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Social Anxiety.... Advice please!

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emloja
Posts: 194
Joined: Thu Jul 20, 2017 4:34 pm

Re: Social Anxiety.... Advice please!

Postby emloja » Sun Dec 02, 2018 11:36 pm

Hey Misses, thanks for understanding.And thanks for your mega waffle (I think!! :o )
I think it was as you were trying hard to get into work on your last message and been forcing yourself despite feeling meh- that my worry took over. You can always say something like 'Hi All, I'm a bit waffled out atm with life, but all is well, speak later, Em'. No need to apologise though- I'm just happy you are as good as can be and our enjoyment of chatting is mutual. Okay will stop now!
Can we rewind to work though and can you commend yourself on going and staying last saturday even though things were against you- that is strength!
So i am going to go to the Drs tomorrow- i have my list! I know after all this i will probably be in and out as i speak mega fast and even faster when anxious and so really don't have anything to worry about-nothing is going to hurt me-physically.I am also going to ask her to do my blood pressure as i don't want some strangers on my records! HA ha. The idea of someone coming with me would make everything so much worse- remember my MH issues are completely in the closet so to speak. Even if something scares the hell out of me, i would rather go on my own, i would rather cry on my own. Believe it or not i do not have any attachment issues but you would think so by the way i act and feel. I hate attention if i am poorly even physical. I have always hated being sick and upset and always been quiet about it- even as a child, when all i would have been given was love and kindness from my parents- i hate being weak and any physical or mental weakness makes me feel really embarrassed and kind of suffocated. This is probably a big issue and it stops me forming relationships as you have to be open and honest and vulnerable- yuck! But it was probably a good suggestion to a 'normal' person!! he he!

I had a lazy days yesterday which i didn't beat myself up about. My mum texted me today to ask if i wanted to go out for a walk with Tilly which was nice. I also hoovered!!! Hate hoovering.
The positive thing about work is that you have actually had/got 50 different jobs- like interviewed
and applied and been given the job-so that must stand for something!

Loving my rug!

Oh dear- when the emotions calmed did you feel better or worse for losing it- was it a 'better out than in' or not??I sounds like you needed to get it out! What triggered your outburst? Are you still also going to romania? Must be hard knowing xmas is currently around your brothers. Was your mum aware of all of this and how you feel before your outburst? If not, it sounds like it may have been good to help her see what the relationship is currently doing to you. I get where your mum is coming from, but why should you have to respond to their idiotic comments! They shouldn't be so insensitive and make them in the first place. Has your brother always been like that? Does he really understand the impact of his words on you? Sounds tough- please rant away!

I can guarantee those you work with don't know about your anorexia- you sound like an oscar award winner! I also don't think you should waste your energy feeling guilty for withholding the truth about your anorexia- how would this be 'letting them down'? You are rocking up with your fab personality, showing much enthusiasm for food and just not telling them about your anorexia- would they know if you were gluten intolerant, for example, and if you didn't tell them about this, would you feel guilty. I can't see that your anorexia is a barrier to you doing your job and so i would say it is none of their business. Stop the guilt!! Especially when it is not really real (you know when they teach you to identify if a worry is real or hypothetical)- so your guilt about your mum is real, but about letting people you work with down because you haven't told them about your ED is not- well that's what i think.
Ha ha lovely story about your nan!
Does it get stressful and harder around xmas and new year due to your anorexia? One xmas when i was really down i struggled to eat- i just completely lost my appetite and before that i hadn't really noticed how stressful eating situations could be and at xmas there were so many. I avoided some and then got stuck with others. It was hard when others noticed i hadn't eaten much. I know this is nothing like anorexia.
Hopefully xmas will be okay this year as half the family are down after xmas so not everyone together.
Anyways- hopefully i will have good news of having been to the Drs, next time we speak. I hope you have had time to rest in amongst all of your work and business,
Lots of love and virtual hugs, Emma xx

emloja
Posts: 194
Joined: Thu Jul 20, 2017 4:34 pm

Re: Social Anxiety.... Advice please!

Postby emloja » Mon Dec 03, 2018 7:03 pm

Hey- i know this is extra keen but i have had a really pants day and will feel better for sounding off. My mood has been really low, weather crap, i've been extra forgetful and clumsy, tearful and feeling crappy! I'm not dwelling on it but want to share the love- ha ha!
So my Doctor only does book on day appointments- so i woke in time and called-by the time i got through- 12 minutes worth of calls- 144 actual calls (thanks redial). I then get told my doctor has no availability this morning as was on a smaller schedule- they didn't tell me this last week. No other female doctors available. I got mega annoyed and upset. Annoyed that i had wasted so much energy on this appointment. Annoyed for other people with anxiety or even elderly patients who want to see the same or a female doctor and cannot. I didn't mind in the past as as long as i called early enough i always got an appointment- if not and worse case scenario i got another female doctor who has now left. So i got brave and channeled my frustration into calling the practice manager-i am always annoyed that the system is not at all sensitive to people with MH issues and called her to just explain what it is like for me- a person with anxiety. I wasn't angry just a bit bumberly and apologetic!?!?!? I don't think we resolved anything- she agreed to speak to the doctor for me and ordered a blood test and a new prescription for my 40mgs. I also booked to see the nurse on Thursday about another annoying embarrassing issue- i really would like to have a more glamorous issue like.... errrr.....a migraine??? mental health and embarrassing stuff- great! I am going to also ask her to take my blood pressure as i don't want someone else's on my records!!
So i think i am feeling a bit down as i am now taking 40 for another month. I think i know it is the right thing but it is so annoying! I keep singing that song in my head "low, low, low low, low low low".
Then i went to the supermarket and left my cards at home and had no money. Then i smashed my clock in the kitchen. Now i am exhausted and have no energy (mentally or physically) to make myself dinner. Hey ho- This was a rant waffle- not need to reply to this one- better out than in. My previous message was a bit more 'normal'. I am going to sign off and not get embarrassed by my waffle or ridiculousness. Emma xx

littleem
Posts: 437
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Social Anxiety.... Advice please!

Postby littleem » Tue Dec 04, 2018 7:23 pm

Hey Emma! :D

Aww Hun, it sounds like you've had a right bloomin' Monday morning! *hugs* :)

The doctor's surgery system is a pain in the bum, I know. But well done for persevering and asserting yourself! I'm dead impressed that you called them back and spoke to the manager! Go you!! 8-)

Well I reckon you should phone in a takeaway tonight and chuck on some Netflix with some Tilly cuddles! As for tomorrow, pop out with your money and treat yourself to a nice new kitchen clock! :D

I forget things and lose things constantly! :roll: Most days I feel like a hamster in one of those balls they run around the house in. But as though someone has booted the ball with me in it in the air!! :lol: :lol: :lol:

Don't worry about the embarrassing stuff. Those in the medical profession deal with that stuff on a daily basis. Nothing to be embarrassed about. It's not like you personally chose to have whatever problem you're dealing with! :lol: ;).

So, how are you feeling tonight? Please be kind to yourself. Everyone has the kind of day you've had. So keep positive my friend, you're doing well. :)

I'm currently on the bus to college. Usually I leave at 5pm. The course starts at 6pm. Last week I was offered a lift from the same spot I was dropped off at 5.40pm. I waited for 15 minutes. No show. I got the 6pm bus and will be half hour late for college. Whilst on the bus, I remember I have forgotten my college work! :lol:

Don't ever worry about ranting to me. It's what I'm here for. I'm listening and I care. :) I'm sending positive, happy and peaceful vibes your way.

Stay strong,

Em xx

littleem
Posts: 437
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Social Anxiety.... Advice please!

Postby littleem » Tue Dec 04, 2018 7:35 pm

Me again! ;)

Part two! :lol:

In response to your first post......

Yes, it definitely felt better to get the emotions out! I feel much better about the whole situation. A lot of it is probably in my head anyways. :roll:

I've just come off ESA (not told anyone) in order to work more hours at work. (A manageable amount! Whereby I will earn more than ESA.) So, for me this is a positive. It also motivates me to ensure I eat well because otherwise I will become exhausted and the job won't work. Also there is the added motivation due to not having the security of ESA. I'm working this Saturday night as a one off, but it will otherwise just be daytime hours (between 20-25 hours, plus really good tips!) I'm nervous but I feel ready. My mother does not want me to work with food so I told her I'm not. :? Technically I'm not, I work with plates. :lol:

She got angry with me the other day (as anticipated) due to me not gaining weight so I am really trying! I've set myself a goal of 5 and a half stone by the New Year when I go to Bosnia.

Okay, off to college now. I'm drenched!

Let me know you're okay.

Love Em xx

emloja
Posts: 194
Joined: Thu Jul 20, 2017 4:34 pm

Re: Social Anxiety.... Advice please!

Postby emloja » Tue Dec 04, 2018 8:17 pm

Hey,
Yes, it was just a rubbish day- these are what i need to erase- i seem to lose all control. I took Tilly on 3 walks as i hoped it would make me feel better and then couldn't sleep- i ended up ruminating on unimportant things- i played the autogenic phrases which i normally love and they can help to calm me (have i told you about these?), i played many sleep hypnosis and relaxation clips from Youtube- nothing worked so i ended up taking a sleeping tablet at 1am (as i worked out it had enough time to work before i had to be up) and it just shut my head up! I think perhaps apart from these crazy days, which sometimes might last longer i am better!! he he! The problem is i only have half a sleeping tablet left! :o Thanks for your kind words. I can't believe i phoned her now- i was in such a state- so annoyed after stressing so much i felt she should know what it is like- she was very nice- no wonder she got the increased prescription from the doctors ha ha- she must have thought i was proper crazy!!
I have a clock i bought somewhere upstairs that i saw on retreat- it doesn't have any numbers, just the words 'now' next to each space- i loved this when i saw it and my brother bought it for me for my birthday -so i will put that up!
The hamster ball sounds like zorbing- i always loved the idea of zorbing on water but haven't found anywhere i could do that.
Poor you on the lift last week and forgetting your college work- sounds tough. It sounds pretty tough navigating and getting to all your venues using public transport- well done you!
Well done for coming off ESA - just for your own self-worth as i know how much this means to you and also for the money side. Yay to good tips too. Just remember slowly, slowly, catchy monkey! I love that you work with plates and not food! Ha ha!
So Bosnia is for the new year- that is cool. I don't have any trips planned atm- maybe time to plan them. I am just getting annoyed at myself for always doing lots of research and never actually booking anything- lots of effort for not much materialisation.
Well done on the weight goal- how are you going to ensure you achieve it? Anything you can do differently?
Anyways today was okay- my head was much better (literally like a switch was pressed). So odd- apart from the tiredness my thoughts are of a regular type and fluency! Random blip!
Hey ho- gonna get a cuppa and send you warm vibes,
Take care,
Emma :)
Sorry you got wet- don't get that cold that is going around

littleem
Posts: 437
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Social Anxiety.... Advice please!

Postby littleem » Wed Dec 05, 2018 12:54 am

Hey! :D

Realised that you posted yesterday evening and that I replied tonight as if today was still Monday?! :| See what I mean about the hamster ball experience?! :lol: I have been having several 'brain fart' moments lately. Slightly disconcerting..... :roll: :lol:

I certainly don't think the manager thought you were 'proper crazy'. I believe her response was one of empathy, compassion and genuine concern. :)

That clock sounds awesome! Cool enough that it makes smashing your previous clock worth it. :lol:

Zorbing on water! They have that at the local fun fair in the summer! I've never been in one though. Don't like the thought of being trapped in a ball, but zoom me around on any spew-inducing ride and I'm laughing! :lol: I love a rollercoaster.

Thanks. I will be sensible with my working hours. It's up to me to make this work. I know the alternative which I don't want. I feel there's been a cognitive shift with regards to work. This is a MASSIVE positive.

Perhaps focus on something you know you are able to do? I would always set myself up to back out and feel worse because my goals were over-ambitious, counter-productive, undesirable and unsustainable. Do for you!!! :D

I've got a meal plan then it's weigh day tomorrow.

How are you feeling tonight?

Sending love and peace!

Em xx

emloja
Posts: 194
Joined: Thu Jul 20, 2017 4:34 pm

Re: Social Anxiety.... Advice please!

Postby emloja » Wed Dec 05, 2018 9:48 am

Ha, Ha- i often tell everyone its the wrong day at work- i think it is that no longer working Mon-Fri.
Had another pants night-busy, busy mind- but did get to sleep on my own eventually. Feeling quite low today! Thinking it is a few things- not reducing meds (as i so wanted to), the annoyances of that busy mind at night and also annoying anxiety dreams which have returned, the horrible weather. I am also now having those annoying 'pathetic' thoughts pounding away- i thought today that i have worked hard on accepting my life and that it is not like the life i planned. But i think what i am struggling with atm is that i can see what i have and the potential of what i have and i really don't feel it is what it could be or 'should' (sorry) be. I feel i am wasting it. I have made changes to make life better and easier but i am not even making the most of them. I get by. I am writing this in the full glare of my therapy light (haven't been using it properly-as most things!). I think it is also that this not making the most of it and trying my hardest goes against my core ... (can't think of the word), but i have always been a keen and enthusiastic hard working person-making the most of what i have and now!!! Anyways i won't dwell.
Still loving your cognitive shift- that is a deep rooted change and so can only be positive. Have a good day!

littleem
Posts: 437
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Social Anxiety.... Advice please!

Postby littleem » Wed Dec 05, 2018 12:30 pm

Morning my friend :)

Sending hugs, warm wishes and positive vibes your way!! Aww I'm sorry you had another pants night. Better days have passed and so better days will come. With time, you will be able to start accepting your life as it is. What is most important is the internal - who YOU are - (in my opinion, you come across as a really lovely person who is a good and loyal friend with a great sense of humour and the characteristics of honesty, empathy and kindness.) :D - rather than the 'external'.

That said, if there are things you'd like to introduce or revisit in your life, could you make small goals to start to achieve them? Baby steps. For YOU. Not because you feel you 'ought to', but because you genuinely want to for you!! :D

Nobody has a "perfect' life. We all have our ups and downs. Sometimes things work out as we'd hoped and stay that way. Sometimes they change. Sometimes we never do what we thought we always wanted to. Sometimes we do something even better. It's taken me a long time to start to realise that even those with the most 'exciting', 'successful', 'impressive' and 'together' lives have to do the mundane tasks of life. What is more, the reality doesn't always correspond with the external impression given. We all struggle. *Big Hugs!*

Right, I am off to work! Might leave the dishes outside in the rain to wash!! Haha!

Speak laters You're in my thoughts.

Em xxx

emloja
Posts: 194
Joined: Thu Jul 20, 2017 4:34 pm

Re: Social Anxiety.... Advice please!

Postby emloja » Wed Dec 05, 2018 7:59 pm

Thanks for the hugs!! Now the question is- do you use fairy liquid and how soft are your hands? I suppose you wear gloves?- otherwise how you could also go for a job as a hand model- modelling washing dishes or rings? perhaps we are on to something here?
Thanks for your kind words- it is good for me to hear them and not cringe. I really do appreciate it and slowly, slowly i am feeling less embarrassed about being so honest and 'weaker 'vulnerable' to the entire world on this website!!
So i managed work- even showed my face at a retirement lunch in the office (quick in and out). I was supposed to be out this evening but have sent my apologies saying i am too tired and sorry that i am lame. Got back early, had a nap and then sorted some emails- glad i did- i almost didn't-feel better for a bit of admin. Have an early school visit tomorrow and then blood test at lunch and nurse in afternoon. Not gonna stress yet about it- will forget i have to go and make a list.
I don't think i am wanting anything like totally out there- i just don't want to waste my life. I think i might get some paper and get a bit creative with planning my life- but realistically- maybe some targets but achievable ones- i think it is just the frustration of wanting to run a marathon before i can walk ha ha. Anyways enough self-indulgence- its not all about me- how's you my kind friend?
I am too tired that I'm not setting any expectations but i am hoping tonight is the night- come back to me sleep! I always panic that i am going back to my insomniac stage which was blurrrr! Im sure i am not it is just Mr Anxiety that is messing with me!

littleem
Posts: 437
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Social Anxiety.... Advice please!

Postby littleem » Thu Dec 06, 2018 12:24 am

Hiya! :D

How are you feeling tonight? I hope you've had a better day. Sounds to me like you've achieved a lot. You seem brighter, too. :)

Hahahaha! :lol: Modelling washing dishes? Definitely onto something here. :lol:

I don't think vulnerability has to be a sign of weakness. I think it can take real strength and courage to express one's inner unique authenticity with such honesty and self-awareness. The forum thing is a weird concept. :| But it's oddly cathartic.

Well done for going to work and for showing your face at lunch. Well done for getting on with the admin tasks, too! :) No need to apologise for tiredness. You're going to have a blood test tomorrow to address the tiredness (an external symptom not of your personal choice, remember! :) You're not lame! You're exhausted. Totally different. The people who wanted you to go out with them tonight clearly don't think you're lame!

Small, realistic goals sound positive. Baby steps. I feel like that's my catch phrase! :lol: But I've had to accept that in order to achieve, sustain, overcome and then challenge, I have to move in teeny tiny baby steps. :)

You're not being self-indulgent. I'm here to listen and to help as best as I can! :)

I'm good thanks. I'm enjoying this little job of mine. I have a completely different outlook. Before, I would quit because it was (in my mind) 'a crap job'. I know I am capable of more. Before, I would regard myself therefore as a total failure and a loser. :shock:
But I see it differently now. The work is easy, the people nice and I am coping. Right now, it's where I'm at. I think after hitting rock bottom, the only way forward has been up. I tell myself this:

' I have not achieved less. I have overcome more.' To some, dishes is a shit job. To some, it makes me stupid. But I know my own truth - enduring the darkness of mental illness. I know what it took to get to this point so those who judge it differently don't matter.

'Those who mind, don't matter. Those who matter, don't mind'.

Oops. Random tangent. :lol:

Gained 1kg today as targeted!!! Actually really pleased with myself. My mother was so happy and relieved which means the world to me. :D

I've also just wrapped my Christmas presents!

Hope you have a good sleep and a nice day tomorrow. Good luck with the blood test and nurse appointment.

Night!

Em xx


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