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Losing strength to carry on

For sharing your experiences and feelings about mental illness
jackfrost
Posts: 1
Joined: Mon Dec 10, 2018 3:54 am

Losing strength to carry on

Postby jackfrost » Mon Dec 10, 2018 4:20 am

Hey all,

So I just feel like I'm standing at the edge of the abyss, staring into the void looking back at my life and people saying it will get better but it just seems to get progressively worse and im breaking, I'm losing the strength to carry on putting on a smile every day when I'm dying inside. I just can't do it. I'm looking for a reason to and I can't find one.

My life didn't even start of very well mum has mental health issues too and she couldn't look after me
I was abused at my aunts spat at, thrown around like a rag doll. Left hers at the age of 3 then went into foster care which I can only describe as the only good part about my life. But then the my foster carer had a accident and couldn't look after me no more she wanted to adopt me but she couldn't look after me any more and my needs to I was adopted by these hellish people. I literally don't know how the social failed so badly to put me with those people but they made my life 100x worse to the point I suffer with ptsd now and manic depression.

I didn't do well in school cause of my behaviour but I know that was outburst of anger of what I was experiencing at home which no one paid any attention to until the damage was done. I got no grades or qualifications. I apply for jobs now and just get constant rejection as I lack the interpersonal skills to do well at a interview even when I get offered one on the rarest of occasions. My body is scared due to all the self harming over the years, I've tired every medication that has never helped. I've done numerous of drugs even ketamine to try and have some level headed thoughts and nothing is working. I'm now losing appetite, rapidly losing weight, not socializing. People come and go out my life cause they can't handle me.. So how do I change something that is a big part of who I am, I'm damaged, I'm covered in scars and every day I get closer to the edge. If I had a button to press for a painless end id of pressed it long ago. Often I find myself uncontrollably crying. I just can't cope with it any more.

I'm not religious but I choose to believe in reincarnation, a rebirth of the soul in a new body. I'm fading and I speak to my family about it but they never take me seriously, I speak to mental health services but they don't find me that bad cause I hold back the information about the drugs and other reckless behaviour cause I don't wanna be sectioned I just want to find a way to be start a new life but it's not gonna happen.

So what other option is there but just to jump?

upwards-is-the-aim
Posts: 554
Joined: Tue Oct 09, 2018 9:16 pm

Re: Losing strength to carry on

Postby upwards-is-the-aim » Mon Dec 10, 2018 10:57 am

jackfrost wrote:Hey all,

So I just feel like I'm standing at the edge of the abyss, staring into the void looking back at my life and people saying it will get better but it just seems to get progressively worse and im breaking, I'm losing the strength to carry on putting on a smile every day when I'm dying inside. I just can't do it. I'm looking for a reason to and I can't find one.


Well I feel that I could have written that

Oh welcome to the forum by the way

There are other options and you need a plan of action but only start by making small changes

So if you could what might you like to change first

PS I assume you are already doing all the normal things like exercise - be social etc
Trying to help and be supportive to others on this forum is one of my attempts to reduce my own depression. Getting ourselves out of our own head circles is usually a good thing to do. Maybe try it yourself


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