I'm so proud of you and pleased for you! You should be so proud of yourself. Really lovely to receive such a positive and encouraging message.
Celebratory waffles on me! *hearty handshake*
Ahhh.... Acceptance. A burden from our backs. A breathe of fresh air!
I'll check out the TED talk. Thanks. Lots of people speak highly of these. I'm yet to check them out, though!
I've been proactive in seeking clarification regarding my treatment. General consensus is that I will receive the residual cbt-e sessions (that were previously discontinued) from the same service. I will receive confirmation of this tomorrow and then a meeting will be held with myself, my therapist and my care coordinator. Will keep you updated.
Due to complete my self-esteem work in four week's time.
I've realised that I have been falling into the trap of doing what I think I 'should' do - for others, rather than doing what I want - for me. I've also identified what is missing in my life - the physical presence of people in my life with whom I can be my true self..... people who accept me just as I am (even at my lowest without judgement, criticism or comments).... people with whom I feel accepted, 'enough' and genuinely cared about without any expectations being imposed on me.
I know my family love me. I am not saying otherwise. But those whom I am closest to have difficulty separating my actual person from my mental health problems and insecurities. Which fuels feelings of inadequacy, guilt, shame, sadness, insignificance, despondency, frustration, hurt and pressure within me.
I also know that there are people in my life who care about me. But I am not close with these people in the way that I can show every aspect of my life to them! Similarly, they are not close to me in a way that they feel genuine love for me. I hope this makes sense.
I had a friend some years back who I felt this way with. I loved him (although not in a romantic way) and I felt cared about, accepted, wanted and 'enough'. He's married now living the other side of the world. We text very occasionally. I'm happy for him. But I am sometimes sad for me. Likewise, I felt this way with some of the nuns and the people we cared for. But those nuns are now scattered around the world and are not permitted to remain in contact. The new nuns locally also are no longer involved in the particular voluntary work I used to enjoy. (This work is also food-related, so it's best I avoid it). ..... So that's something else I miss.
I feel this way now only with one person. My auntie. We talk daily but live in different areas so only see eachother every few months. Then my little nieces and nephew, of course! I can be goofy aunty Em with them. Then there's this forum that helps, but of course not in the same way as in person.
So I don't know what to do about this. I live in THE RETIREMENT CAPITAL OF THE WORLD!!!!!
Plenty here to keep the 80 year olds busy.... But when people hit 18 here, they go to uni and get a good job and move elsewhere or they get married and move elsewhere. Honestly. People seem to return by the time they're 40. They hit their bloomin' prime here at 60. And with all those activities for retired people.... Hey, they are living until they're 100!! Cynical, yes. But so true!!!
Feels like whatever I do food-wise it won't be enough for my mother. I am trying so hard. It's exhausting never receiving recognition or positivity about my achievements and being pulled up on every potential for negativity. So today I thought 'stuff it'and have booked myself a hair cut tomorrow and a full body Swedish massage, too! Just for the heck of it! I'm going to Church as well and if I'm not called in for work (guy I worked with in other place pulled a sickie today), then I will go to the duck pond to feed the ducks.
Might even make my mother's day and eat a whole loaf of bread.
But wasn't intentional. Will be back up soon enough what with all those waffles and loaves of bread.
So yeah.... I want to do things for me that make me happy. Because, whilst I am thankfully no longer depressed, (and I am grateful!!), I'm not particularly 'happy'.
Ah the party didn't really materialise as expected. Long (ish) waffle. No Biggie. Still working and liking it there. Plates are gleaming.
I had my choir taster session!! Overcame MASSIVE anxiety and got stuck in with the singing and dancing! Even saw someone from an eating disorders support group who I was major worried about seeing.... We smiled and chatted and there was no tension or awkwardness! I enjoyed it at parts and was glad I gave it a go. We won't be pursuing it though.... Found out it costs £300 a year!!
How are you doing? All waffled out after this whopper, I bet!!
Let me know what you have been up to!
Wishing you a happy week ahead. Onwards and upwards with the year of JOY!!
Much love my friend. Keep smiling.