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Social Anxiety.... Advice please!

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Re: Social Anxiety.... Advice please!

Postby emloja » Sat Oct 13, 2018 5:59 pm

Hey thanks for the double helpings of waffles- two for the price of one!! He he. Sorry to here your mood is low (Cue that song- low, low , low, low etc). I cannot imagine how tough it must be with depression and anorexia- depression and anxiety seem too much of a successful tag team to me sometimes! But yay to choosing recover- you need to melt down the anorexia- like that wicked witch in the Wizard of Oz- the one that melts and just leaves the shoes! Not sure where that came from!
I'm glad you had a mix of reactions to your experiences in India- i think the extreme emotions both positive and not so positive made it such a special experience.
So did you got to india twice? (apologies if i am being a bit slow here!). What jumps out however is your different response to yourself in the same situation and how unkind the second time you were to yourself. I love this line 'I accepted myself. My strengths, weaknesses, ambitions and abilities'- that is definitely a great affirmation! And you once believed it- that means you can and will again Em!
I don't think you need a degree to be a writer- what you have is a natural talent. Perhaps look for an online or real life course on blogging- when you have some time- then you could learn about it-or perhaps there are books-i'd read it- so even if you only get one like- it is a start!! Whoop whoop- Emma for Booker Prize!!!
I get what you are saying about a dream job- i guess i was fishing to find out what area the job would be in. I totally get that if you are not in a good place mentally even your dream job won't change that!
Over the years i have travelled a great deal- it was my escape- i never had to think or establish too many roots etc if i had another trip planned as i would soon be going away again. This did work for some time and then i realised what i was doing- i had neglected my 'real life' for a number of stamps on my passport (queue violins) however when i did notice this and did decide to try and settle and accept my life as it was, that was when i got properly ill. So now i travel a tiny bit in comparison but have also begun to invest and accept my life a bit more.
I think i can empathise with the different way you can see the same situation when you are not so well. I used to love travelling to a less developed country; taking stuff to donate to a good cause and volunteering at a children's home or school. I would spend a few weeks with the charity and then go travelling. Most Often my time helping out with the charity and kids was the highlight of my trip. Then one time i arrived and just started feeling and thinking completely differently about it all. I cried when i got to my bed as i realised this was something i loved and yet i couldn't feel it. I guess there were little signs along the way i cared to ignore. Hope I'm not turning this to be all about me when it isn't (cue mcfly "It's all about me...").
Fingers crossed to the love of a fluff ball to come into your life one day. I wanted my pup to be a Therapy dog as she is so great with children and old people- she still however has too much energy however i can see that it may be possible now as she is slowly calming.
Interesting about your mum. As you don't change when she gets better. You are obviously very caring and good at looking after others. This gives you a role outside of your own difficulties, which it sounds like you really rise up to. Why do you think you feel that she adds the stress onto you when you are better? Have you spoken to her explicitly how you feel when helping her and then when she is better? The positive thing is you can have positive exchanges and feelings between you both.
It is funny but i was going to say how i could see you in a caring role either with oldies or young children- again i could see you coming into your own so great to hear about the child psychology course (let me know if you need any help with anything as spookily, this is the area i work in). I was also going to suggest that you look into a course or activity that is not about the anorexia or depression- i really think going on a course where you are Emma, and there for your interest unrelated to your difficulties-that is not to ignore or hide them- but just have some time where you get back touch with yourself-does that make sense. The anorexia and depression are part of your life but do not define you and i think that sometimes it is hard and there is a lot of pressure to get better when lots of things revolve around your difficulties. I hope i am explaining myself well-not sure!?!?
Ha ha- i love reading your messages- just have to make sure i have adequate time to give you some waffle back!! Shoulda coulda wouldas- that is a song too. YEs i do need to stop with the should- i just feel so lazy if i don't. I love the idea of my pup being snuggled under my jumper! I went out with some friends for a walk in the glorious sunshine and found a new pub which lets in dogs!! Whoop whoop. Then i came home and slept for a while :)
Better go and serve up this special weekend triple serving of Belgium waffles with strawberries, maple syrup and proper vanilla ice-cream with the small black flecks of vanilla! Laters, Emma :P

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Re: Social Anxiety.... Advice please!

Postby littleem » Tue Oct 16, 2018 6:15 pm

Hello!! :D Low...lowwww....lowwww...LOW!!! :lol: Tuuuuuuuune. ;)

Hehe, glad you liked the waffles! I also love The Wizard of Oz!!! :D

My depression is soooooo much better nowadays than what it was in previous years. Think I've recently hit a plateau with the meds is all, so today I've decreased yee ol' sertraline down to 150mg with the hope to feel less numb and more, uhh..., more real! ;)

Yes, I went twice to India. Six months first time. Returned for a year but came back after two months when I started to feel ill. First went to Kerala on holiday with my parents as a teenager though and fell in love with it!! :D

That's really cool that you've done so much traveling. Nothing wrong with escaping the humdrum monotony and pressures of *dun dun duuuuunnnn!!* 'real life' now and again :) *shudders at the thought of responsibility and purchases another Indian Visa ;) * to explore the beautiful world! A lot of people would say that traveling is actually making the most of exploring the 'real world'. Be kind to yourself Emma, and remember you are the same wonderful you whether you're immersed in a culture completely opposite to your own in a country furthest away from your home or whether you're cuddled up with your pup at home spending time with loved ones you've known your whole life. You are the same wonderful you whether you are conversing in broken Chinese, making connections all over the world, dressed in funky Indian haraam pants (loved these!!) or up-chucking exotic/slightly dodgy street food, as you are chatting with me just now, working the 9-5, spending time with your gorgeous pup and getting your nails done! :) Seems to me like you have a good sense of balance between everything now. All very positive. :)

So, I simply must ask, where have you explored in this big, wide world? :D Any favourite experiences?

Sounds like you had some emotional experiences volunteering. Please don't think you're making anything 'all about you'. You're not at all! :D You are sharing your significant experiences with me and I am happy to hear about them! Besides, it's another shared interest of ours! :) So never worry about what you say (or sing! :lol: ) with me. :)

It really can be life-changing and I can empathise with you with regards to adjusting to life at home feeling really difficult. Was this what triggered your mental health difficulties? I only ask because having such intense experiences day-in-and-day-out whilst traveling - though initially amazing - certainly took its toll on me and was the very starting point of my, erm, breakdown? :shock: But don't feel at all pressured to answer this or expand on anything. :)

Aww I hope a furry friend snuggles their way into my life, too!!

Ah yes. My relationship with my mother. :shock: :? :cry: :roll: Between therapy sessions this last week, I have realised:

1. My mother is angry at anorexia because the symptoms (e.g. manipulation, deceitfulness, disobedience, volatility, selfishness ingratitude and a really unpleasant, negative, rude and depressive nature) completely contradict my true self, our family values, and the type of person I was lovingly brought up to be. She is exasperated by both our inability to control this destructive illness. I sense she feels an element of inner-frustration, self-blame, guilt, failure, inadequacy and shame.... But she would never admit to having such emotions. The physicality of anorexia causes her all-consuming worry and intense, persistent and easily-triggered anxiety. Her deepest fear ultimately is that I will die. (has been an actual possibility on three occasions.)

2. I have taken the blame for anorexia from as young as nine years old and it has only really been this last year that I have been able to separate myself from the illness. So that's six intense years of blame-taking and eight years of occasionally taking the blame during blips into my eating disorder. So, I developed the belief that I - not the illness - am the one who is manipulative, deceitful....etc. This has led me to develop the strongly ingrained beliefs that 'I am a bad person', 'I am at fault' and 'I am a failure'.

3. This leads me to apologise for no reason, excessively question if everyone is okay, take the blame, act as a 'pushover' and 'people-pleaser', experience low self-esteem and low mood and have feelings of guilt, shame, fear and anxiety.

4. I also feel indebted to my mother because, whilst she is anorexia's biggest threat (she's the only one who really gets through to me and she saved my life from this illness), she is my biggest support and the most important person in my life. I thus feel I 'owe it to her' to please her and not to upset her. I also feel an immense sense of guilt and shame for still living at home with her. I feel inadequate and undeserving. I fear her kicking me out because I fear being alone and unable to cope in the unknown. :o

5. Early childhood experience of a severely mentally disabled sister threatening to hurt and kill me, lashing out at others and herself, wanting to attack me and screaming, shouting, wailing-crying and projectile vomiting.... Made me extra sensitive to anger. As a child, I was protected from my sister's violence. But, I remember many times being alone and crying, unable to deal with the intensity of my emotions and the uncertainty of my sister's behaviour without the support from those I needed most. Anorexia then became my coping mechanism. Whilst I don't like anger and confrontation (uh, who does?!), I have been able to let go of all that earlier trauma. I'm still nervous of my sister (she can pack a mighty THWWWWAAACK!! :lol: ) but I understand her disability and I love her to pieces!! It upsets me if I ever see her self harm but this is a totally natural response of her loving little sister!

6. So ultimately, I want to please my mother not just because I love her .... But because I fear her abandoning me. I fear feeling alone and at my worst emotionally without her or any other support to enable me to cope. I fear not knowing what my inability to cope will lead to. I fear the unknown. I fear the outcome.

Does that make sense? I'm glad I have finally been able to identify what the fear is. Now.... I need to explore how to eliminate this bad boy! Haha!! :lol:

When my mother is better, she nit-picks more, comments on every mortal thing.... and I take it as a criticism. She just stresses me out. Like, she will ask me to do something, then as I'm doing it she will ask me to do like five other things, and once I rush to do the next thing.... If I don't do it quick enough, she's there doing it before me!! And when I have done what she's asked, I will never ever have been able to have done it 'her way'. If I don't answer because I'm busy doing the first thing out of 200 that she's asked me to do in the space of ten minutes.... :lol: she will start calling me... 'Ehhhhhhhmmmmmm!! Ehhhhhhhh-mmmmm! Where aaaaaaare yooooou Ehhhhhhhh-mmmmm?' all the while knowing full well where I am, how many tasks behind I am and exactly what I'm doing 'just not quite right'. :roll: :lol: A massive trigger for the 'I'm not good enough' and 'I'm a failure' thought montage. :shock: She is more appreciative when she's ill. Gosh, that sounds awful of me doesn't it? :oops: :lol: I feel appreciated, more relaxed, more in control of my life, lighter, more free and more like I can breathe without *shudder* 'Ehhhhhhhhhh-mmmmmmm!' coming at me left, right and centre. :lol:

We had an argument at the weekend. What's new? :roll: Her full-on screaming and F-bombing at my anorexia - 'Anorexia, I beepedy-beepin' hate beepedy-beep-beeeeeeeep you!' I shouted back (first time I've shouted at her in like a year?!? :shock: ) and expressed how anorexia is an ILLNESS and NOT ME! I told her I feel constantly criticised by her (she not so likey this new information :oops: ) and I focused on how far I have come. She was angry, very sarcastic, unwilling to admit to anything.... but came around gently-gently by the following day.

The referral for family therapy has been made. *Wipes away an ocean of sweat from forehead* Phhhhheeeew! :lol: I'm keeping the supported living place as an option (my mother dearest was anti this idea). I trust my care coordinator not to send me somewhere unsuitable for me! When a bed is available, they will be in touch with her and she will take me there for a look-see around.

Hey, so cool about the child psychology!! Bet I will be picking your brain in the coming weeks!! ;) It looks like it's going to be a really interesting course! I totally understand what you mean about taking a step away from stuff around mental health, anorexia and depression. This course has nothing to do with any of that. More about child development with regards to learning and play. :)

Aww thanks for your kind words. I am great with children and well into the future working as a nursery assistant could well be the right sort of job for me. :D Still can't class it as a 'dream' job mind.... Screaming kids, headlice, runny noses, stinky nappies...... :lol: I have secured a voluntary work placement in a care home working with the activities coordinator starting in November. The home manager is incredibly lovely. She's from my Church, knows all about my situation and has been encouraging me to volunteer there for aaaaaaages. :) I popped in yesterday for the paperwork and will meet with the activities coordinator on 1st November. The manager was keen for me to paint my flower pots with the residents and to give the elderly ladies hand massages and paint their nails! I surprised myself in India that the home for the elderly was my absolute favourite place to volunteer! Whatever the outcome, it will be a positive step forward to try something completely different! I still help at the shop I've been at since January, but it was getting a tad boring (hardly any customers ever!! :lol: ) so this seems a good, achievable step between the shop volunteering and part time employment. Starting slow, just one morning a week. :) I'm at the shop tomorrow morning, haven't been there for a good while so I'm sure it will be nice to see a few familiar faces. :)

Loving the dog-friendly pub! I absolutely love a walk in the sunshine to a nice, cosy, old country pub. I used to work in a dog-friendly pub in a seaside town and loved my time there. Great atmosphere. Glad you had a nice time with your friends, too.... and I'm loving the afternoon snooze! ;) Hehehe!

Speaking of sleepy, any updates on your iron levels situation? I've started on a multivitamin, get myself like those chaps on the berocca advert. :lol: I have no idea if you know what I'm on about! :lol:

I love reading your messages, too! Adequate time? :lol: That made me chuckle. I really do go all-out with mahhh waffles. ;)

Hope your week got off to a good start and that you are having a good day today. :) Wishing you a happy and healthy Wednesday and beyond!! :D

Gosh, that's a waffle stack with all the trimmings and a milkshake on the side. My bad. :o

Keep me posted with toasted waffles! ;)

Love from The Waffle Monster :P xxx

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Re: Social Anxiety.... Advice please!

Postby emloja » Wed Oct 17, 2018 5:33 pm

Hey Waffle Monster,
Thanks for the waffles-i think that helping was an extra big brunch waffle- i am full up now- he he.
Positive number one- that your depression is much better (tick) and you are reducing meds. I take citalapram and it has been great-i have been lucky with side affects and haven't had any of that numb stuff- is that weird? I don't feel zombied or numb-i definitely feel more real than when i wasn't taking it. The only issue is that i am at the top of the strengths 40mg (i think years ago it used to go a lot higher but they reduced it due to scary effects on people's hearts !!!). My quest is to reduce but in the past i have been too keen and then have ended up having to go back up. At the moment i am on this for another two months then need to go back to the doctor. I however think if i am feeling better in a months time i might go and see about reducing it. My ultimate aim is to feel like i am now without the medication- obviously with less anxiety would also be good too.
Wow you sound like a bigger indian fan that me. Amazing! I loved Kerala too- i have fond memories of sitting in what looked like a closed cafe, drinking beer out of a tea pot and tea cup when it was a strike day. Did you know that Kerala is the most educated state in india and as a result they have the highest number of strikes too!
Thanks so much for what you said Emma about me being me whatever i am doing- such kind humorous words! I do love my fancy pants. I just feel very different emotionally when i travel-the pressures of the real world have gone-it doesn't matter if i am single and alone as many travellers are, nothing matters-just what you bring in the moment- i love that! Well actually, i think people do matter- the friends you meet along the way and share amazing experiences with.
I have explored many places- the weird and less common ones are Easter Island, Galapagos, Central America (mexico city to panama). I love animals and trekking (when i am fit and in the zone) and so Africa, Borneo and Madagascar have been favourites there. I also love south east Asia- Bhutan, Myanmar and Nepal are also on the list for spiritual countries, and I did try and see tigers in India several times but failed- so this means i definitely need to go back. Finally i would say i also loved New Zealand and Tasmania. In another life i may have moved to New Zealand as i really liked it there. I will stop now as i could go on forever. Em the travel agent- if you have any queries over future holiday destinations i am happy to be in business!!! :) It is hard as i can't really talk about much of my travels as i feel highly conscious that it sounds like i am bragging although many of my life experiences have been when travelling. I would hate to be annoying. Bet you wished you didn't ask now!
My MH difficulties!!!! Well i was always a perfectionist as a child- put pressure on myself. When i was 16 a significant family member died in difficult circumstances and i really really struggled with this for a good few years. This then coincided with new college, A levels and i ended up struggling with it all. In counselling i spoke about it a lot and with hindsight i now know this was the first time i properly got depressed- it turned from normal bereavement to depression and i felt so alone. It makes me a little sad as i write about it to be honest. Sad for the little girl and now grown up who often needs comfort, a hug and a kind voice but can't reach out for it. I have always been someone that deals with stuff myself and i know this doesn't help me. IT isn't that people won't support or help me. They would love to help but i can't stand being vulnerable and that helping feeling from others- goodness knows why. I wish i could. During this period i spent most of my time, writing letters to myself and the dead relative, crying and walking in graveyards as you do. I never shared. I ended up isolating myself socially, even more emotionally and completely messing up my exams. Horrible times. I also think i worry that i still struggle to open up and are with anything emotional and i really wish i didn't have this issue. This is the issue that i think stops me from forming relationships-for fear that sharing etc is part of any relationship. Sometimes i feel my own relationships are fraudulent and one sided as i don't share. I know being vulnerable in a relationship scares me. I also reflect on how different my life might have been if i realised at the time i was depressed and also if i could be vulnerable!
So from someone who doesn't talk to anyone or share- i am suddenly telling lots to you and whoever else reads it!!! Hilarious really. I am going to end there for now and answer the rest of your email later :)
Now i know you are not judging me but i am just sharing my annoying thoughts at the moment- that you will be thinking how pathetic i am, how un-resilient, how weak i am for reacting like i did and how i brought on my issues myself. I am however going to say "up yours" to these thoughts and tell myself that i have done well to share and that i am safe to share with you Emma.
Blast from the past!
I am also going to give myself a hug!

From Cookie Monster (I just fancied being called this!)

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Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Social Anxiety.... Advice please!

Postby littleem » Wed Oct 17, 2018 8:08 pm

Hey cookie monster! :D

Here's a little waffle 'Amuse Bouche', if you will.... ;)

I am not judging you. I absolutely do not think any of those negative lies your inner bully is telling you. You are NOT pathetic. You are NOT annoying. You are NOT un-resilient. You are NOT weak. You are NOT at fault. :D

You are remarkably strong, bold, brave and courageous!! A daring explorer!! Fascinating, admirable and truly inspiring.... remaining all the time humble, modest and grateful. 8-)

Emotional pain and grief shows the depth of your compassion. You are caring, sensitive, reflective, persistent and full of endurance! You are very brave to share in such an honest, open, articulate, authentic and humorous way. You are considerate to others and have more self-awareness, insight, confidence, strength and acceptance than you know. :)

Mental illness does not discriminate. It can affect anyone. It is never a choice. So, in the style of Robin Williams in 'Good Will Hunting' (one of my faves! ;) ) : 'It's not your fault!!!!' :D :lol:
*Hugs!!!!* :D :D :D

WOW!! :D You are a right little Dora the explorer!! That's all so awesome!!! :D Bhutan! Yes! I would looooooooove to explore more of South East Asia.... :) I went to Darjeeling a few times from Calcutta. Absolutely loved it to the point that I wanted to actually live there!! Such lovely memories of sipping hot chai at 5am in the icy cold fresh air with the little town slowly waking up. I would love to go back some time. :)

I'm glad your meds are helping. Feeling real is a good thing!! :lol: Keep it real, duuuuude. ;)

Thanks so much for sharing with me. Your kindness and encouragement is much appreciated. :)

Much love!
Waffle Chops xx

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Joined: Wed Oct 17, 2018 10:19 pm

Re: Social Anxiety.... Advice please!

Postby star79 » Wed Oct 17, 2018 10:46 pm

Hi, Im new to the forum. I need advice as to what I should do.
I'm basically very poorly mentally I suffered mental illness since past 16 years.
When I was growing up I was abused as a child and It affected my mental development but I thought I'm doing well because I lived in my own bubble never knew that I need to learn social skills and learn to mature myself.
I worked for ten years but was suffering mental confusion and I didn't tell my colleague or manager in fear that I'll loose the job.
I just didn't know how to live life.i have been bullied and isolated due to lack of communication and social skills.
I got no social awareness and am very vulnerable.
My psychiatrist say I need to accept myself as I am.but I fear with this much innocence I'm at high risk of harm by others so fear leaving house.
I got no friends because of my lack of mature talk and ability to assess people.

I feel I better die rather than living with this illness. I want diagnosis for my illness because I know I'm definitely not normal I got severe autism but psychiatrist denies to diagnose me as autistic because I worked.
He says I got bipolar and forces medicine on me.
My marriage broke down my kids live with my ex husband and court ruled out I'm not capable of looking after kids.
I want to know is there any hope for me to be accepted by society.
I'm of indian origin moved to uk in 2001 but never found any ground due to my social inadequacy.
I love people I don't see race as a hinderace but now with this illness I fear everyone I want to work but can't even face people and feel very exposed in front of them.
If i need to learn adult skills I need to have some sort of adult communication but I feel I will be target for my lack of high level talk.
I want life for my children but I don't see how I will find it.
If i get autism diagnosis maybe I will be able to get more support.
I want to live my life little bit.

Any advice as to what I should u think I will get chance to grow in uk or shall I just leave this planet?

Many thanks.

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Joined: Tue Oct 09, 2018 9:16 pm

Re: Social Anxiety.... Advice please!

Postby upwards-is-the-aim » Thu Oct 18, 2018 3:13 pm

First and easiest thing to do is hang around on some different forums

You start somewhere

Then try and go out a bit and sit in cafes and say hi to people and watch the world go by

Then and while you are doing those two - you hang around on here a bit and ask more questions and answer others

In my experience you are better not to ask to many questions in one forum thread

And yes you will be fine here in the UK no need to leave the planet at all
Trying to help and be supportive to others on this forum is one of my attempts to reduce my own depression. Getting ourselves out of our own head circles is usually a good thing to do. Maybe try it yourself

Posts: 508
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Social Anxiety.... Advice please!

Postby littleem » Thu Oct 18, 2018 3:23 pm

Hi Star! :)

Welcome to the Sane Forum. I am sure you will find this to be a very safe and supportive place to talk with like-minded people. :)

I am sorry to hear of your struggles with mental illness. Please know that you are not alone and that there is always hope.

You may also like to post a new item in the 'newbies' and 'mutual support's sections on this website as more people will read a new post and you will receive more support and practical advice. :)

I personally would encourage you to make an appointment with your GP Doctor and your psychiatrist to ask them to refer you to your local Community Mental Health Team. You will then be able to access free mental health from a range of professionals from the NHS to enable you to start feeling better. They will also be able to offer you advice regarding useful local mental health, training, work, autism and social opportunities and support.

Here are some links that I hope you will find helpful:

3. ... helplines/

Have you ever had psychological therapy/counselling? I feel this could help you a lot. The Community Mental Health Team will provide this but in the meantime, some local mental health charities offer counselling free or at a low price.

You may find local support groups helpful. Being with others in similar situations in a supportive, non-judgemental and positive setting can be a very good experience. Talking with others can help us to feel more free.

There is also an online supportive mental health community run by the charity 'Mind', called 'Elefriends'. Here is the link:


That is a very good achievement to have worked for ten years. :) Would you feel comfortable speaking to your manager? They will be able to support you at work. For further employment and training advice, visit your local 'Job Centre', 'Citizens Advice' centre or mental health drop-in centres, or speak to your psychiatrist/GP Doctor.

Have you ever considered volunteering? Voluntary work is more flexible and less pressured. You can learn new skills and meet new people in a supportive environment. :)

I would also suggest that you contact your local Adult Community College and your local library to ask about free or low-cost courses in life skills. A lot of mental health charities will help with areas such as - finance, confidence-building, reading and writing, communication, self-esteem, anxiety, depression, cookery and basic computer skills. The job centre will also be useful in helping you find suitable courses and support.

You could study courses for free online to help develop your social skills. Here is a good link. There are lots of courses to choose!


In your message, you said 'I feel I better die rather than live with this illness'. You do not deserve to feel this way. You are a worthy, valuable and good person who makes a positive influence on society. I am pleased that you wrote this message to me. :)

If you are having thoughts like this, please tell your psychiatrist and GP Doctor and anyone who can help you. Do not suffer alone. You can call the Samaritans anonymously and free of charge anytime 24 hours a day every single day of the whole year. This will listen. They will care. They will not judge. The Samaritans phone number will not show up on your phone bill.

1. Their telephone number is 116 123.

You also said, 'I want to live my life'.

I would suggest that you do things you enjoy or things that you used to enjoy. Being outside and exercising can really help your mood.

Perhaps contact your local library, community college and leisure centre for details of social events, courses and hobbies/clubs.
Here is a link that might help with showing you what's going on in your local area:


I wanted to ask you something. You don't have to answer but it may be something useful to think about.....

Do you miss your home country?
Did you feel differently when you lived in India?
If so, did you feel happier in India? What made you feel this way?
Could you bring the things you liked about your home and culture into your life in the UK to help you feel more 'grounded'?

P.S. I have travelled to India and I love it!!!! :D

Stay strong, Star. Things will get better. I am thinking of you. Anytime you want to talk and anything I could help you with, you can contact me again.

Take care of yourself. I hope some of this helps!

Love Em xxx

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Re: Social Anxiety.... Advice please!

Postby emloja » Fri Oct 19, 2018 10:09 am

Hi Star- sorry to hear about your difficulties- Little em has replied to you above with such care and precision that there isn't anything more for me to add- i agree with everything she has written. Take care with your journey x

Hi Em,
I really liked your amuse bouche and guess what??? it did amuse my mouth-into a big smile :) You are definitely absolutely fab at reassuring and saying nice things to others, in such a genuine way. Thanks.
Gosh- haven't seen 'Good will Hunting' for yonks- will have to have a watch again. Love a cup of chai- it is funny- at home i would never have sugar in tea but i loved chai- and how sweet. I initially had chia (the nepalese version) in Nepal (never) when i worked at an orphanage and so when i drank it back at home it would automatically make me feel happy and reminisce about my time at the orphanage. The sweeter the better. The sense are amazing! Perhaps when we have our waffles we can also have some proper chai too! Sweetness overload!!! he he.
By the way how has your child psychology course been going?
I love feeling real- the other day i was driving and realised i was singing to the radio and not thinking, my mind was properly in the moment-this felt very good.
I am always amazed by your own knowledge and reflection on your situation, relationship and difficulties. It makes complete sense. Here are my thoughts on your own reflections; I was really sad to read that you have been suffering since you were so young at 9, and so close to death on three occasions- honestly how are you now doing physically? I cannot imagine how tough things have been for you and your family. I really hope you never need to experience such times again! Everything makes so much sense, as the anorexia has been part of your life for so long and was there during several key periods in your life. Your mum sounds an amazing woman- what an inspiration! She would never leave you while here on earth- so booo to all of those fears. Anxiety is a bummer! Very cruel- jumping on our insecurities and uncertainities. Your insights into living with a severely disabled sibling are eye opening, more support is definitely needed for families.
I can actually hear your mum calling you from your description and the picture you paint- like a comedy sketch! It sounds that your argument was highly charged but glad you were honest with her and she came around.
The care home role sounds like something for you to get your teeth into and embrace your creative side too! One day i will take tilly to the old peoples home -she just needs a little bit more time to calm down before she is ready. I think she will get there!
Having a lazy day today :) Hope you have had a good week,
Love Em the explorer (aka chai and waffle wallah)

Posts: 508
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Social Anxiety.... Advice please!

Postby littleem » Fri Oct 19, 2018 7:47 pm

Yes!! Chai and waffle wallah!!!! :lol:

I can hear it now.... 'Cha! Cha!! Chaaaahhh!!' from a skinny Indian guy walking up and down the crowded trains.
I never take sugar in tea, but in Calcutta I would happily drink the sugary, spicy, milky deliciousness!! Chai! :D

I'm enjoying the child psychology course. There's a criminology one following on after it, too. I'm pleased I'm going because a few months back I lacked the confidence to even make it to the college. :|

My mother is utterly exasperated by my mental illnesses. She dreads it's going to go on and on and onnnnnnn..... :shock: :roll: :cry: .... As do I. Recovery seems beyond me. :? So many things to change..... I don't know where to start.

With baby steps, I know. ;) But they never seem to compare to what my mother considers a 'baby step'. :roll: Basically, she'd feel a lot better if I was physically restored. Thennnn she'd fret about all the mental shit. :roll: ;)

The anorexia is what I need to overcome.
Physically, I do not feel unwell. My bloods are all fine. I have improved in many ways with regards to my eating and attitude towards food. I have not relapsed since being discharged from hospital last year. :)
However, my BMI is 14.4, so not massively great. I eat anything (okay, maybe not the waffles we describe or gallons of chai like I used to :lol: ), I eat socially and I don't kick up a stink around meal times. I hate the fact that I have anorexia. I am ashamed of the ways it has affected my ability to mature and function as a 'normal', healthy, responsible and independent adult woman, I am embarrassed that I look twelve years old and I am ashamed of my body. :oops:
I don't however eat enough calories to gain weight. :?

Bottom line, (and I hate to admit this), but I don't want to. My head tells me, 'I am shit. If I am anorexic, I will not feel better as in 'good', but it will prevent me from feeling 'worse', because if I gain weight/'become fat' :roll: I will not only be 'shit'.... But WORSE than shit :shock: ....because I will then be 'fat AND shit'. :(
I will have absolutely nothing going for me. I won't even be 'thin' (although, my head doesn't actually see me as thin :roll: ) Then people will think *anorexia goes off on a mad speel of vile insults and outrageous anxious predictions* :x Ehhhh....
Bit of an insult into my 'Jekyll and Hyde' complex for you there..... :twisted: :oops:

Bloody awful move coming down on my meds. Only four days in and my depression is back like a violent torrent of rain exploding from a deathly-black cloud. :evil: That horrible, ugly ability to just stare vacantly ahead for ages.... The feeling of someone almost pushing down on my head.... that sense of nothingness. No motivation to go out.... even went back to bed yesterday which I haven't done for a year!! :shock: Called my CPN. She said these aren't withdrawal or reduction symptoms. Rather, it shows I'm still depressed but the higher dose keeps it at bay. Increased them back today. :roll:

New course tomorrow. 8-week workshop on low mood and anxiety. Bloody love a good course, I do. ;) :lol:

Today, I rang the supported living shared accommodation I mentioned to you recently. They have vacancies. When I see my care coordinator CPN Monday, she can put in the referral and we can check it out together. 8-) Won't lose anything by looking.

I do not whatsoever want to go inpatient (fills me with dread, terror, immense anxiety) and my only motivation would be to give my mother a break. Out of sight and out of mind. :roll: But that's a piece of random and useless information. :lol:

I hope the care home will be good, too. Something different. :) I finally learnt to say 'no' :lol: and have stepped down from volunteering at the shop. They messed me around again this week by shutting the shop when I was due to work without telling me?! And when I next went, it was dead quiet. I've got everything I can out of it to be honest.

Hope you've had a good week! Wishing you a happy weekend! :D Any nice plans? :)

P.S. LOVE the name, 'Tilly'. :D I have dog-envy!! My pup would be called, 'Waffle'. ;) Obvz.

Much love, peace and pup-cuddles! X

Posts: 194
Joined: Thu Jul 20, 2017 4:34 pm

Re: Social Anxiety.... Advice please!

Postby emloja » Sat Oct 20, 2018 2:10 pm

Hey there Jeckyll or is it hyde today?? He he!
So funny you say about the criminology course- i keep looking at forensic psychology and criminology- fascinates me. I think i would have loved to have been a detective- well from what i read in crime books and see on the TV. Congrats on enrolling and attending and also thinking about future courses-yay!
Boo to the anorexia and really difficult thinking patterns it provides-dammed if you do and dammed if you don't.
I guess it is pretty hard to accept and move away from the 'hate' you talk about towards anorexia. I hate all the negative words it brings out from you about yourself. I want it to be 1-0 to self compassion and kindness over anorexia!
It sounds like in some ways you have come really far in terms of eating and attitude to food- don't underestimate how great that is.
Do you purposely not eat enough calories to gain weight?
Excuse my ignorance- and please feel free to ignore if anything is inappropriate or out of my jurisdiction. But does the anorexia make you have all or nothing/black or white thinking when it comes to weight- what i mean is to me gaining weight does not automatically mean becoming fat- is that how it feels to you? I also wonder how things would be if you were fat? (I'm not saying you are but wondered what is it about being fat that makes it such an enormous threat and anxiety). I am going to stop here with this as i worry about saying the wrong thing as this is like mega serious and awful for you and i wouldn't want to sound anything other than caring and curious.
By the way i do love the effort you make with the emoticons- fab!
Boo to relapse! yay for you trying and yay to the increase if that is what you need right now- what an interesting journey we are on to reduce the meds and one day be med free- well that is def my aim! Yay to a helpful CPN who can give you instant and helpful feedback like that.
Your mental health CV would be amazing with all your CPD.
IT is good you are still checking out the shared living accom- even if you think it isn't for right now- it could be for the future. Good to get a picture of what it looks like.
Final yay to knowing it is time to move on from the shop!
Waffle would be a fab dog name- waffle and chai! he he.
My weekend- begin to pack for a holiday trip in two weeks time!!!!! My first for a while-eek! Tilly cuddles, boring adult jobs like washing my clothes and tidying- i always seem to have t sort out my house as it gets into a bit of a state throughout the week. At least i feel more able to deal with monday when my house is a bit tidier! I have also started painting by numbers a really cool monkey picture and doing a puzzle- old before my time but i am slowly embracing these creative tasks- creative but for those with limited talent. What do you do with your flower pots? It sounds like you do have talent!
off for a little cat nap now,
Take care- i hope the increase in meds kicks in soon-at least you know they are helping :)
Have a good weekend my friend,
Emma x

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