Hi and welcome!
cragmcc wrote:I have been living with depression for years and always hidden it, my wife suffered from it about 10 years ago and I just didn't want her to think I was weak so I never really opened up about it.
You've done well managing to hide it for so long, but the hiding didn't help you in the long run. So sorry to hear that she left you. Do you think there's a chance she'd go mack to you if you became better?
I have already pushed all my friends and family away so I am sitting here on my own and I don't know where to turn.
You can't afford to do this, for not having them around to support you will only make you worse. The horrible thoughts sound very much like OCD (intrusive thoughts type) which is very common and easily cured with therapy. I know waht depression is like for I've had it on and off for most of my life, but nowadays I'm managing to keep it at a safe distance - most of the time.
Why have I lived like this for years? Why didn't I just say I am seriously ill, I need help, why have I driven her away?
That's the big question I can't answer. Maybe you just chose a bad coping strategy.
I just feel like I have nothing left now, so what's the point? Would anyone actually care if I wasn't here, I honestly don't think they would, apart from my old Dad who is nearly 80 I have no one to turn to, i am crying my heart out and all I am feeling is pain.
Try not to feel bad about yourself. Keep yourself busy and distracted as far as you can. Although you feel so bad at the moment, if you seek help (and you must insist on it!) you'll recover from this dark tunnel. Depression is the commonest mental illness, and recovery isn't at all difficult - as long as you get the right treatment.
Sorry no-one's replied sooner but posts are easy to miss here, and there aren't very many regulars about. x