Page 13 of 16

Re: Social Anxiety.... Advice please!

Posted: Thu Dec 06, 2018 8:20 pm
by emloja
How's you?
Yay very much to the 1kg weight gain- whoop, whoop, mega five star Whoop! You must feel so proud. What a great start to your new year target!!!! i guess i have to give you a whoop for wrapping your presents- i can only say, what presents? I can't believe when i hear xmas songs on the radio- is it really December? Bah humbug!

I survived the day! Blood test and nurse- all went okay- and after everything my embarrassing issue turned out to be completely in my head!!! But at least i can stop worrying about that one for now! And the Nurse didn't make me feel silly. I also got some more sleeping tablets (they are so strict) but that at least means i can relax knowing i have these as a back up. Whilst i don't want anything to come up on the blood test, i have a feeling this exhaustion etc may also all be in my head- i guess if it is, i just need to celebrate the fact i am healthy! They took a few vials so i am getting a proper MOT.

Yes, you are right- vulnerability shouldn't be a sign of weakness- but that is how i feel though- something i need to work on! Once i sort some realistic goals i will let you know.
I love your outlook- and at the end of the day everything is how we make it; i really do believe that. And you know what, when i am having a good day i can be appreciative of my life and everything in it. How great to be grateful!
Love your random tangents :)
Im working tomorrow- feels like a very long week! How's your working week been? I did sleep much better last night so am feeling positive about this eve's sleep- i feel i could drop right now- but will hold out for at least another hour.
Nighty night, Em x

Re: Social Anxiety.... Advice please!

Posted: Thu Dec 06, 2018 11:41 pm
by littleem
Hey! :D

Now you certainly sound in better spirits today! :D Yay! Whoop whoop right back at ya! ;) Well done for going to the nurse. Glad all went well with the blood test and that you had a proper MOT! :lol: Perhaps the embarrassing issue will go away now that you know it's in your imagination? Another thing less to worry about - whoop! :)

I hope you will gain some clarity with the blood test results. If anything shows up, it can be treated. :)
If nothing is problematic, then celebrate your good health! :D
Do you think this would help you to deal with the exhaustion? Do you think it would become easier for you to ignore, challenge and overcome the exhaustion if you identify it as being 'in your head'?
There's a positive outcome either way of you feeling less exhausted. :)

Two years ago, I felt 'drugged' tired because of my depression. I would sleep all night, get up, and immediately feel like a weight was on top of me..... crushing me back to bed. It wasn't a matter of wanting to sleep. I felt this overpowering NEED to sleep. I would easily sleep another four hours straight after a solid night's sleep. I would nap in the afternoons and still be glad it was evening time so that I could just go to bed. :shock: I wasn't physically tired and I didn't have any deficiencies. It was 'all in my head'. :roll:

I guess what I'm trying to (eventually :lol: ) say is you're not alone. I can empathise with you. *hugs* :)
I also can reassure you (if of course my experience is relevant to yours - sorry if I'm 'tangent-ing' again ;) ) that it DOES get better. I no longer have 'bed days'. I have not done so for over a year. Nor do I miss or want them. I no longer nap, go back to bed after sleeping or use sleep as a coping mechanism. If your tiredness IS depression-related, then I promise, with the right help things WILL get better. :)

What you're achieving already in spite of your exhaustion is commendable and inspiring!! You're doing so well, Emma! :D

I look forward to hearing your goals and will be here to encourage you. :)

I'm pleased to hear you had a better sleep last night and I hope you have a nice sleep tonight, too!

I'm good thanks. Enjoying the job. :) Feeling tired now after working and college. Getting up early tomorrow to make sausage rolls for the Church Christmas fete Saturday morning! Then off to Church (I read at Church today! Unlucky Mr. Anxiety) and then work.

Thanks for the positive whooping for my increase. You can keep being the 'Whooper' and I'll keep chowing down the WHOPPERS! :lol: Baby steps..... Okaaaay.... ;) The lettuce leaves from the whopper burgers! :lol: As long as they're pre-packaged. Obvz. 8-)

Hope you have a nice day at work tomorrow. Can't believe it's the weekend already!?

Much love and merriment (sorry I'm not an EM-beneezer..... :lol: )

Your whooping, whopper-wolfing, (and a bit weird ;) ) waffle monster mate! :lol: xxx

Re: Social Anxiety.... Advice please!

Posted: Sat Dec 08, 2018 11:42 am
by emloja
Now you have an excuse to feel tired! your life sounds so busy. I love that you are involved in things and part of things e.g. church, college, work. It sounds like a proper community! Well done for doing the reading :) thats pretty immense! Love a homemade sausage roll! That all deserves a whoop! and a tomato flavoured whoop for the Embeneezer! Do you have an Em- specialising dictionary???
Now last night has past, i can tell you what ridiculous thing i did to end a really rollercoaster week off! So i started the week by forgetting my card in the supermarket so i had to call my poor mum to come and bail me out. I ended the week filling my entire petrol tank up with diesel, when it takes unleaded. Luckily Tilly was with me- but without being able to put the engine on it meant i had to wait in a cold car for over two hours for the man to come- he was later than estimated as it was also Friday night rush hour! Tilly was such a good girl and slept on me- providing me with the warmth i needed. OMG i couldn't believe it- and it was a massive expense- £200. I had had a busy day at work, then gave some lifts to my parents who were arguing and getting stressed with each other- so my mind was so busy i didn't think when the nozzle felt a bit different (it fit but didn't go into the slot as deeply as normal) so i carried on- then when i put it back i saw the black!! I a, prone to a few dumbo moments but this! I think i dealt with it well- it was a kind of laugh rather than cry and lots of efforts to reduce my frustration and talking to Tilly.
So there we go. I'm not sure where my head is today-or what on earth this week was!! I'm at the stage where i am trying not to think or take notice of what is going on in my head and with everything. A friend was visiting today but luckily she is unwell (not like that!), but it means i don't have to tidy the house for her to come, and i don't have to entertain or stay up late. Even my sleep is still being random and although i am still feeling as tired; sleep and my naps are not as productive. It is funny actually; when i am exhausted, apart from the lack of motivation and physical lack of energy, i don't feel too bad in my head. I at least have the joy of a good sleep or nap. I do miss my lovely naps and don't like it when anxiety comes into my sleep. Oh dear- talk abut random!
At least the sun is shining! and i have no demands on me this weekend!
Enjoy your fete this morning- i hope you sell all your sausage rolls. Take care at work- we don't want you to burn out!
Thanks for your always inspiring words, Emma x

Re: Social Anxiety.... Advice please!

Posted: Sat Dec 08, 2018 3:18 pm
by littleem
Hello there!! :D

Oh dear, what a week you've had!! :lol: But you've dealt so well with it all and you seem in a better place about it all now. You can see the funny side to it. :) That said, I do wish you a less-stressful weekend and a better week ahead! :D

Hahaha 'Em-Dictionary'. :lol: The whole 'EM' thing started with another Sane user I chat with, ATTMP. Seen as you and I are both 'Em's', it made sense to keep it going. ;)

Fete went well thanks. Sold out of sausage rolls AND had two customers putting in an order for me to make more!! :lol: It was a nice morning and I do feel more part of the Church community. :)

Work went well yesterday. I couldn't be arsed but overcome that and was glad of it. The Chef/Owner even said I did really well. We are all planning a Christmas get together soon. We have a nice small team of nine. :) I'm in again tonight but will be glad to have tomorrow and Monday off. Then I go into my fourth week on the job! :)

My parents have been away for the weekend. I mean this in the nicest of ways but it's been lovely!! Love having my own space to be! I honestly think independent living (but close to family) will be a great thing for me. (When the time comes. Baby steps! Ahem!) ;)

So what are your plans for this weekend? Glad you have sunshine. We have raaaaaaaaain here. :roll:

Much love,

Em xx

Re: Social Anxiety.... Advice please!

Posted: Sat Dec 08, 2018 4:38 pm
by littleem
P.S. I just had a nap! :lol: xx

Re: Social Anxiety.... Advice please!

Posted: Sun Dec 09, 2018 10:02 pm
by emloja
Hey there, thanks- yes, i have had a relaxed weekend- long lie ins, better sleep, Tilly cuddles and binge watching of netflix!!! How was yours? How did the double shifts go yesterday? Hope you are enjoying your time off now!
You do seem to be very talented at things you do; i mean making things people want to buy is pretty cool- first your pots and now the sausage rolls!!! I really feel community is the way to go and i blame the lack of community on lots of people's loneliness and difficulties. The other week a friend took me to a Sikh temple and i was amazed by the strong sense of community-everyone in the family attends and they all have their friends there too, people all get fed (and very nice too; dahl and chana and also some very sweet desserts)-so there is the social experience of eating together and then they have religious and non religious clubs for everyone. My parents have never been the type to attend clubs but more recently my mum has joined them up to a few and they are really benefiting from being part of something.
Yay to everything work related as you have done such a great job and faced such a lot-and it seems that lots of positive things have also come out of the job. Yay to your nap too!
I am off tomorrow and then have a show to go to with work colleagues. I will attend this one! :) I will nap in the daytime and so will have energy and will enjoy myself! I am working on not thinking too much-if i didn't spend my life thinking i think i would be so much better off. I'm going back to a day at a time :) Over the next few weeks, work will just be slowing down as i catch up with all my paperwork. I have made some changes so next term will have less challenges for me and i will have more time to do the things i need to do- so i just need to sort out my home life and way i think about myself at the moment. Anyways, thanks again for all your kind words last week, much appreciated Em, from Em x

Re: Social Anxiety.... Advice please!

Posted: Tue Dec 11, 2018 8:56 pm
by littleem
Hey! :D

Glad the weekend went well. :D Double shift was good. Even stayed afterwards for a drink in the lounge! Look at me the dirty stop out. :lol:

Therapy started again yesterday which was good.

Hope you have a good week ahead!

Much love,

Em x

Re: Social Anxiety.... Advice please!

Posted: Thu Dec 13, 2018 2:03 pm
by emloja
Hey Ms Waffler :)
How you doing?
So glad the double shift went well and even better than well! Get you- dirty stop out ha ha! Fab to hear :) Also great to hear about theTherapy- good start!
So i finally got things together yesterday. I found out on Tuesday that my blood were 'satisfactory' so it is 'all in my head'. I decided to take on this new info and work with it- "I am healthy", "I have energy" being my new affirmations. I am a bit over being out of control and know i can only do this myself- I'm just needing to monitor as i already want to run or in fact sprint!!! The sun is shining and that helps too! I also decided to reduce my meds- perhaps the exhaustion was a bit to do with that too! My rationale was that waiting till i am completely stable is gonna take forever and i may as well be a bit up and down and on less meds than the same on more. It is okay for the next ten days but then i need to request some more-hope docs will be okay about this as i keep changing my mind about what i want. I also went to the theatre- it was fine. I thought i was a bit tired but still forced myself out! I do feel positive about everything- this minute anyways :)
Hope your week has continued to be good- cheers to us- onwards and upwards !
Lots of love, Emma :lol:

Re: Social Anxiety.... Advice please!

Posted: Thu Dec 13, 2018 5:31 pm
by littleem
Well hello there fellow Waffle Chops! :D

Lovely to hear from you! :) Glad you're feeling positive. Bask in that minute, my friend! Bask! :D :lol:

Glad to hear all is well with the bloods. :D Could the tiredness still be authentic though? I mean, do you think it could be a physical symptom of mental strain? (anxiety, stress and depression can be exhausting!)

Yay to sunshine! :D Yay to theatre! What did you see? I love the theatre! Darrrrrrling! :lol:

My week? :lol: Spent all day Monday and Sunday in a mad panic wanting to make the house 'perfect' for when my parents returned home from their weekend break. Thankfully my therapy session had prepared me for the inevitable criticism. :roll:

I had made sausage rolls. They're my mother's absolute favourite. She said 'they won't be the same in the microwave. They will taste awful!' within 20 minutes of being home. Then she started saying they hadn't had a very good time away together and they argued moments after. Later, my mother wanted the one stupid little tiny thing I forgot to pick up. Honey, of all things. :roll:

Yesterday, she noticed that I had cleaned the oven. I spent ages doing this Monday. Anyone would have thought the world was ending! :lol: In all fairness, I used a highly flammable product to clean it. :shock: She isn't happy that I stopped my ESA. She isn't happy that I am washing dishes. She called me a 'skeleton' and a 'scarecrow' and is the only one who gives me the reality check if how much I am locked into anorexia. :? She said she has had enough and that she wishes I had joined the community (long story. I was due to join a convent in India with a very strict order that didn't see family for ten years at a time. I was accepted and everything but spent time volunteering in a different community environment in Bosnia months before and ended up with depression, that led to a full mental breakdown.... and here I am today. It took me AGES to get over the pain of not joining but I am okay with it all now. Whistle stop tour there. :lol: ) She says I NEED help but the ED services are just non-existent. :?

I've surprised myself with how I've responded to this though. The negative thoughts about failing and being rubbish have not been entertained. In future, I am not going to overcompensate and go to the extreme about making everything 'just so'. I will do the basics, but nothing will ever be approved of so my energy will be better spent elsewhere. :lol:

My mother just wants to see me weight restored. I have been experiencing a very weird sense of detachment for a long time. I believe it's the medication but perhaps it's living in anorexia too. Like being lost in my own little world. I don't even feel anorexic. The CMHT have honestly verbalised to me 'you look so well and right as you are', and the ED team have disappeared off the face of the earth. People at Church who have watched me slip into anorexia have recently asked me to make sausage rolls for them for Christmas (my mother is very against this), and nobody at college, church, work or in the family ever mentions it, suspects it or comments on my weight or eating habits. When my weight was dropping to this point, everyone was concerned. But at this level seems to be accepted. I therefore wonder, 'Am I even I'll?', 'Am I even anorexic?', 'Is there anything wrong with me?' :| I don't even feel real. I feel alright. Not bad. Just.... not real. :|

What the heck?! Random waffles left, right and centre. :lol:

Hm, so criminology.... :? Three out of six have dropped out. The only person remaining that I clique with couldn't face it last week because one man there triggers her. She argued with him the previous week! :lol: She said she had had a bad day and knew she would likely end up exploding at him! :shock: :lol: He is very disruptive, takes up SO MUCH class time and is too intense. At college, I was speaking to the tutor when he bursts in the classroom, butts in, cuts me off and starts ranting about his personal life?!? :| Then when we are given fake crime scenes to try and figure out, he really loudly is going 'HM! HMMM! HMMMMMM!!', scribbling down notes at top speed and scratching his head. The whole atmosphere had changed. The content of the class was quite unpleasant and I just thought that with that man (I don't even know his name! :lol: ) dominating the class, my brain was NOT in a place to even attempt the work. So I politely asked to leave. I feel sorry for the one remaining student I left behind with him! :lol: It's a shame because he is ruining the course! I will go next week (hopefully the nice lady who I travel in with will be going!!) and if it's the same feeling then I may finish the course when it runs again or see if I can complete the assignments at home. Only five sessions left so it would be a shame not to get the end qualification.

Work is going well. I like the people and it goes quickly. My mother and my therapist are concerned about the hours so I told my boss how I tend to 'run before I can walk'. I asked to work less (maximum 20 hours weekly) not because I don't want to work but because I DO. I will have to tell a small porky pie lie to my mother that I am only working Friday night instead of Friday day and night (she's at work in the day). :? I find it SO HARD to be assertive.

If you've made it this far, congrats. :lol:

All the best with reducing the meds. Just take it one day at a time. Keep me posted.

Until the next waffle,

Your chatterbox chum xxx

Re: Social Anxiety.... Advice please!

Posted: Fri Dec 14, 2018 10:45 am
by emloja
Hey there Sweety Darling!!
We saw a Motown production- was mainly singing, dancing and costumes, but was good-they had amazing voices. I love theatre too- you cannot beat a good musical- I need to book some in for the new year!
OMG- you can come and look after my house any day- cleaning the cooker- wow- that is amazing- but maybe with another cleaning product (welcome to my world!!)! I'm sorry your efforts didn't yield a more positive response. Sounds like you cannot win whatever you do- which is hard. Has your mum always been like that, got better or got worse? She doesn't sound very relaxed from being away! Where is your dad in all of this? love your attitude and thoughts!
OMG also to the strict community-wow- you don't do things by halves do you! 10 years no contact with family or friends- wowsers! I do a weekly retreat every year and love it and it did help me see the appeal of community living but that is as far as i get. What was it that attracted you to this? Was it the religious aspect? I am intrigued.
The criminology thing sucks and i really think the tutor should have said something to that guy especially if he is impacting so negatively upon the whole class- it is obviously him! I don't think it is fair you have all been put in this position tbh. I hope you get to go next week as it really sounds very interesting. Solving crimes-id love that!
I am happy that you are pacing yourself at work and asked to work less-even though i know this is not what you want at all. I guess it sometimes comes down to the difference between what we need and what we want.
Okay- i want to talk about the anorexia- please don't answer anything you feel is inappropriate and also don't be offended by my ignorance. So how do you honestly feel you are doing with your anorexia? It sounds like your thinking with regards to the depression and self-esteem is really coming along and rational and positive and realistic. How is your progress really going? You said you'd reached a goal last week- is this consistent? What are your thoughts to do with your weight, body image and food? I would think everything you have learnt can be transferred to these areas too. You have it in you. Do you think people are worried about you using all of your energy (physical and mental) up and not having any to spare on your recovery (probably wrong word as i know it isn't as simple as this) from anorexia? Are you saying that more seemed to be done before you reached such a low weight and now everything seems to have disappeared and you just are- in a bit of limbo. So is your health in danger now? Or could it be ? Just some random questions- what would recovery from anorexia look like to you? What would feeling 'real' feel like? Do you think you have focused so much on everything else which you can control and have been making progress with that you have gone into a bit of denial about the anorexia? Denial is so annoying and so strong- and if other people are not acknowledging your weight loss etc then this could be used as evidence to back up the denial??!?!
Excuse my ignorance but why shouldn't you work with food or make food?
Anyways, I have plans to walk the dog, go to the supermarket and do some tidying- how i live the life. I am off out on sunday with some friends for a xmas catch up- escape rooms (have you ever done?).
Anyways, look after yourself on your busy Friday! Have a good one,
I do worry that you are doing so well in all areas of your life