I spent most of last summer going from a massive high followed by a crippling suicidal depression. A further stay followed - six weeks around xmas.
I was discharged in January this year. I now find myself depressed just six weeks from my last admission. I know that i suffer from rapid cycling bipolar1 but in such a short period of time i find myself unwell once again. I fear that i may end up in hospital for a further 3 month this summer on a level 4 suicide watch. I am not, (and my pdoc knows this) that i am not an attention seeker nor is it a cry for help because i know that there are a host of professionals that can come to my aid.
My suicidal ideology is focussed on intent rather than an idea.
I am not suicidal at present but once i start to feel low it is like me jumping off a precipice - i go down so quickly.
I feel that life is disappointing and this is no way to live. Sometimes i feel that i would be better off dead and that my family would be better off without me.
My CPN is coming to see me tomorrow so she can become familiar with my situation. I feel so listless and have no energy. These are further signs of me becoming unwell.
I am sick and tired of being sick and tired with little relent. I have tried to keep myself busy despite of my lethargy. I collect old postcards so i have been online perusing the cards that i might purchase.
I seek support here because i am simply overwhelmed by my bipolar. In essence, I am finding it difficult to cope with it at the moment.
Sorry for this long post.