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Feeling lost and alone

For sharing your experiences and feelings about mental illness
xoshannonxo
Posts: 3
Joined: Fri Jul 20, 2018 4:08 am

Feeling lost and alone

Postby xoshannonxo » Fri Jul 20, 2018 4:33 am

Just wanted to share my feelings here even if they don’t make sense and even if I do ramble on, I tend to do that anyway. I guess it’s just an outlet for all my overwhelming emotions. TRIGGER :- DO NOT read this if you are easily triggered.

So I’m just feeling really really low and depressed. I’m feeling fed up with life. I’m feeling alone. I’m feeling like no one understands me no matter how much I try. I feel like everyone hates me. I feel fat. I feel ugly. I feel guilty. I feel like I’m a burden to my family and friends. I don’t even feel as though my family or friends like me. I just feel like I’m annoying to them and I feel like they probably just can’t be bothered listening to my problems. They just want to get on with their own life and not have to deal with me. I’m feeling really frustrated with my relationship with my other half. I feel like we’re constantly arguing because I’m unwell at the moment so I’m easily agitated and angry right now and have been snapping at him a lot due to this and at the time I’m always so unreasonable, he’s usually did nothing wrong yet I’m that irrational that I truly believe he has did something wrong and I get so angry because I think I’m right and he tells me I’m not and I get so angry to the point where there isn’t any stopping me, im not calm enough to talk it through and neither of us knows what to do to fix it in that situation or to make things even the tiniest bit easier. I had a baby last December and we still live with my parents. Our previous flat was too small to raise a child so we had to move back in with my parents which is also causing a lot of strain because we want our own space and we know what it’s like to have our own flat so it’s frustrating to have to go back to staying with parents after that. I mean my son is 8 months old and there’s 3 of us staying in one room. He should have his own bedroom by now but due to staying at parents and being on a waiting list for housing doesn’t exactly give us much choice. At times I’ve been so stressed out and sad that I’ve just wanted to die. To close my eyes and to never wake up. Or sometimes when I’m angry I just want to cut myself until all the anger is gone. Im just sick and tired of living.

teamn
Posts: 459
Joined: Sun Nov 05, 2017 6:10 pm

Re: Feeling lost and alone

Postby teamn » Sun Jul 22, 2018 10:20 pm

I've felt exactly the same as you.. exactly the same..
Last year was HELL for me,
So I really feel your pain and frustration.

No one realised until late that I had post natal depression, and I still had it when my daughter was over a year old.

I lived with my daughter and my eldest (only son) at my dads, whom always put me down, I was dumped by my daughters father when I was 6 months pregnant and also got unfairly dismissed from work at six months pregnant, so had no money to private rent like I normally did, because homeless, was in waiting list with council,then had to go into emergency accommodation as my dad had enough basically..that was so horrible abd tipped me right back over the edge

Lived in one room (at dadsa and then at hostel), overcrowded with little bubba..cried most days, I had to get antidepressants abd also weekly counceling, so that I could just find myself again, my voice, rationalise things, build the self esteem and rebuild my confidence in myself as the circumstances I found my self in totally ruined me abd broke the person I once new.. but at sane time I had to be strong fir my daughter which was equally draining. Had to use food banks in more than one occasion, (actually may need one over the course of next couple weeks too actually).

Anyway, You'll notice I'm using past tense, and that's because the clinical post natal depression finally lifted, people listened to me, (not who I wanted or expected, but who I needed) and this made huge difference to how I handled my thoughts emotions etc, and then how I handled others.

Some people I took step back from (ie. parents n family') when I needed to as they began to take liberties with me, I realised, just because I was vulnerable, not physical liberties just not respecting me or my boundaries.msikmgme feel ten times worse.

I had to learn to respect myself and give myself what I needed each day, if what I need was to come on here and talk i did, if it was sleep I slept, if I had to take myself away for night to hotel I did, if I needed a walk I went, if I needed to do nothing I did nothing.

I hope this is helping in someways, I'm not trying to give advice just sharing a brief part of my experience and hopefully it will make you feeel less alone and less bizarre, (your reaction are normal, I hunk yiu may have postnatal depression ) - and also I really hope it encourages you to go to doctors and seek help, don't stop till you get it.

Get someone to take your needs seriously. And please don't harm yourself .

I almost did but as I spoke the virtual friends on here, the doctors, I even referred myself to children's services as no one was taking my cry fir help seriously. I began not to be prepared to Die Because I waited for others to start the ball in motion , I knew the only person that knew what I felt and would truly want to help me was ME, so I got the strength to scream and shout at the right doors until they opened.

All the best, try one of the things if you can, just suggestion not advice.STAY IN TOuch , IM NOT ON EVERYDAY, LITERALLY just spent over one hour trying to get little one to sleep, so some days I'm just knackered or just being with her, but I'll always be on like every other day.

I'll check this post again tosee if you replied Monday or Tuesday.

All the best

paulshipmansmith
Posts: 8
Joined: Sun Jun 24, 2018 11:26 am

Re: Feeling lost and alone

Postby paulshipmansmith » Wed Jul 25, 2018 11:40 pm

For a start, as you are feeling so depressed, you may easily find yourself feeling that everyone around you is being negative towards you. The depression will certainly make you 'feel alone' because the 'darkness' that is associated with it can have a 'shroud' effect upon you.
We often find ourselves feeling frustrated about the fact that other people do not understand how we feel. It can often be because other people are 'wrapped up' in their own problems and sadly, don't want to be burdened with other' s issues. It is a fault in our contemporary society, unfortunately.
The feeling that no-one understands you can be isolating. It is very difficult for all of us to express ourselves and be understood by others. This is not because you are at fault. Again this our modern society in general.
There is an element of depression that can make a person feel that everyone hates him/her. The 'bubble' of isolation creates a 'compounding' effect or further 'build-up' of the depression and this in turn can lead a depressed person to 'look outwards' at other people in a negative way. They don't see the other person smile but will immediately recognise and take serious note of a frown. A depressed person may not pay too much attention to people in a good mood but will become 'over-sensitive' to anyone that is in a bad mood.
It can be a common occurrence in your situation to feel that 'everyone hates you'. Your sensitivity to the visual/communication of negativity by other people around you is caused by you feeling negative due to your depression.
Do you have days when you feel in a good mood? When you 'feel great', you tend to notice that others around you seem to be happy as well. You become more aware of the positive moods radiating from people that are feeling happier on that particular time of day.
There is the saying..."Smile and the world smiles with you".....There is the saying "Laugh and the world laughs with you".....Unfortunately. People seem to forget that when you are not in the mood to laugh and smile, people are not so keen to understand your unhappiness. Yes. Sometimes in life.....It can feel like nobody gives a f***!!!
You say that you feel fat and ugly. This does seem to be 'part and parcel' of the depressive situation. There are times when you look at yourself negatively in the mirror and see the 'fat and ugly' person staring back at you. This will make you feel depressed about your appearance and then lead on to more depressed thoughts/feeling throughout your day.
On the other hand, something else in your life will depress you. You will then - in turn - look in the mirror and see that 'fat and ugly' person. This time, the negativity would have been brought upon you from 'outside' events such as a negative comment about your appearance.
For a start. However depressed you may feel, try to look more deeply at yourself and find your positive points when you look in the mirror. Unfortunately, in todays social media oriented society which places a persons value on their exterior visual appearance, this can be difficult. It is re-training yourself to accept who you are and accepting your appearance. The gaining of inner confidence about your appearance will help reduce that depressive feeling about your visual self.
Some people can feel 'fat and ugly' even when they are not. Models and actresses can have this problem due to them being 'under the spotlight'. Many of us, these days are self -critical about our visual appearance. Sadly, criticism is also directed at those that do not visually 'fit the norm'. Many of us are insecure/unhappy about our appearance. Maybe some counselling/therapy may help you to look deeper into this issue.
You say you feel guilty? There can be many reasons in our lives for feeling guilty. Sometimes we need to ask ourselves the question.....'By doing this or doing that, are we denying someone else? Are we hurting someone else? Will somebody else have to suffer or pay the price for our actions?
You feel like a burden to your family and friends? In what way - you need to ask yourself - do you feel that you are a burden? When we are extremely depressed, we can assume that we are a burden. Again, this can be explored in counselling/therapy.
You feel that your friends don' t like you. You feel that your family don't like you. How close are you to your friends? Can you confide with one of these friends whom you genuinely trust? Can you confide with a member of your family?
There are helplines available. Support groups you could research into. Could you talk to your doctor/health care professional for some guidance regarding these feelings you are having?
You feel like you are annoying to your friends/family and you do use the word 'probably' when you say that they can't be bothered listening to you about your problems. You do say that 'you feel' like they can't be bothered. Maybe they are bothered but feel that they can't openly express it.
Agreed. Most people do want to just get on with their own lives and not have to deal with your issues. That is not your fault. It is people in general. Even in the most 'special' of friendships, it is often the case that when one member of the 'gang' is ill, the 'close friends' seem to disappear. This is the same when it comes to families. Yes....People are 'wrapped up' in their own affairs.....This is not because of you.....This is people in general......
You may need to seek extra help/support from someone who can help you to search deeper into why you feel this way. Professional counselling/therapy may help you in this area.
When people feel depressed, they can believe that they are a burden to their family and friends. People with any form of 'mental health' issues tend to find themselves feeling isolated because people do not genuinely understand their situation. Sadly, although unfortunate for you, the people close to you in you life will experience difficulty in understanding you when they detect that 'something is wrong'.
The problem with any condition that affects the mind is that no-one can 'actually see' what is wrong. When someone has a broken leg, we all see the crutch and plastercast around the leg. You see the patient hobbling and you happily open the door for him/her. You offer sympathy and then - of course - the patient recovers.
You see someone who is physically/mentally disabled, you are even more sympathetic due to their more permanent disability. The point is, we can see the effects of their condition and immediately understand and accommodate for their needs.
With mental health issues.....That's another story altogether.....OK, with physical health problems, people quickly find out 'who their friends really are'. Many friends will sever contact as soon as 'one of their number' is ill. With mental health issues, people will become frightened to socialise with you. This is not because of you. This is because the people close to you may not understand. Even your close family.
It is very common for a person with mental illness to experience the.....'Pull yourself together' approach. This is - unfortunately - the way people deal with this situation. People do genuinely feel frightened. They think mental illness is 'not an illness'....They think it is 'not a condition'.....They think that 'you should deal with it'.....No sympathy....
People don't see mental health problems/mental illness.
Your situation is affecting the relationship with your partner. There is the possibility that he is having difficulty accepting your problems because he may not understand. This is where you could benefit from some counselling/therapy and maybe your partner could become involved as well. This could help you both understand your condition and work through the different issues together.
Your constant arguing, getting agitated, getting angry, snapping at him, being 'unreasonable', irrational and believing he has done wrong/accusing him could be possible signs that you are not at peace with your mental health.
You now have a baby in your life but at the same time you live with your parents. This will certainly cause a strain on your relationship due to there being a 'crowded' situation in the apartment. There can be that argument......'While your under our roof......' .
There is a lot going on in your life here.....
For a start, try talking to your partner and explain how you are feeling. Your are feeling alone and depressed because you are likely to be spending the whole day at home. Or if you are working....Then it would be a 'bed and work' situation.... If your partner is out during the day and your parents are 'getting on ' with their own lives, you will find yourself with only the baby for company.
This can lead you to feeling frustrated and alone with your thoughts. Even if you are all together during the day, there can still be that frustration of being with the same company all day and getting 'under each others feet'.
Can you and the baby join some form of daytime parent/toddler club? This may help you and the baby socialise with a group. Baby will have other babies/toddlers to play with in a 'supervised' environment and you will be able to socialise with other parents who may be in 'the same boat' as you.
Feeling fat, ugly, guilty and thinking everyone hates you are part and parcel of your situation regarding your mental health. You may feel insecure about yourself and your ability to cope with everyday life. This can be dealt with by seeking help from a counsellor who can connect with you and understand how you really feel. Maybe there could be help available at one of these parent/toddler groups.
Rather than worry about being a burden on your family and friends, focus attention on your relationship and child. As time goes on, you will likely find out who genuinely wants to listen to you and understand your situation. Counselling/therapy sessions will help you to communicate with your friends/family regarding your issues and help you to encourage their understanding.
Your partner and you do need to work as a team on this. Could he come with you to counselling sessions? Your partner's understanding will be of great value and this is an area of priority for you both.
Living together within the confines of a small space will cause you both to get irritable with each other. There is also your young child, who will be demanding your attention. You will understandably find yourself becoming 'snappy' at times with him. There will understandably be conflict with your parents on this. Two's company, four or five people living in a small apartment is a crowd!....
You are on a waiting list for housing. Having a child should give you some priority. Is there anyone you can speak to regarding this at the establishment that controls the housing list. You could seek advice in your local area regarding financial help - depending on your financial resources/employment situation. Is there a local agency/citizens advice centre in your area?
Could your parents 'baby-sit' for one night a week?....They may enjoy some quality time with the baby whilst you and your partner have a 'date-night'. You may both benefit from getting out of the 'mundane' household routine and have time together to relax and build positively on your relationship. This could give you both something to look forward to and help reduce the strain/frustration of feeling alone.
Loneliness/feeling alone/isolated is associated with being/living alone. However, a person can feel lonely in a 'crowded house'. 'Alone' and 'lonely' can be two different situations.
You certainly need to seek professional advice regarding you being 'stressed out', 'sad', 'wanting to die', 'to close your eyes and never wake up', 'wanting to cut yourself until the anger is gone' and 'being sick and tired of living'. By writing this on here, there is something deep down that is causing you to at least feel the need to make such statements.


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