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I cant do this anymore. I want to end it.

For sharing your experiences and feelings about mental illness
nowitmakesense
Posts: 10
Joined: Sat Dec 15, 2018 5:16 pm

I cant do this anymore. I want to end it.

Postby nowitmakesense » Tue Dec 18, 2018 12:12 am

My mother died 3 years ago and i had to resusitate her but failed to keep her alive.
I have ignored it but tonight i had a breakdown and cried for the first time.

I still have flashbacks of the night and smell and taste everything.

I have ignored it all for my families sake and havent told them the details.

I have abused alcohol and drugs for 3 years since to stay sain but tonight it caught up with me.

I do not want this any more and cant see a way out.
Please help before stupidity kicks in.
I do not want to give u details because its making angry.
I hate thinking about it and its reaching boiling point.
Advize.... please....
I cant do this help me.please

maisi
Posts: 527
Joined: Fri Jul 20, 2018 9:29 pm

Re: I cant do this anymore. I want to end it.

Postby maisi » Tue Dec 18, 2018 2:09 am

Hey, hey, hey,

that's terrible, what can you do but just bear that. And be proud of yourself. You can say it all here, and other places, cos you need to be able to talk about it, and believe it or not there are people who that sounds realistic to. It's terrible, but not unbelievable, because people do go through some awful fucking shit sometimes. I've been in intensive care while parents have lost their kids, while I was channeling everything I had to hope my kid would survive, and I'll never ever feel ok, cos my kid will never be 'ok'. You don't need to be ok about that experience you described, your normal human needs should be recognised- that it's trauma, that you need to be listened to. Don't think that how you feel is abnormal, that's what I'm trying to say, and there's help out there. Oh and here.

maisi
Posts: 527
Joined: Fri Jul 20, 2018 9:29 pm

Re: I cant do this anymore. I want to end it.

Postby maisi » Tue Dec 18, 2018 9:17 am

Hi nowitmakesense,

I'd had a drink last night when I posted my reply, and want to reply more soberly. You went through an awful and traumatic experience the way you lost your Mum, I can't imagine what it felt like for you.

Because you have flashbacks and vivid memories of the smell and taste etc it really sounds like a PTSD reaction, which would be a completely normal thing to happen in the circumstances. But you have to deal with it because it probably won't just naturally wear off if you leave it. You really need to see your GP, tell them you have flashbacks and the other reactions, and ask for counselling. Please do this, you'll be so much better off, and able to grieve without the really powerful and nasty reactions. Don't leave it to take more and more of your strength.

Take care, sorry for my more emotional reply

Maisi

upwards-is-the-aim
Posts: 554
Joined: Tue Oct 09, 2018 9:16 pm

Re: I cant do this anymore. I want to end it.

Postby upwards-is-the-aim » Tue Dec 18, 2018 10:50 am

I am with what Maisi says - it wont just go away on its own or it would have done so by now

So look after yourself - as best you can - and go and see the GP

My common advice is print of your forum post and take it along with you

Then it is there in black and white for the GP

Good luck
Trying to help and be supportive to others on this forum is one of my attempts to reduce my own depression. Getting ourselves out of our own head circles is usually a good thing to do. Maybe try it yourself

nowitmakesense
Posts: 10
Joined: Sat Dec 15, 2018 5:16 pm

Re: I cant do this anymore. I want to end it.

Postby nowitmakesense » Tue Dec 18, 2018 12:51 pm

Hey, thanks for the replies

I have sobered up and taken another day off work.

I must add the 'flashbacks' are few and far between this year and have faded some what. The first year was intense. I would drink a couple bottles of red and pop sleeping pills to knock myself out so i wouldnt have nightmares. Second year was not as bad as the flashbacks were less often but would still pop up at awkward times. This year has been much better, i think I can say less than 1 a month but last night i sat on the kitchen floor sobbing to myself. Last months diagnosis of cyclothymia has made me want to be more open about these things with my wife so i went up to the living room last night and just said" i miss my mum" and sobbed again.
As a side note, i am seeing my gp again today. Although i agree with a cyclothymia diagnosis i think it was given incorrectly.
The report missed so much out and said i did stuff that i said i didnt and vice versa. Perhaps if he had asked me if i had ever self harmed i would have told him 3 years ago i woke up in hospital xmas day, instead of just writing i dont self harm.

As another side note, i did last night. Was about to cut myself a 3rd time but i asked muself what i was doi g. Not goin through that again.

Thanks for talking to me


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