Postby parakeet » Fri Dec 07, 2018 10:42 pm
Hello. I would like to share about my mental condition.It all started, when I was a teenager. My parents had a lot of arguments even fights. I've been abused sometimes also. Sometimes I tried make my parents happy, with cooking, cleaning house, taking my little brother from kindergarten. But they always were sarcastic about that, like my all actions are obvious to do. I never was appreciated. After years I moved to United Kingdom( at age 19, now I am 23). And then started real struggle. More than a year I've been feeling very hateful. I hate everything what I do, what others do, mostly I hate happy, smiling couples or companies of friends. I do everything to get rid if hateful thoughts, like nobody loves me, I am useless, I want to die etc, but it makes me feel worse. Firstly it were just thoughts, which turned to actions. I do not harm others, but I harm myself a lot. And I find it somehow anti-depressing. Sometimes I think about to kill myself, to make other lives much better without me. I live with my boyfriend, firstly he was concerned about me, tried to calm down, but now he doesn't really care. Sometimes he have arguments and it leads my mind to go and just wash myself from earth. My aggression gets so high, that I even can't see properly or don't see nothing, sometimes I "wake up" with something sharp in my hands, blood on the floor and scars on arm. Before I had very toxic relationships, where mostly guys were very vicious to me. One of them abused me very badly, not only mentally, but even physically, I even had a lot of bruises.. Now, my boyfriend went with his colleagues to Christmas dinner, but I sitting in room, full of hate, paranoid, depressed (lately we had very bad argument). He loves me and I love him, but my hate, rage is ruining my relationships. I get really scared of myself, I think, that I am main villain. Like I man that only one, who ruins all people lives around me. But most I hate myself, than everyone. I hate, how I look, I hate my body, I hate my talents, my smile, my affection to others, my love to my boyfriend. I am so hateful, that I find hard to enjoy even tea.I am sleeping very badly, every night crying , I eat like 2 times per day and it's breakfast and mostly some ready meal or snack. Today I was so close to suicide...I am really desperate and scared. I am trying everything, to think positive, do lovely things, but nothing helps. It is useless. Maybe that is not like big hate, but aggression or flashbacks from past, but sometimes I realise, I think, that I hate everyone. I don't know what to do. I don't want to take any AD. I hope someone got through this one and will share his advice...