I can't help myself anymore.

[parakeet]

Hello. I would like to share about my mental condition.It all started, when I was a teenager. My parents had a lot of arguments even fights. I've been abused sometimes also. Sometimes I tried make my parents happy, with cooking, cleaning house, taking my little brother from kindergarten. But they always were sarcastic about that, like my all actions are obvious to do. I never was appreciated. After years I moved to United Kingdom( at age 19, now I am 23). And then started real struggle. More than a year I've been feeling very hateful. I hate everything what I do, what others do, mostly I hate happy, smiling couples or companies of friends. I do everything to get rid if hateful thoughts, like nobody loves me, I am useless, I want to die etc, but it makes me feel worse. Firstly it were just thoughts, which turned to actions. I do not harm others, but I harm myself a lot. And I find it somehow anti-depressing. Sometimes I think about to kill myself, to make other lives much better without me. I live with my boyfriend, firstly he was concerned about me, tried to calm down, but now he doesn't really care. Sometimes he have arguments and it leads my mind to go and just wash myself from earth. My aggression gets so high, that I even can't see properly or don't see nothing, sometimes I "wake up" with something sharp in my hands, blood on the floor and scars on arm. Before I had very toxic relationships, where mostly guys were very vicious to me. One of them abused me very badly, not only mentally, but even physically, I even had a lot of bruises.. Now, my boyfriend went with his colleagues to Christmas dinner, but I sitting in room, full of hate, paranoid, depressed (lately we had very bad argument). He loves me and I love him, but my hate, rage is ruining my relationships. I get really scared of myself, I think, that I am main villain. Like I man that only one, who ruins all people lives around me. But most I hate myself, than everyone. I hate, how I look, I hate my body, I hate my talents, my smile, my affection to others, my love to my boyfriend. I am so hateful, that I find hard to enjoy even tea.I am sleeping very badly, every night crying , I eat like 2 times per day and it's breakfast and mostly some ready meal or snack. Today I was so close to suicide...I am really desperate and scared. I am trying everything, to think positive, do lovely things, but nothing helps. It is useless. Maybe that is not like big hate, but aggression or flashbacks from past, but sometimes I realise, I think, that I hate everyone. I don't know what to do. I don't want to take any AD. I hope someone got through this one and will share his advice...

[upwards-is-the-aim]

Well good on you for struggling on with all that - I am impressed that you can and are doing

There is a lot there to deal with

So if you chose one that you would like to discuss and try and deal with first what would it be

Also try and get routine into your life as much as possible - and make exercise and quiet you time sitting in a cafe watching the world go by - part of that

[maisi]

Hi parakeet,

Sorry it's feeling so hard, it doesn't have to stay like that, there's definitely a real, right way to live in line with all your potential. Try not to self harm, there are ways you can do a different action when you want to do that, like stroking your arm, smelling something good etc, try and google advice on that.

You know your feelings so well, try asking your GP about counselling because it will be such a relief for you I think, to have someone hear you on all this? Even if you told them the whole truth about how bad you feel, you're still in control of what help you want/don't want, so don't have to take Ad's if you don't want to. Your boyfriend sounds good even though it's tough.

Talk here more too, and recognise any and everything that feels good, however small, so you can plan your route out of such bad feelings.

Post again?

x

[yaz]

Hey there,
I am so sorry you are in this dark place. This whole year has been crazy for me too. I have had childhood trauma, diagnosed with ptsd and depression at 10 and later anorexia.
Honestly I started an antidepressant sertraline 3 months ago, which is for people with depression, anxiety and post traumatic stress disorder. Before my antidepressant I suffered angry outbursts even in public! Suicide attempts, self harm, constant crying, panic, mood swings, violent thoughts since December last year. literally lost myself and couldn’t control my emotions. You sound like your in a such a dark place I think u should see a gp tell them your symptoms and try a medication. They are a temporary fix and once u feel more in control you can start putting putting things back together and slowly stop them when your ready. You sound like such a nice person and honestly things will get better! I know it feels like you will never feel normal again, but you will. We all understand and are here for you!
Sending hugs!!

[parakeet]

Hey there,
I am so sorry you are in this dark place. This whole year has been crazy for me too. I have had childhood trauma, diagnosed with ptsd and depression at 10 and later anorexia.
Honestly I started an antidepressant sertraline 3 months ago, which is for people with depression, anxiety and post traumatic stress disorder. Before my antidepressant I suffered angry outbursts even in public! Suicide attempts, self harm, constant crying, panic, mood swings, violent thoughts since December last year. literally lost myself and couldn’t control my emotions. You sound like your in a such a dark place I think u should see a gp tell them your symptoms and try a medication. They are a temporary fix and once u feel more in control you can start putting putting things back together and slowly stop them when your ready. You sound like such a nice person and honestly things will get better! I know it feels like you will never feel normal again, but you will. We all understand and are here for you!
Sending hugs!!

Thank you for your support, I was at gp last week, they gave me counselling number, so I am waiting for some specialist help. I am sorry too, that you have to go through this...

[upwards-is-the-aim]

Keep us posted we gain strength from each other

[yaz]

Keep us posted, Know your not alone and take day by day. Im thinking of trying a support group, they are great as iys free and you can just turn up. You dont have to say anything if you dont want to, but hearing other peoples stories really helps break the cycle of isolation and maybe meet a nice friend who understands what your going through. Stay strong, we are warriors! Xxx