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FLAT

For sharing your experiences and feelings about mental illness
littleem
Posts: 500
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

FLAT

Postby littleem » Mon Jun 17, 2019 11:37 pm

More so over recent weeks have I been feeling downright fed up.

I can describe it as needing to let out a heavy sigh and feeling "'what's the point?"
Sometimes I just want to go to bed, pull the duvet over my head and tell everyone to just leave me alone.

Once a week, I have a day off and the house to myself. Free of any guilt, I let myself waste away the hours in the reassurance of sleep.

I arrange to do nice things that I genuinely want to do for myself and which are achievable, then cancel not due to anxiety but because I have no motivation. By the evening, I regret having not made the most of my free time.

I am not a lazy person. The underlying thought driving this is: What's the point?..... There's no point...... Why bother?

I feel like all I do is work and sleep. I don't enjoy things I used to like going to church, spending time with family and creative hobbies. I watch box sets and read which distract me but bring very little enjoyment. I feel like going home when I am out. Again, driven by the feeling that whatever I am doing is either pointless or just boring.

My job's alright. The ideal fit for what my mental health can manage. But even that feels a bit 'meh'.

Persistent back pain affects my mood. My job aggravates it.

To be honest, I feel like I need to do something really fun. Life feels so boring, so beige, so bland...... Groundhog Day.

There's a limitation to what I can explore though. Anxiety can be crippling when I am faced with goals I'm not ready for.

Once I'm out I am fine, it's just the getting out that sucks. Mornings are the worst.

I don't really have anyone to talk to so I thought it would help to moan a bit here.

Any thoughts behind my low motivation and advice as to how to address it would be kindly appreciated! Thank you

Em x

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1719
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: FLAT

Postby andthistoomustpass » Tue Jun 18, 2019 7:28 am

Hi Em! Sorry I'm not up to replying right now. hope you get some more responses soon.
xxx

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1719
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: FLAT

Postby andthistoomustpass » Thu Jun 20, 2019 10:15 pm

What about going back to part time work?
How about remembering you are more than good enough for other people and that most people are nice?
How about trying something completely different but escapable such as that Catholic group we talked about?
How about an off peak return on a local train service, get off where you like and take a look around?
How about a pet?
How about you visit your mum and steal an examination bed, plenty good for backs?

How about... I could go on you know? :) xxx

littleem
Posts: 500
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: FLAT

Postby littleem » Sat Jun 22, 2019 6:03 pm

Hey!! :D

Aww thanks for replying.

1. Something has snapped with me and work. I don't want to be there. You know the reasons why. So yes, I will reduce my hours whilst I am looking for something better. I've not been coping there lately if I'm honest. I think I might have just quit. ??

2. True.

3. I did this yesterday and went to a new support group that was really good!!! Prayer group tomorrow. I've already asked my mother to ensure that I go!

4. That is an awesome idea!!! Seriously! :D On my day off last week, I left the house with my mam when she went to work. This guaranteed that I got out of the house early to do something with my day. Will continue to do this.

5. I wish!! Not until I move out though. Woof! Woof!

6. Genius. ;) Haha!

Thank you. Especially for the train journey idea.

Hope you are well. Xxx

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so sad
Posts: 214
Joined: Tue Mar 11, 2008 1:28 pm

Re: FLAT

Postby so sad » Mon Jun 24, 2019 8:30 am

Hi

Its great to hear from you but so sorry you're not in a better place.

Motivation, or lack of it, can be so destructive as it takes away so much from us and makes us miss out on the good stuff.

Could you set yourself one small target a day that would then give you some sense of achievement when you've done it. It doesn't have to be anything hugely significant - just a bit of something.

I'm sorry the job hasn't work out like you thought - working with mental health is a nightmare. What else do you fancy?

I love the train idea too - genius!

Wish I had more to suggest

Mx

littleem
Posts: 500
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: FLAT

Postby littleem » Tue Jun 25, 2019 5:20 pm

Hey M,

Lovely to hear from you. How are you doing?

The goal and reward idea could work really well for helping me hold down my shifts. Thank you.

I spoke openly with my boss this afternoon. Outcome is, I HAVE to finish each shift regardless of how bad I am feeling and I HAVE to give at least 24 hours notice if I feel unable to work a shift. This is my last chance. My hours are still full time and from next week I should be able to get Friday nights off to go to a support group.

I think having a sense of responsibility will be good for me to face my problems rather than run away from them.

I'm feeling quite vulnerable at the moment. Very emotional.

Day off tomorrow so I plan on hoping on a bus or train and going for a (mini!) adventure. Baby steps. Getting out somewhere different will be nice though.

I hope you are as well as you can be just now.

Thanks for posting.

Em xx

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so sad
Posts: 214
Joined: Tue Mar 11, 2008 1:28 pm

Re: FLAT

Postby so sad » Wed Jun 26, 2019 11:37 am

Hi

Working full time is hard, really hard. It feels like there is no room to manoeuvre or space for yourself but I agree about it giving us a sense of responsibility (which is also a scary thing).

Your day off sounds lovely - remember, if it doesn't go to plan then that's OK.

I'm not in a good place - overwhelmed and alone. I've been having DBT for almost 12 months and it ending in July leaving me with no real support. I know they can't take away from me what I have learnt but its not enough. I feel broken and a failure - but hey, that's nothing new.

Let us know how your day goes and remember, you are incredibly strong even if you don't feel it

xx

littleem
Posts: 500
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: FLAT

Postby littleem » Tue Jul 02, 2019 11:45 pm

Hi,

Really lovely to hear from you. Thank you for your words of kindness and reassurance.
I'm sorry to hear that you aren't feeling in a very good place right now. You are not a failure. Completing twelve months of DBT in itself is a testament to that. You have shown real strength, courage, honesty, persistence, commitment and resilience.

I encourage you to be honest with your treatment team. They have a duty of care. Share your feelings and fears with them.
Identify the residual issues that take precedence in this stage of your recovery and decide exactly what support you feel you need to address, better manage and/or overcome them. Are further treatment options available and accessible, e g. Input of a mental health professional of a different job role, a different form of therapy, a support group etc.
Also, explore what sources of support are available within your local community.
Completing DBT doesn't have to be 'the end'. Rather, what do YOU feel is the most appropriate 'next step' to take.

The dark fog lifted thankfully. The dips of depression are no longer frequent. This most recent one was probably the first in a year.

I didn't go on a big train adventure..... Spent the day in bed.... But I am in a better place now and that is most important.

I am aware of my potential and capability for more. I have experienced the possibility and pleasure of being challenged, content and fulfilled. I have also experienced the loss of opportunity, the longing for more, and boredom, sadness and feeling unsatisfied. Opportunities have been compromised by my mental health difficulties. I can accept this, but I struggle to be content with the consequential situation I am in. I can accept that I will not have a romantic relationship, have children and raise a family, that I will unlikely to ever move into a nice place of my own and will never make my own family home, that I will not have a professional career and earn more than the minimum wage, that I will not at present be able to travel alone in the world, that I look twelve when I'm 25..... But the state to which I have been reduced does get me down. I feel loss sadness, regret, self-pity, emptiness, inadequate, jealous, bitter, lonely, embarrassed, ashamed, guilty and defeated. Such emotions are enough to make anyone want to shut out the world and wallow in their own bed of misery.

That's my problem: unfulfillment.

Causes me to think: What's the point?

Which leads to tiredness, low .mood and withdrawal. All of which cause depression.

I hope that you are having a brighter week this week and that you get the support you want and deserve.

I'm here if you ever want to talk.

Take care of yourself. Love Em xxx


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