How do you do it? How do you begin to fight against the demons that consume your thoughts every day, telling you you are worthless, unloved, unwanted and the world would be a better place without you in it. How do you begin to untie the knots in your brain, your heart, your stomach. How do you push through the heavy blackness that won't allow you to escape and feel ‘normal’ I don't know. What I do know is that I have to try.
Depression is evil, it takes every thing from you and leaves nothing but a shell behind, people say 'she's attention seeking’ 'she's a bitch’ 'she's evil’ 'dont feel sorry for her, she'll only do it again’ all reminding you of the hurt and damage you have caused, to your children, family, partner and friends, and not believing for one minute that you could ever change, so they stop listening, cast you away as if you are all the things your mind is telling you you are, and you shut down, believing that that all they say is true, and the voice in your head is saying the same, so what's the point in trying anymore? the fear and desperation grows. But all the while you have a voice inside that is pleading for someone to try and understand, to show you you have something worth living for, that someone believes in you, and wants to help you find a way out of the blackness.
The sad thing is, sometimes the more they try, the more you push them away.
I have fought with my demons for as long as I can remember, always feeling that I was not good enough, that someone better would come along and people would realise that I'm not a good person, that I'm not worth anything.
I tried to take my own life, it was only then I got help, I went to the therapy groups, started taking medication and thought I was doing really well, all the while I was drinking, not every day but more than I should, and alcohol and depression do not mix. When I drank heavily I would become aggressive towards my partner and after this last episode, was arrested and now can't be with my children for 28 days. The first new year I have ever been away from them. Depression is destroying me and if I drink I will be helping it. I realise that I must not drink. At all. That alone won't make me better, I must seek and get the help I need to try and fix my mind. I have to get better. I won't let depression take my life.