Glad I checked auto-correct, that initially came out as 'groin'. Gotta watch that anxiety groin!
Thanks for your kind and reassuring message.
You help me see the positive side.
I'm glad my humour comes through. I do have a slightly twisted sense of humour.
I would love to get paid for writing!! You're not the first to suggest this. But it's hard to get employment. I mean, I don't have a degree or anything. Unless I wrote a book! Several people have said I should write my life story thus far.... Seen as I turn a quarter of a century next year.
A blog would be good though, but I don't know the how's and where's of it all.
I have no idea for a 'dream job'. For so long I thought doing this or that would make me happy, but I need to change what's in ME to be happy because then my whole attitude to even the most painfully mundane and the most difficult and unappealing of work changes in a positive way. Like, in India I was different. I was authentically happy - the happiest I have ever been! I was so grateful, optimistic and positive. My self esteem and sense of self worth were in a good place. I valued myself, practiced self care and felt loved and accepted. I did not have depression, anxiety or anorexia. For six months, I worked amidst shit and piss and rats and rotting flesh.... Picking lice from people's hair, washing endless laundry in big buckets of cold water..... in dirty, smelly, desperate poverty. But I LOVED all of this. I laughed when I got headlice, ravenously scoffed a whole packet of chocolate biscuits post-typhoid-scare without any guilt or body insecurities, said 'yes' to every work and social opportunity with pleasure and no anxiety whatsoever. This wasn't because of India or the work I was doing because when I later returned (just after depression symptoms were returning), I isolated myself and avoided all social contact, I overworked myself to the point of burn out, I was having nightmares and was so insecure that I was a failure and nobody liked me, I started self harming and didn't want to get up in the mornings..... India didn't change. The work didn't change. It was my dream to go here and work and I realised that. But even living IN my dream.... how I felt depended on what was within ME - rather than the dream being what made me well.
Does that long convoluted waffle with extra bacon and maple syrup and sparklers and balloons make sense?
Guess I just want to be better than I am today. But I do have things I like to aim for. In a new-found, measured and baby-step way.
You don't 'need' to do this or that, Em. Do what YOU want to do!! Don't think, 'I should be reading because I used to love reading', rather decide to read a book when something particular takes your fancy! It doesn't matter if you read one page a month or devour the whole thing in one afternoon. What matters is that you enjoy it for those moments. Try not to think 'my life needs...' or 'should be like this....'. It only adds pressure and insecurities. Do things that make you happy. And if that means you have to secretly snuggle your pup under your jumper 24/7 then so be it.
But you know what I mean. Be kind to yourself.
Awwww I would love a dog!!!! Not possible with living with my parents though. They're not really into dogs. My disabled sister might be getting a therapeutic dog, though! And if my little three year old niece twists my brother's arm enough.... He might just buy his family a puppy, too! So I can be a dog visiter!
My mood has been LOW. Consequence of overcoming anorexia and choosing recovery. Depression and anorexia fuel eachother. I've been looking after my mother as she's been very unwell with vertigo. Odd, but our relationship is 100 times better when she's having a bad blip of illness. She even said how much calmer and not on-edge I seem. Whoops!
I hate seeing her unwell but I love looking after her. I've been giving her lots of massages with my reflexology and acupuncture gadgets. I guess it's because she's grateful. I feel appreciated and that I'm doing something right. When she starts to pick up, the nagging starts. I carry on doing everything as before. I don't do more when she's well. But she adds the stress onto me.
My ACT course is finished. Was good! I also read The Happiness Trap. Really good, too!
The Molton Brown thing knocked me back but I'm back on course to do a 10-week course in child psychology starting tomorrow. Not because I feel I should but because it's something that interests me.
First therapy session around self esteem went well. Explored my fear of anger. Was a tough session that had me crying!! We also looked at my food diaries. She was really pleased which is good to hear because recovering from anorexia ain't easy.
That's a serious waffle for you to read! Do you think my excessively long messages have affected your desire to read a book? Like, 'I can't read anymore! Not after Em's latest essay!'
Let me know how you're doing and what's new with you! Look forward to hearing from you.
Hope you enjoyed pup cuddles! Take care of yourself, Emma.
Your friend, Em xxx