this. Despite it being legal over there, I know that it would just make me feel worthless if I took that option. Having to pay for something that comes naturally for most people is quite a tough proposition.

I suppose that my location is not the best for meeting women--in addition to being the IT capital of the world, it is also the gay capital of the world. Because of this, there is a large amount of men, and the male-to-female ratio in my age group is well over 70%. There is talk here about how the 2020 city census will show how bad that ratio has gotten.

lundihakarlsson
Posts: 19
Joined: Sat Aug 31, 2019 2:07 am

Re: Feeling depressed due to being single at 30

Postby lundihakarlsson » Tue Sep 03, 2019 11:10 pm

minniemoo wrote:Also.... why is it that you want a girlfriend by the way? You haven’t mentioned why except that you worry what others think.


It is not to just make myself look normal, but I would like too have a real relationship. I spend most of my time alone, and I would like to have a companion, a human connection, instead of just being solitary all the time.

minniemoo wrote:When these conversations come up why don’t you be honest about why you haven’t had time or opportunity to meet someone? Some people may worry it’s something far worse than being a fantastic high achiever!


Besides primary school, where most males do not have girlfriends, I attended a very rigourous high school (secondary school + sixth form in the UK), one of the most academically challenging in all of USA. No one really dated in high school because everyone was focussed on getting top marks to get into some of the top 10 universities in the world. I followed suit, and just studied all day and neglected everything connected to social and dating life.

To give you an idea of a typical day during high school, it would be like this:

05.30: wake up, get ready for school
06.30: arrive at school, study a bit
07.30 start classes
15.30: end school, go home
16.30: study, do homework
20.00: study chess, train for tournaments
22.00: study, do homework
00.00: go to bed

As you can see, this schedule is not conducive to dating.

Then at 17, I entered university, and studied two STEM degrees: mathematics and pre-medicine molecular biology. A typical day would be like this:

07.00: wake up, shower, get ready
09.00: arrive at uni, start classes
17.00: come back home
19.00: study, do coursework
01.00: go to bed

Again, like high school, except worse because studying two STEM degrees at the same time was not easy in terms of time management for me. But as you can see, dating barely entered my mind at uni.

Then after that I studied chemical engineering. Same thing, no time for socialising or dating.

Now at 29, I have the time to date. I simply lack experience because of my academic history. Spending my whole day studying. I do not know what women think of this schedule, but this is how my days were. No time for dating.

I suppose that I grew up in an environment where academics was everything. To study all day, get the highest marks you could, this was valued more than social life. Many of my peers have the same problem, they are in their late 20s and do not know how to interact with women. They graduated from Oxford, UC Berkeley, Stanford, Cambridge, MIT, UCSF, London School of Economics, whereever. But they tell me the same thing, that it is hard for them to meet women.

I have no real advice for them--I am in the same situation as they are, except worse.

minniemoo
Posts: 132
Joined: Fri Aug 23, 2019 10:32 pm

Re: Feeling depressed due to being single at 30

Postby minniemoo » Wed Sep 04, 2019 10:54 am

Fair enough.. I guess it wouldn’t seem like a big thing to me as I happily pay people to do things for me that I find hard! Plus most people I know had a pretty crappy first time, it was rarely making love, often drunken and not very good, sometimes they were taken advantage of.. so a prostitute doesn't seem that bad in comparison. But that’s just my experience of close friends and obviously not ideal!

Good luck, loneliness is a horrible thing x

lundihakarlsson
Posts: 19
Joined: Sat Aug 31, 2019 2:07 am

Re: Feeling depressed due to being single at 30

Postby lundihakarlsson » Thu Sep 05, 2019 12:35 am

It is more the self-esteem portion. Even if the first time is bad, at least it is genuine.

I remember seeing recent documentaries about lonely, virgin single males in Japan. Some were my age, some even older. They paid women to just go out to dinner, with zero physical contact. They were so lonely that they had to pay just for someone to accompany them, and then they felt awful afterwards. I imagine that going the Amsterdam Red Light District route and going further would cause even worse self-esteem issues.

There are actually a lot of lonely, single males my age in this city. Probably not very many have the virginity problem like I do, but all of us are quite lonely anyway.

One solution is to move out. I am trying to move to Europe as soon as I can. The city where I live is widely considered a "dating black hole" even for men with no mental issues.

Isap
Posts: 1843
Joined: Fri Feb 06, 2015 1:13 pm

Re: Feeling depressed due to being single at 30

Postby Isap » Thu Sep 05, 2019 8:41 am

Salsa dance classes! Plenty of Latinos where you are and never enough men to go round

Quite frankly I wasn't going to reply anymore to this because on a scale of 0 - 10 with 10 suicidally depressed, your problem merits about 0.5.

Do you think you might be on the autistic spectrum? That would explain a lot and your posts point to that. Not that it changes anything. You obviously have a lot of money so why not get weekly CBT therapy? It would help.

The advice to pay a prostitute is not a joke. It's common sense. But I can see your reluctance to go to Amsterdam. That kind of prostitution is sordid and impersonal.

I was thinking in terms of you taking a trip to SE Asia. Singapore, Hong Kong, Thailand, Cambodia, Philippines, Indonesia, Malaysia. China has a massive sex industry but you need to speak Mandarin. All the major cities have bars usually with a live band where girls hang out. Normal girls, except that they're short of cash and want an iPhone. You can wait for a nice one to approach you, buy her a drink, take her out for a nice meal somewhere, then back to your place for guaranteed sex. No pressure on you to perform. Virgin problem sorted! It can be very good sex too with plenty of warmth and affection thrown in. Many of these girls are single moms and come from cultures where they're expected to treat men well. Not in the least sordid. Feels like a regular date.

Somehow I don't think you'll take to the idea.

To love someone else you need to love yourself and you are full of negativity and self- loathing. Not good. Get therapy.

Good luck. You won't hear from me any more.




I

lundihakarlsson
Posts: 19
Joined: Sat Aug 31, 2019 2:07 am

Re: Feeling depressed due to being single at 30

Postby lundihakarlsson » Thu Sep 05, 2019 7:54 pm

Yes I think that I am on the spectrum. My mother has high-functioning autism/Asperger's, and her traits such as awkwardness, introversion, poor at noticing body language and metaphors, etc., are very similar to mine. Except mine are worse. I suspect that I have inherited it from her.

It probably does explain a lot. Several women have already asked why I failed to understand their figurative language and instead took it literally. But it is what it is.

penelope
Posts: 2
Joined: Sat Sep 07, 2019 7:19 am

Re: Feeling depressed due to being single at 30

Postby penelope » Sat Sep 07, 2019 5:11 pm

Loneliness and disconnection, oh boy I feel you.

I don’t think hiring a person to experience your first intimacy is what you’re looking for and I think you’re right that actually, you could end up feeling more lonely than before and on top of that, shame and fear.

I wish you can take some comfort from knowing though that you’re not alone. You’re not different or behind everyone else. You are absolutely where you need to be - noticing that this is something you may be missing and exploring potential solutions. I suppose the harder work comes in when you start taking more proactive steps to meeting someone, but you can be as messy and imperfect as you need to be. You will get rejected probably, you’ll feel awkward and uncomfortable. Maybe treat each unsuccessful attempt at connection as a trial run. Not everyone is going to ‘get’ you but give it time!

My own outlook right now (although not a virgin so I can’t speak directly to that), is that trying to find someone to make *me* feel loved is going to land me in trouble if/when it doesn’t work out. Our most important relationship should be with ourselves. You have so many amazing qualities and achievements so I’d totally recommend finding a bit of compassion in there for you first, then work outward. The person you need to meet is on your path somewhere.

All the best and stay strong.

lundihakarlsson
Posts: 19
Joined: Sat Aug 31, 2019 2:07 am

Re: Feeling depressed due to being single at 30

Postby lundihakarlsson » Sun Sep 08, 2019 11:09 pm

Thanks for the perspective.

Yes, I think going that other route is definitely self-damaging. It does not really "count" anyway, because it will not have happened naturally.

I thought about family history a bit. Like I said above, my mother has social anxiety and is introverted, plus has high-functioning ASD. For this reason, she was a virgin until age 27. But then I remember that her father (my maternal grandfather) had anxiety and was introverted; he was a virgin until around age 41. He was born before the end of the First World War, yet I am only 29. So clearly something in that line of the family has some difficulties with relationships.

I think that I take too seriously what others think of me, that is true. I severed all ties with my extended family and only interact with my parents. Cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. all gossip about me having problems because they never have seen my girlfriend(s). So not only are people in general quite judgemental where I live, but my extended family are quite judgemental of me.


Maybe this varies by region, but as a woman, what do other female friends say about this subject? In my experience, male friends/acquaintances would outright insult or belittle me if I revealed this to them. They often tell me, "You know, I was a virgin only until 14" or something similar. Women in general, including female relatives, tend to tell me negative comments, such as, "What is wrong with you?". Of course not all of them do this, but I would say way over 50% do.


I understand what you mean. I only seriously started even trying dating at around age 25/26. So when others started at age 12 or 13, I only have a few years of trying. They are at the 90 m mark in a 100 metre race, when I am barely at the 5 m mark.

Maybe I am too hard to myself. I tend to be around very high achievers and people who seem to have everything right going for them. I am proud that I have degrees in mathematics, biology and chemical engineering and plan to apply to medical school soon. Yet I have many peers who top that and graduated from Stanford, MIT, Oxford, Cambridge, Berkeley, etc. in medicine, law, physics or whatever with perfect marks, plus are married already. I suppose that comparing myself to them, I will always feel inadequate.

I have been rejected many times. It hurts, but a bit less each time. I am still learning, trying my best.

Isap
Posts: 1843
Joined: Fri Feb 06, 2015 1:13 pm

Re: Feeling depressed due to being single at 30

Postby Isap » Mon Sep 09, 2019 7:49 am

Hi Boris Yeltsin!

I think you know why I called you that.

Your posts have reached the point now where you are actually wasting people's time. You have received some excellent advice (not from me) but have just dismissed it all.

Three uni degrees? So 9 years at uni? Did you choose unis which were male only?

For me your biggest problem is that you are STINGY. Stingy with your emotions, stingy with praise, stingy with thanks and no doubt stingy with money too. You can afford therapy but you're too stingy to pay.

The best advice I read is to join an online dating forum for autistics. You're not going to have much luck with "normal" women because of your attitude.

Good luck. Sorry to be so harsh but it might be what you needed.

Isap


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