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Social Anxiety.... Advice please!

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Re: Social Anxiety.... Advice please!

Postby littleem » Mon Oct 29, 2018 10:39 pm

Hey Emma,

Glad to hear you had a good weekend.
Woohoo to the multivitamins! :D

Visit went well thanks. My only real concern is whether the service environment and the type/level of support provided will be suitable. It all looked very clean and positive but felt a bit 'mental health', if that makes sense? :lol: Would living in MH supportive living only reinforce that I have mental illness and need support? :| My care coordinator is taking me there to meet some of the service users next week. The process is gradual. :)

My previous therapist (she's amazing) from the CMHT has agreed to work with me on my self esteem until she retires at the start of next year. :) My last session with the eating disorders therapist is now therefore tomorrow. :roll:

I honestly don't think I will be having any support from the eating disorders team. :roll: They've been a sack of crap this whole time anyways. :lol: I won't hold my breath for ever being able to access CBT for anorexia with them in the future either. I'd rather draw a line under it all than waste any time worrying about whether I will have treatment from this incompetent, half-arsed, shitty tick-a-box service. Deep down, I'm hurt, pissed off and exasperated with a service for being so reluctant to help me, but one thing I've learnt is that you can't MAKE people care. Shame. But it is what it is. :|

So I'm instead focusing on the positives. :D

Wishing you a good week ahead!! Keep me posted!
Em x

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Re: Social Anxiety.... Advice please!

Postby emloja » Wed Oct 31, 2018 9:27 pm

Hi Em,
I totally get what you are saying about the 'mental health' feel. See how you feel when you visit next week.
It is such a shame that you have found the ED team to be so crap. But do remember it isn't anything against you as a person- it isn't that they don't care about you- just the system and organisation is a bit pants - it really is sad to hear though!
Positives are always good. Mine today is.....Tilly's warm cuddles and the lovely heating in my house! Quelle surprise! Tilly is being very cuddly (i think she knows i am going away). Her cuddles are even nicer when it is cold as she is a living hot water bottle.
I keep making myself walk, even in the Cold temperatures.
This week has been okay even though i confused the days and thought i had an extra day to pack and organise myself- just focusing on the warmth and the fact i am meeting up with my friends- my reassuring voice is still here atm! yay.
Let me know how you are getting on before i go away!
Em x

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Re: Social Anxiety.... Advice please!

Postby emloja » Thu Nov 01, 2018 10:08 pm

Hey, just incase you are too jealous about my trip away i would like to share how stressful today has been. I was totally playing it all calm- I'm not anxious about my trip at all. Then i had a bit of a medical issue- as you do the day before you go away! So anxiety increased twin fold as i had to get an appointment- then i had to go to 3 different chemists to find one that stocked the medication. So didn't need any of that am now so tired and so stressed and tearful, and haven't packed. Yet i know this is a positive trip! My doctor phobia is so ridiculous- no rational or need for it at all.
Can i come round for a chat and virtual cup of chai and waffle.
My online supporter tried to call me to have a chat before my holiday- not sure what that would be about- we have contact every two weeks and i probably write a lot of rubbish to him so he is probably, maybe just confused- or perhaps he is just calling to wish me a good trip ha ha. I may speak to him tomorrow- i think i should as he has made the effort to go out of his way and call- I'm not in the mood for being open and honest about anything just this moment.
Anyways- i will check in tom am just incase you come on- for a bit of feedback before i go away. If not, i hope your week has been okay and send you lots of positive vibes for the week ahead.
Lots of love, Emma x

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Re: Social Anxiety.... Advice please!

Postby littleem » Sun Nov 04, 2018 3:58 pm

Hey Emma!! :D

I hope you're well! I expect you are already on holiday by now so I wish you a wonderful break away filled with fun, friendship, exploring and relaxation! :D Don't let anxiety try to pack itself into your suitcase! :)

My mother called the ED team last week asking why on earth they've 'dropped me' from their service. In order to receive psychological treatment, I have to physically restore weight first. (but I have to do this which is extremely difficult for me mentally WITHOUT ANY psychological and emotional support alongside....!? That in itself gives you an insight into the ED service, eh? :roll: )

My mother was exasperated and distraught. So I've started eating the set amount of extra calories daily to induce gradual weekly weight gain. :cry: I've done this ever since for five days in a row. I didn't realise quite how difficult it would be for me emotionally. :shock: I was crying my eyes out most of Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, I was incensed by everything on Wednesday to the point where my mother said I was 'scary-angry' and I've been dealing with intense inner turmoil and screaming negative thoughts :twisted: :cry: :x :? that I try so hard to suppress...... and smile. :D

But my mother is so much happier and there is less tension between us. I don't have to live with an intense guilt. But I am terrified to be weighed this coming week. My head tells me I will have quadrupled in size. :twisted: I do not want to gain any weight. My mother wants nothing more than for me to gain weight. :roll:

Otherwise I did manage to have a great day yesterday. :D Looked after my little niece and took her to a firework display- us dancing to live music by a big blazing bonfire, watching awesome fireworks on the beach, and a few rides at the fairground. Good fun! :D

Popping to the accommodation tomorrow for a cuppa. Meet the neighbours and all. :lol:
Really, I AM already more than able to look after myself. I already do all my own laundry, clean all aspects of the house, I can cook, negotiate public transport and I can go shopping and mentally work out money etc. It's more a case of because I am not working, I contribute what I can whilst living at home, but I am not totally financially independent because I don't receive as much money as I would if in employment.

I would be able to live independently if (and when!!! :) ) my working, financial and living arrangements change. So it's more a case of needing the SPACE to be able to more freely live more independently - rather than needing the practical and emotional support to enable me learn and manage skills for independent living more effectively. Does that make sense? :)

Anyways. I will let you know how it goes. That's just my thoughts after a week of stepping back and reflecting.

Hope you have a really fantastic time! :D Enjoy yourself- you deserve it! Fill me in when you're home!!!! :D

Much love, Em xx

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Re: Social Anxiety.... Advice please!

Postby emloja » Wed Nov 14, 2018 9:42 am

Hey Em, i am back! Trip was good- anxiety did come with me but i tried to push it and squash it away! Overall it accompanied me on a fair bit of the trip but i didn't let it ruin my break! So yes, lots of laughs and interesting sights. Time to reflect and try and make some plans about my next steps too. I am however really happy to be back home with Tilly cuddles! Hopefully she has forgiven me for leaving her!
Sounds like you have had a busy week especially with the ED. Good for your mum- did she get any sense from them? Good for you for tackling those ED Gremlins straight on - 5 days of eating the set calories- and you know it will get easier with time- slowly slowly. How did the weigh in go? These steps show that you are stronger than you think and you can win against those negative thoughts. Again it comes back to acceptance!!
The firework evening sounds great- you are lucky your nieces live close by so you can do things like this with them- i bet they see you as the fun aunty Em.
I completely get what you are saying about the supported living- you don't need help with your independence skills but just some financial help. It sounds a bit frustrating as i really feel your own space will help you loads with your self-esteem and mental health in general, but you need more stable employment. I would worry that the place you are looking at will not really meet your needs- what were you thinking?
How did the job (shhhhs) and voluntary role go?
Anyway, good to hear from you. I am going to slowly slowly adjust back into life and not think too much ha ha, and be kind to myself.
Speak soon, Emma x

Posts: 508
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Re: Social Anxiety.... Advice please!

Postby littleem » Thu Nov 15, 2018 3:27 pm

Hey Emma!

Welcome back! Lovely to hear from you! :D
So pleased to hear you had a good time, that you kept the anxiety at bay and that you are happy to be home with Tilly cuddles!

Long story short, I have sacked the ED team. Explaining this reeeeeally isn't worth the waffle. :lol: But I feel better for them not being involved (ehhhm? Not that they ever really were.... ;) ) and I am coping well and making good changes. Ah, I didn't gain at the last weigh so we shall see what happens next week. I feel well though. I don't starve myself by eating regularly and I don't feel unwell because of the anorexia. I've just picked up some super-mega B vitamins and iron tablets to be full of super mega EM-ergy! :D Therapy-wise, I don't know if I will ever get the psychological treatment for anorexia.

It's great to spend time with my nieces and nephews. We live in different places (some further than others) so have planned this coming weekend to be the time that we all spend together as a family for Christmas. I believe I am babysitting FOUR children tomorrow afternoon whilst the ladies go for a child-free afternoon tea and the men stay home to shout at the rugby. That should be a good laugh!!

Yes, I think the supported accommodation doesn't suit my needs on reflection of it all.

Job starts next Tuesday!! The restaurant opens then! :)

Things at home a bit tense my end. My father's lost his job and is showing signs of slipping into depression..... My mother is still having symptoms from a recent car accident and is exasperated by being unwell. Thankfully family are coming for the weekend so there will be a distraction!

Ooo, I started a college course in criminological psychology Tuesday evening.... It was fascinating! A great group of people and the three hours honestly flew by! Child psychology tonight.

So how have you settled in to being back at home with the cuddly pup? What are your plans for the weekend?

Hope you're as well as you can be just now.

Much love,

Em xxx

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Re: Social Anxiety.... Advice please!

Postby emloja » Thu Nov 15, 2018 9:48 pm

Hey there- i am just adjusting back and accepting that it takes some time :roll:
Yah to sacking the useless ED team. Rotten tomatoes to the mega Emergy! Slowly, slowly, catchy monkey!
Good luck with the mega babysitting task! 4 kids- sounds interesting. I think i would prefer that to the rugby, even though i do enjoy an afternoon tea!
I am really excited for you for next Tuesday- how are you feeling?
I'm sorry about your dad and his job- that sucks. Also your mum being poorly. Yes, sometimes things come at the right time- a welcome distraction should be good!
I love that you are doing all these interesting courses. I'd love to study criminology- how great to have a good group to discuss everything with. Hows the child psychology course going?
As i type this i have had to stop to laugh at tilly playing with a small balloon, then go and rescue her from the spare room (she always goes in there and gets locked in- never learns). Now she is ringing the bell to get me to let her out - she certainly is trying to get my attention.
I'm off to bed now- bit early but still on overseas time.
I have no plans for the weekend- i have to unpack and tidy my house as it is already getting a bit out of hand. I really need to get some motivation and stop being so lazy :? I literally go to work and that is it- i am so rubbish at everything else in my life- quite funny really. I love that you have such a range of things you are involved with and courses. I just think about these things (which is a start i guess) and then do nothing.
Anyways, great to hear from you, Emma x

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Re: Social Anxiety.... Advice please!

Postby emloja » Fri Nov 16, 2018 10:07 pm

Just a quick one as i want to share a positive with you- both yesterday and today i was starting to feel so low. I didn't really mention it yesterday as i wanted to be positive. My house was a complete mess and felt like it was getting out of hand. I just wanted to stay in bed with Tilly. I however made myself go for a walk and after a quick visit to the park i let her lead me on her own walk. Then this afternoon after a nap (you know the naps where you go into a proper deep sleep and wake up not knowing what day or time of day it is-well i had one of those!). I then made myself tidy- and tidy and organise i did! I am now feeling quite proud of myself (I'm ignoring my thoughts telling me this is pathetic) and just clearer in my thinking now there is not such mess. I had to accept tidying enough as i know there is so much proper tidying which is needed and my tidying was a bit superficial.
One other thing-I also got annoyed with my GP surgery. I rang to ask to speak to the nurse about something, they then tell me i cannot speak to her but they will relay a message, and i need to call back later. So i give them the message but also asked them to tell her that i didn't have my blood pressure taken but saw it was noted that i did on my notes (you can read very brief notes online). Now i know i was anxious when i visited but i am sure i wouldn't have forgotten having my blood pressure done. So then i started to worry that i have a. got her in trouble as i should have spoken to her about it rather than the secretary, b. they will get annoyed with me and think i am a lier- but then they may put this on my notes and i won't be able to attend that surgery anymore- and then i won't be able to see the GP about my 'head' and will have to see someone else etc etc , c. i got annoyed someone else's blood pressure is on my notes, d. i wish i had left it. So i worried and contemplated calling the surgery back to say i remembered having my blood pressure done and that it was a mistake. Then i didn't know what to do or think- just this whole rumination -crazy thinking stage is ridiculous. Anyway i then call them back and they hadn't had a response from the nurse. Then i called this morning and was told to call back the afternoon. Then i decided to leave it all. I can go on my instinct about the initial question i called to ask about- i think it is quite rude not to call me- why should i always call them if they cannot get back to me. now i am completely waffling. i think i was annoyed i got so worked up about something and yet they don't even bother to have a reply to me. I'm still concerned now about the nurse's practice if she is putting someone else's notes under my name. Perhaps i won't see her again ever. However my doctor has reduced her hours and there are no other female doctors either so that is a bit of a pain too. i do think GP surgeries could do more to help patients with anxiety as none of the systems at my surgery help. I asked the secretary to tell the nurse how anxious i was feeling and yet she still made me wait over 5 minutes (which is a lot when you are early and then sat waiting in a waiting room) also when she didn't have any patients in with her.

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Re: Social Anxiety.... Advice please!

Postby littleem » Fri Nov 16, 2018 11:48 pm

Hello! :)

Be reassured that it's totally natural having to adjust to returning home after some time away.

I'm looking forward to the job. :) What perpetuates this (seemingly) endless, hopeless, destructive and utterly exasperating cycle concerning work is a warped cognition. In order to smooth out this cognition, I need to BREAK the cycle. So far (so good!), I've told nobody in my family about this job. Next steps - GO to the job, remain in the job, repeat and maintain. :) I really wish it wasn't so hard for me but unless I overcome it (and at the end of the day, ONLY I CAN overcome it), I will forever be stuck in this miserable cycle!!! It's not the job. It's not the people. It is a series of stupid thoughts to which I can CHOOSE how to respond. This is going to be really hard but the only way out is THROUGH.

I was worrying my dad was going to fall into depression. That's me worrying because, ugh, depression is vile. He had a day to wallow but is moving forward today. Phew. My mother has post-concussion syndrome. It will pass. Besides, I like caring for and reassuring them. :)

The child psychology course is really interesting. Focuses on cognitive development and education.

Well you are able to hold down a job which is something I want to be able to do most of all! And here you are saying you think about doing different things, but don't action the thought. (Ahem, you did just go to Jordan though!! That's pretty awesome!!) So, how about I work ALL my shifts next week and you try one thing (anything!) new that you fancy trying out. Deal? :)

'I am rubbish at everything else in my life'. :shock: Sorry, I refuse to let this one slip by! How about saying something like, 'I have lots of good qualities and I am good at lots of different things. There are other things that I find more difficult, but this is natural and applies to everyone. All in all, I am at least good enough and I am doing really well'. :) Also, perhaps change 'I need to stop being so lazy' ('need' adds pressure and 'so lazy' sounds insulting) to something like, 'I want to start working on becoming a bit more motivated' ('I want' sounds positive and appealing, and 'to start', 'becoming' and 'a bit' encourage gently and feel achievable, and 'more motivated' has positive connections and feels like a good goal).

Maybe I'm doing too many psychology courses....? :roll: :lol: hehehe!

What kind of 'things' are you interested in doing? :)

Met with my therapist today. She's lovely! It was really positive working with her again because I could see just how far I have come. She can offer me eight fortnightly sessions based around self esteem starting from 10th December. She's also referred me to fortnightly creative therapy in between the sessions with her. To be honest, I don't really feel I need the therapy! :lol: It was the ED-themed therapy I really wanted. But that seems unlikely. :roll: I will go for it anyways. It's not exactly going to be detrimental to me! :)

The weekend has got off to a good start. :) I'm aware of the triggers that always ever come when my rather insensitive, unappreciative, dismissive, disinterested, judgemental and arrogant brother comes to visit .....It's very difficult for me not to react to them by allowing his thoughts and actions to ADD to and to REINFORCE my already-deeply-engrained chronic core belief that I am LESS. It makes me sad because I feel dismissed, overlooked, inadequate and a disappointment. I also feel I've lost my big bro who I always looked up to. Few years back he mixed in different circles and became all pretentious. :roll: Bleurgh. Anyways.

Wishing you a good weekend ahead. All the best with starting the unpacking. :) Just take your time and break it up with relaxation and things you enjoy doing. :)

Em x

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Re: Social Anxiety.... Advice please!

Postby emloja » Sat Nov 17, 2018 10:15 am

Thanks Em- you are fab! Seriously you have so much knowledge and insight into your thoughts, behaviours, triggers etc. You are one of the most self-aware people i know. You so deserve to punch this anorexia on the nose!
It sounds like you know what needs to be done re the job and you have broken it down into more manageable chunks and done everything in your power to manipulate the variables you can control to make it slightly easier for yourself- just try not to put too much pressure on yourself- remember slowly, slowly, catchy monkey!
I am glad to hear things are looking up with your parents.
How many shifts are you down to work next week? First day Tuesday? I need to think of something but happy to try one thing new- will let you know what!
I love your positive reframing-tbs i didn't even realise i said that- i was having a bit of a moment and thought 'better out than in!'- so unfortunately you got it all! verbal diarrhoea. I wrote it and after i sent it felt completely embarrassed that you would have to read it- but i know you don't judge- just me having one of my funny turns! He he. I am def going to use the 'i want...'
I find it hard when i say the positives but don't feel them- sometimes that reassuring voice comes naturally and i feel it- other times i have to force it and i def know i have forced it and it isn't real as i don't feel it.
I don't really know what i am interested in doing tbh. My life is a bit sad really. Work and Tilly. Time with parents. I have start-itus- i start things and never finish- so as i sit in my living room i can see a paint by numbers painting i started, many books i started, a puzzle i started etc etc. I didn't use to be like this. I have many craft projects i wanted to do but they just stay in the cupboard. I start then enjoy, then feel overwhelmed, then avoid, think i am too tired, then get annoyed.Repeat!
I bet your therapist loves you- as you would be such an amazing client-i love the sound of creative therapy. Well if you have a good relationship with her, then some more work on self esteem won't do any harm- even if it is just something which is a bit supportive- go for it! I think you would be an amazing therapist!
I'm glad the weekend started positively. I did chuckle as i have a judgemental and arrogant brother too! I fully empathise with feeling you have lost your bro. I think back to my childhood and feel i have lost both of mine. I would not describe what we have really as a relationship- but it is as it is so hey ho! Good luck with the bro and not reacting to the annoying thoughts- enjoy the babysitting, speak later,
Emma x

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