)I think it was as you were trying hard to get into work on your last message and been forcing yourself despite feeling meh- that my worry took over. You can always say something like 'Hi All, I'm a bit waffled out atm with life, but all is well, speak later, Em'. No need to apologise though- I'm just happy you are as good as can be and our enjoyment of chatting is mutual. Okay will stop now!
Can we rewind to work though and can you commend yourself on going and staying last saturday even though things were against you- that is strength!
So i am going to go to the Drs tomorrow- i have my list! I know after all this i will probably be in and out as i speak mega fast and even faster when anxious and so really don't have anything to worry about-nothing is going to hurt me-physically.I am also going to ask her to do my blood pressure as i don't want some strangers on my records! HA ha. The idea of someone coming with me would make everything so much worse- remember my MH issues are completely in the closet so to speak. Even if something scares the hell out of me, i would rather go on my own, i would rather cry on my own. Believe it or not i do not have any attachment issues but you would think so by the way i act and feel. I hate attention if i am poorly even physical. I have always hated being sick and upset and always been quiet about it- even as a child, when all i would have been given was love and kindness from my parents- i hate being weak and any physical or mental weakness makes me feel really embarrassed and kind of suffocated. This is probably a big issue and it stops me forming relationships as you have to be open and honest and vulnerable- yuck! But it was probably a good suggestion to a 'normal' person!! he he!
I had a lazy days yesterday which i didn't beat myself up about. My mum texted me today to ask if i wanted to go out for a walk with Tilly which was nice. I also hoovered!!! Hate hoovering.
The positive thing about work is that you have actually had/got 50 different jobs- like interviewed
and applied and been given the job-so that must stand for something!
Loving my rug!
Oh dear- when the emotions calmed did you feel better or worse for losing it- was it a 'better out than in' or not??I sounds like you needed to get it out! What triggered your outburst? Are you still also going to romania? Must be hard knowing xmas is currently around your brothers. Was your mum aware of all of this and how you feel before your outburst? If not, it sounds like it may have been good to help her see what the relationship is currently doing to you. I get where your mum is coming from, but why should you have to respond to their idiotic comments! They shouldn't be so insensitive and make them in the first place. Has your brother always been like that? Does he really understand the impact of his words on you? Sounds tough- please rant away!
I can guarantee those you work with don't know about your anorexia- you sound like an oscar award winner! I also don't think you should waste your energy feeling guilty for withholding the truth about your anorexia- how would this be 'letting them down'? You are rocking up with your fab personality, showing much enthusiasm for food and just not telling them about your anorexia- would they know if you were gluten intolerant, for example, and if you didn't tell them about this, would you feel guilty. I can't see that your anorexia is a barrier to you doing your job and so i would say it is none of their business. Stop the guilt!! Especially when it is not really real (you know when they teach you to identify if a worry is real or hypothetical)- so your guilt about your mum is real, but about letting people you work with down because you haven't told them about your ED is not- well that's what i think.
Ha ha lovely story about your nan!
Does it get stressful and harder around xmas and new year due to your anorexia? One xmas when i was really down i struggled to eat- i just completely lost my appetite and before that i hadn't really noticed how stressful eating situations could be and at xmas there were so many. I avoided some and then got stuck with others. It was hard when others noticed i hadn't eaten much. I know this is nothing like anorexia.
Hopefully xmas will be okay this year as half the family are down after xmas so not everyone together.
Anyways- hopefully i will have good news of having been to the Drs, next time we speak. I hope you have had time to rest in amongst all of your work and business,
Lots of love and virtual hugs, Emma xx
Most days I feel like a hamster in one of those balls they run around the house in. But as though someone has booted the ball with me in it in the air!! 
. 
Technically I'm not, I work with plates. 
See what I mean about the hamster ball experience?! 