For a start, as you are feeling so depressed, you may easily find yourself feeling that everyone around you is being negative towards you. The depression will certainly make you 'feel alone' because the 'darkness' that is associated with it can have a 'shroud' effect upon you.
We often find ourselves feeling frustrated about the fact that other people do not understand how we feel. It can often be because other people are 'wrapped up' in their own problems and sadly, don't want to be burdened with other' s issues. It is a fault in our contemporary society, unfortunately.
The feeling that no-one understands you can be isolating. It is very difficult for all of us to express ourselves and be understood by others. This is not because you are at fault. Again this our modern society in general.
There is an element of depression that can make a person feel that everyone hates him/her. The 'bubble' of isolation creates a 'compounding' effect or further 'build-up' of the depression and this in turn can lead a depressed person to 'look outwards' at other people in a negative way. They don't see the other person smile but will immediately recognise and take serious note of a frown. A depressed person may not pay too much attention to people in a good mood but will become 'over-sensitive' to anyone that is in a bad mood.
It can be a common occurrence in your situation to feel that 'everyone hates you'. Your sensitivity to the visual/communication of negativity by other people around you is caused by you feeling negative due to your depression.
Do you have days when you feel in a good mood? When you 'feel great', you tend to notice that others around you seem to be happy as well. You become more aware of the positive moods radiating from people that are feeling happier on that particular time of day.
There is the saying..."Smile and the world smiles with you".....There is the saying "Laugh and the world laughs with you".....Unfortunately. People seem to forget that when you are not in the mood to laugh and smile, people are not so keen to understand your unhappiness. Yes. Sometimes in life.....It can feel like nobody gives a f***!!!
You say that you feel fat and ugly. This does seem to be 'part and parcel' of the depressive situation. There are times when you look at yourself negatively in the mirror and see the 'fat and ugly' person staring back at you. This will make you feel depressed about your appearance and then lead on to more depressed thoughts/feeling throughout your day.
On the other hand, something else in your life will depress you. You will then - in turn - look in the mirror and see that 'fat and ugly' person. This time, the negativity would have been brought upon you from 'outside' events such as a negative comment about your appearance.
For a start. However depressed you may feel, try to look more deeply at yourself and find your positive points when you look in the mirror. Unfortunately, in todays social media oriented society which places a persons value on their exterior visual appearance, this can be difficult. It is re-training yourself to accept who you are and accepting your appearance. The gaining of inner confidence about your appearance will help reduce that depressive feeling about your visual self.
Some people can feel 'fat and ugly' even when they are not. Models and actresses can have this problem due to them being 'under the spotlight'. Many of us, these days are self -critical about our visual appearance. Sadly, criticism is also directed at those that do not visually 'fit the norm'. Many of us are insecure/unhappy about our appearance. Maybe some counselling/therapy may help you to look deeper into this issue.
You say you feel guilty? There can be many reasons in our lives for feeling guilty. Sometimes we need to ask ourselves the question.....'By doing this or doing that, are we denying someone else? Are we hurting someone else? Will somebody else have to suffer or pay the price for our actions?
You feel like a burden to your family and friends? In what way - you need to ask yourself - do you feel that you are a burden? When we are extremely depressed, we can assume that we are a burden. Again, this can be explored in counselling/therapy.
You feel that your friends don' t like you. You feel that your family don't like you. How close are you to your friends? Can you confide with one of these friends whom you genuinely trust? Can you confide with a member of your family?
There are helplines available. Support groups you could research into. Could you talk to your doctor/health care professional for some guidance regarding these feelings you are having?
You feel like you are annoying to your friends/family and you do use the word 'probably' when you say that they can't be bothered listening to you about your problems. You do say that 'you feel' like they can't be bothered. Maybe they are bothered but feel that they can't openly express it.
Agreed. Most people do want to just get on with their own lives and not have to deal with your issues. That is not your fault. It is people in general. Even in the most 'special' of friendships, it is often the case that when one member of the 'gang' is ill, the 'close friends' seem to disappear. This is the same when it comes to families. Yes....People are 'wrapped up' in their own affairs.....This is not because of you.....This is people in general......
You may need to seek extra help/support from someone who can help you to search deeper into why you feel this way. Professional counselling/therapy may help you in this area.
When people feel depressed, they can believe that they are a burden to their family and friends. People with any form of 'mental health' issues tend to find themselves feeling isolated because people do not genuinely understand their situation. Sadly, although unfortunate for you, the people close to you in you life will experience difficulty in understanding you when they detect that 'something is wrong'.
The problem with any condition that affects the mind is that no-one can 'actually see' what is wrong. When someone has a broken leg, we all see the crutch and plastercast around the leg. You see the patient hobbling and you happily open the door for him/her. You offer sympathy and then - of course - the patient recovers.
You see someone who is physically/mentally disabled, you are even more sympathetic due to their more permanent disability. The point is, we can see the effects of their condition and immediately understand and accommodate for their needs.
With mental health issues.....That's another story altogether.....OK, with physical health problems, people quickly find out 'who their friends really are'. Many friends will sever contact as soon as 'one of their number' is ill. With mental health issues, people will become frightened to socialise with you. This is not because of you. This is because the people close to you may not understand. Even your close family.
It is very common for a person with mental illness to experience the.....'Pull yourself together' approach. This is - unfortunately - the way people deal with this situation. People do genuinely feel frightened. They think mental illness is 'not an illness'....They think it is 'not a condition'.....They think that 'you should deal with it'.....No sympathy....
People don't see mental health problems/mental illness.
Your situation is affecting the relationship with your partner. There is the possibility that he is having difficulty accepting your problems because he may not understand. This is where you could benefit from some counselling/therapy and maybe your partner could become involved as well. This could help you both understand your condition and work through the different issues together.
Your constant arguing, getting agitated, getting angry, snapping at him, being 'unreasonable', irrational and believing he has done wrong/accusing him could be possible signs that you are not at peace with your mental health.
You now have a baby in your life but at the same time you live with your parents. This will certainly cause a strain on your relationship due to there being a 'crowded' situation in the apartment. There can be that argument......'While your under our roof......' .
There is a lot going on in your life here.....
For a start, try talking to your partner and explain how you are feeling. Your are feeling alone and depressed because you are likely to be spending the whole day at home. Or if you are working....Then it would be a 'bed and work' situation.... If your partner is out during the day and your parents are 'getting on ' with their own lives, you will find yourself with only the baby for company.
This can lead you to feeling frustrated and alone with your thoughts. Even if you are all together during the day, there can still be that frustration of being with the same company all day and getting 'under each others feet'.
Can you and the baby join some form of daytime parent/toddler club? This may help you and the baby socialise with a group. Baby will have other babies/toddlers to play with in a 'supervised' environment and you will be able to socialise with other parents who may be in 'the same boat' as you.
Feeling fat, ugly, guilty and thinking everyone hates you are part and parcel of your situation regarding your mental health. You may feel insecure about yourself and your ability to cope with everyday life. This can be dealt with by seeking help from a counsellor who can connect with you and understand how you really feel. Maybe there could be help available at one of these parent/toddler groups.
Rather than worry about being a burden on your family and friends, focus attention on your relationship and child. As time goes on, you will likely find out who genuinely wants to listen to you and understand your situation. Counselling/therapy sessions will help you to communicate with your friends/family regarding your issues and help you to encourage their understanding.
Your partner and you do need to work as a team on this. Could he come with you to counselling sessions? Your partner's understanding will be of great value and this is an area of priority for you both.
Living together within the confines of a small space will cause you both to get irritable with each other. There is also your young child, who will be demanding your attention. You will understandably find yourself becoming 'snappy' at times with him. There will understandably be conflict with your parents on this. Two's company, four or five people living in a small apartment is a crowd!....
You are on a waiting list for housing. Having a child should give you some priority. Is there anyone you can speak to regarding this at the establishment that controls the housing list. You could seek advice in your local area regarding financial help - depending on your financial resources/employment situation. Is there a local agency/citizens advice centre in your area?
Could your parents 'baby-sit' for one night a week?....They may enjoy some quality time with the baby whilst you and your partner have a 'date-night'. You may both benefit from getting out of the 'mundane' household routine and have time together to relax and build positively on your relationship. This could give you both something to look forward to and help reduce the strain/frustration of feeling alone.
Loneliness/feeling alone/isolated is associated with being/living alone. However, a person can feel lonely in a 'crowded house'. 'Alone' and 'lonely' can be two different situations.
You certainly need to seek professional advice regarding you being 'stressed out', 'sad', 'wanting to die', 'to close your eyes and never wake up', 'wanting to cut yourself until the anger is gone' and 'being sick and tired of living'. By writing this on here, there is something deep down that is causing you to at least feel the need to make such statements.