Alone.

[andthistoomustpass]

Hi Fab Em!

I'm liking the 20 weeks of CBT and the Mindfulness course (8 weeks is the full course).
Sounds like you are finally getting the help you deserve.

Feel free to use my Jim Bowen therapy joke if you need to bond with any of the decrepit locals but in all honesty, it wasn't that good

Really glad you are taking everything slow and steady, hope you are not beating yourself up for doing that, for being human.

R-e-a-l-l-y s-l-o-w p-r-o-g-r-e-s-s with this. *not so much applause*

Hey! You have years of habits to break. Nothing is going to change overnight, any progress is worthy of mucho applause! *standing ovation*

So glad you enjoyed your spa day and that you are looking forward to the theatre.

I'm OK, I keep my thread updated about anything significant so I won't repeat here.

Best of luck with the volunteering tomorrow! I hope you keep remembering the hare and the tortoise and that slow and steady wins the race. Super EMployee is super lame because she sets you up for failure, do you think you can recognise the urge to become her without following through?
Either way, I'm sure everything will be fine!

Let me know how it goes!

xxx

[littleem]

Hey Fab ATTMP!

Yeah, it's good. I also feel waaaaaay less pressured now I only see the ED services twice a month. I don't feel interrogated or threatened, which is always a plus. Haha!

I'll let you know how the joke goes down, hehe! I'll let you know about tomorrow, too. Thanks for wishing me well.

Nah, I'm not beating myself up for it. It is what it is. Just taking each day and introducing things one step at a time. I'm also being conscious of introducing things that I actually want to do, rather than what I think I 'should' be doing or 'need' to be doing because it looks 'good' and 'successful'.

I'm aware of SuperEMployee. What a super EMbarrassment she is! I certainly plan on keeping my tortoise shell attached firmly to my back.

Ciao for now.

E-M-I-L-Y xxx

[littleem]

Little update!

Unfortunately, the self recovery centre offer certain therapies that clash with the teachings of my religion. Glad I found out but then my head has been beating me up that it's yet another thing I've failed at. So today has been a bit crappy. I've tried to keep occupied but my head is elsewhere.

So it's back to the drawing board. My head really beats me up about not working. Calls me lazy and a failure.
Can't wait for tomorrow to come to start over.

I feel like it's never bloody ending all of this. Nothing seems to click and work out and last. My mother pointed out that - whilst I haven't relapsed - I nor anyone else is challenging the anorexia. Truth is, I'm doing enough to stay out of hospital but I don't want to challenge the eating disorder. Plus I have an appointment at the clinic tomorrow which always influences my mood the day before.

I keep on trying so damn hard and there are a LOT of positives, but I'm still stuck.

[breatheinandout]

Hi Em,
Stay strong, it is a setback but they happen - you can accept it and still move forward - it is not YOU that is failing. In fact, realising that it wouldn't fit with your values shows how well you know yourself and who you are, what is important to you. Which I think is a strength

You will find something else - like you say, tomorrow is another day. And one step at a time - you never know what positive stuff could be round the corner. But hope the clinic appt goes ok tomorrow. Big hugs

[littleem]

Aww thanks Biao,

That was a lovely message.

You're right, set backs happen and it is best I found out beforehand. I think I just felt deflated because there have been so many similar setbacks before this.

Exactly, there are a few voluntary options around locally. I just need that little outlet. Staying positive!

Thanks, I'm sure tomorrow will be okay.

I hope everything is well with you.

Em xx

[andthistoomustpass]

Hi lovely Emily!

Sorry to hear how it worked out. I strongly agree with Biao. It is fantastic that you know your values and you are both willing and able to act in line with them. Well done you!

This opportunity was just one tiny thread in the tapestry of your life. Your desire to give to others is inspiring and you will find an outlet that accords with your values, that won't cause inner conflict. I think you made the right choice and I am ever more certain that you are a person I am very glad to know.

Being stuck is horrible. My image of myself is often that of being halfway up a mountain side, with rope, picks, etc not being able to move further up or willing to move down. That is not the truth. The truth is that there is a path just to the side, even if I can't see it right now, and I inch closer to it every week. You are moving closer too.

Sometimes it sounds to me like you are not willing to cut yourself any slack, your perfectionist drive leading to you bullying yourself for not achieving the impossible, TODAY! NOW!
(or maybe I'm just projecting )

Is it great that you are not challenging the anorexia? No but you are doing enough to get by. Considering that you are dealing with clinical depression and social disconnection too I don't think you are doing too badly. Even Superman only took on one arch enemy at a time.

Self compassion is hard but I hope you learn to think kindly of yourself wonderful Emily, even if just a little.
xxx

[deb1960]

Hi Em

I'm sorry the centre didn't work out. Not many people would put their beliefs first. It's a strange thing that when you do something that requires strength you actually don't benefit. That's been true all through history principles cost us so much. I admire you for your decision.

Our health problems are so very horrible. It's the awful anguish that of course does this. We are living day by day with it. Yet at some level it makes us so much better as a person. Despite that II'd much sooner be going through life not caring.I wish that none of us had to endure such trials.

Take care. You are so strong.
Deb x

[littleem]

Thanks everyone for your kind messages. They really do mean a lot. I wish I knew people like you in real life but I'm grateful to be able to chat with you lovely, supportive and encouraging folk on here!

I've had a tough day today. I was basically discharged from the eating disorder services. They haven't gone through with the referral to the inpatient hospital because I'm not in a place where I want to comply with the treatment plan. I can't help it. I'm just not in that place. So because I'm not 'sick enough' to be sectioned, they would send me home from the program. I was again told how expensive it would be for the NHS for me to go there and that it would be a wasted opportunity. I was relieved because I honestly couldn't bare to be in there but the ED services aren't offering me any support whatsoever in the community. It seems bizarre seen as my BMI is at 13 and my depression (though better) is still very difficult.

I spared my mother the knowledge of this. My weight will be monitored at the GP once a month. I will continue with CBT sessions but even last week when I met with her she asked me in the case of me not turning up for an appointment twice in a row, would that be an appropriate time to discharge me? Seemed bizarre that she was questioning discharge when we've only just met but perhaps that's just a generic question. I will see her every other week.

Whilst I'm relieved (or rather the anorexia is), I also feel a bit let down. I wish I had had the support all those months ago when I first sought help. I know my mother is getting frustrated that I'm not progressing. The services are absolute crap. I can't make people care about me so I would be fighting a losing battle with them. The truth is though, I've been left to my own devices. The services wouldn't give a shit if I started to deteriorate and that hurts if I'm honest. If it wasn't for the sertraline, I'd probably have a good cry. Haha!

I hope I find that side path ATTMP, I really do. I'm struggling for ways on how to meet people my age. I think I just live in the wrong place. I could become a bit more involved in the Church. The people are lovely even if they are almost four times my age, haha!

I could also go back to the homeless hostel just one morning a week. I don't want to mess that up and make a fool of myself but one morning is achievable I think! Haha! I know I need to be mentally strong for that. I'm also going to a volunteer day in two weeks in a local prison to help in the play area and visiting area, and I was recently asked if I wanted to help at a local care home by someone from Church who's the manager there. They run lots of different activities for the residents. Plus there's the Church youth club. So the little paths are appearing.

It's tough because the depression instantly says, 'What do you want to do that for?, 'That's a shit idea', 'That's pointless' and then if I go for it, it plagues me with 'everyone thinks you're a weirdo/loser/lonor/nobody/failure/bore/freak/failure/embarrassment/waste of space/lazy/useless and so on. After a while of doing it, my mind goes on to say 'Be careful not to show too much of yourself. Nobody will like you. Everybody will know you're a complete loser and will laugh at you. Then you'll feel worse. Leave.' Then finally if (more likely when) I leave, my mind finishes off with 'You're a failure. You shouldn't have quit. You're so lazy and pathetic. Now you have nothing going for you'. Win win situation, hey?

I bet a lot of people on the outside looking in would just think 'Get a grip and get over yourself', but having thoughts like these is damned difficult. It's like having a horrible little creature on your shoulder ruining all the fun and possibility of happiness.

You're all right about the centre. Thanks. It would only give my head another chance to torment me with guilt of even just being somewhere where something that contradicts my faith takes place.

I'm a bit scared. What if I get worse? I suppose it's all down to me now. There's no easy way out. I think I just need to accept I have these illnesses and take each day as it comes. I just feel so guilty about my parents. This isn't fair to them.

I'm trying to go easy on myself. I allowed myself I four hour deep sleep nap this morning after a full nights sleep. I was exhausted which shows me I was mentally drained. I crash when I'm mentally drained. I'm practicing self care. But progress is veeeeeery slow. I'm getting tired of it all.

Okay, that's my big massive post over. I hope it made actual sense. I have very sleepy eyes just now.

Deb, I wish none of us had to endure these struggles either. But yes, they do equip us with certain beneficial qualities - such as strength, resilience, courage, patience, empathy, a sense of humour.... You are also a very strong person. Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. It means a lot.

ATTMP, thank you also for your continued support and kindness. As always, you know I am grateful to you! Your encouragement really means a lot.

I hope you're all as well as you can be!

Thinking of you all. Take care everyone,

Em xxx

[Isap]

well done Em

Isap xx

[deb1960]

Hi Em

You say it's all down to you. Try to remember that although you have mental illness it is actually caused by your brain. I once told a psychiatrist that I wished it was phydical and she said, but it is, the chemicals in your brain are not correctly balanced. We all know that but we put that somewhere at the back. It should be at the forefront of all discussions on mental illness. Whilst we have to do what we can manage to help ourselves we can't tell our brain to sort itself out. I've started telling myself that I didn't cause it and I can't make it go (I might have said that already).

Btw II'm a catholic and I wander if you are one too. Don't say if you don't want to.

Take care
Deb x