I'm back! I wanted to reply sooner.
This working lark is great but it takes the oomph out of me!
I therefore wanted to reply when I was able to send a nice hearty waffle bursting with excessive EMoji-use and Dr. EM recomm-EM-dations. I didn't want to send anything less than my full commitment to the message.
In future, I will pop a message to let others know I am okay (as all of your possible scenarios were completely plausible. Similar incidents have played a part numerous times in my life previously) so that others don't worry. It was a little insensitive of me, actually. We are all worriers on this site (I mean, everyone worries!), so I apologise for being a bit careless. You are not at all needy. I enjoy our chats and they help me a lot. I don't feel pressured to respond. Rather, I WANT to respond. S'all good.
Be gentle with yourself. Go at your own pace and don't beat yourself up about not doing things a certain way. Nobody is perfect. *hugs*
The only way out of the anxiety is through it. It does get easier. I was the same with work as you with your doctor. Honestly, up to around fifty different jobs.
I quit, walked out of or didn't even turn up for ALL of them (never been sacked though!) And then unemployed for eighteen months bar three weeks (walked out) and two days (walked out). But only now I am feeling able to cope with sustaining work. (Okay, only two weeks now, but my attitude to the quality of the job, whether the other people there like me, my confidence in my own ability to cope at work and my acceptance of imperfection and not giving 110% at all times have all changed for the better.) I feel different about it.
Going to a support group with my mother enabled me to get here. I avoided social situations (hence the title of this thread!) but going to that group let me see that I could do what I thought I couldn't. This spurred me on to access other things, to want to access them and to feel more confident in my ability to do so. I have a long way to go, but when you face the anxiety you will discover the reality is not as 'bad'.
Could anyone accompany you to the doctor?
Little and often is good. Small goals. Definitely keep going with this.
Well done on making a great start. Lots of positives there.
Especially loving the charity shop rug!
Haha, I can hold a tune. Kinda-sorta-maybe.
I lost it today. Totally unexpected. A lot of 'stuff' was curdled up inside me - dorment anger, hurt, rejection, negativity... I was unexpectedly provoked and BAM! Verbal diarrhoea and home truths and tears.
I ranted about certain people in my family (namely my brother and the 'larrr-deeee-darrr' pretentious family he's married into
) ..... highly trigger me by talking excessively about food, getting fat, losing weight, blah blah blah blah either directly to me or amongst themselves despite me being in the same room! I don't know what they expect? Weight loss advice or something?!? So insensitive and rude. They have no empathy for people with mental illness and spew shit about the contributory factors. The content of their opinions amidst the 'larrrs' and the 'darrrs' is actually quite ignorant. I told my mother this and she said objectively in response, 'this must make you feel as though you are a non-entity'. I told her she hit the nail on the head with that one. Spot on. We are due to spend Christmas there.
I don't want to so I might not, actually. My mother said I should use my dry and sarcastic sense of humour in response to their idiotic comments.
One of my therapy goals is to be able to 'calmly and confidently assert myself in response to their triggering comments'.
PHEW!! Rant much?!
Yeah, I know my care coordinator does care.
Family therapy is probably about April time?
By 'normal', I meant it's nice and refreshing not to be seen as purely a mental illness. It's nice that nobody knows or mentions my anorexia. Maybe I am apologising to myself for embarrassing myself by engaging in anorexic behaviours. Such behaviours are often alarming and bizarre (compared to any form of 'normal') and whilst it's not me (it's an illness), it physically and literally IS me carrying out all the behaviours. Think 'elephant in the room' situation.
When people give me a chance (e.g. my employers) and are nice to me, I feel guilty for letting them down by withholding the truth about my anorexia. Thing is, if I told them, they wouldn't employ me in a kitchen!
I don't want others to know. I just feel uneasy at the thought that others know but don't say anything!
I don't want to look foolish.
Finally, I feel guilty for how the illness affects others, namely my mother. I don't want to hurt her. I hate lying.
Haha!! I can definitely see the humour in that situation! Can't beat 'packet and water' soup!
My late grandmother had a very basic and bland diet. We went to a British restaurant in the UK once and when she asked for the soup of the day (expecting bog-standard tomato or cream of vegetable....), the waitress said completely seriously, 'curried banana'. My dear gran's face!!
We left the restaurant.
Golly gosh I have written a novel!!
See, I DO care.
Much love and peace, my friend! You are doing fabulously wonderful.