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For sharing your experiences and feelings about mental illness
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Re: Alone.

Postby littleem » Tue Jan 02, 2018 10:54 am

Hi all! Thanks for reading.

Happy New Year!! How were the new year celebrations for everyone?

I had a lovely weekend with my brother and his beautiful little family. I won the award for Super Auntie with my little niece as I bought the messiest and most stickiest playdoh Christmas gift, discovered residual Advent calendar chocolates and created hysterical laughter just before bed time! Just before we left my little niece said to her parents, 'Ohh Auntie Emily's going home. That's really sad!' She's only two, bless her! They have a little nine month old boy, too. He is absolutely adorable so all in all we had a nice weekend.

I still struggled immensely with my low mood. The heavy emptiness feels unbearable sometimes and (I know this might sound sick) I've been praying that my body will just give up and that I'll die. I don't want to die. Rather, I long to be able to feel better.

I also slept a lot. It's a mixture of both physical and mental exhaustion with the desire to have some respite from feeling depressed. It's an escape for me but I play on the fact that I'm tired or just relaxed because it's Christmas time. My family are all nice about this, thankfully.

Yes, anorexia is horrible but for me personally the depression is MUCH MUCH MUCH worse. They fuel eachother. I know the root of my depression is feeling a failure and being rejected. There have been times when I have been depressed without an anorexia relapse because there was nothing that triggered anorexia alongside the depression. Twice, before I ever suffered with depression, anorexia alone was triggered. Depression came as an understandable side effect of anorexia but not to the extent that it is now and not as a stand alone mental illness. The triggers for anorexia are the same as depression - failure and rejection, but there is also something regarding food, weight, eating or health that accompanies it.

I know why I felt a failure and rejected this time around and I am over the experience, so surely I shouldn't feel depressed anymore? There's nothing stopping me going to India or doing whatever I want in life apart from not being well enough. I can't help but wonder if my low weight is what is causing my depression but I'm too petrified to gain weight because it makes me feel MORE depressed and I need to do everything to prevent that because I couldn't bare to possibly feel any worse than I do now! But then my depression prevents me from wanting to eat so it's a chicken and egg situation.

I comply (reluctantly) because I don't want to go to hospital and I can't bare to hurt my family. I'm not even trying to be anorexic anymore. I hate my body, I feel awful and I am constantly tormented by bad thoughts. I want out which is why I desperately hope I'll just die, which is stupid I know. Even thinking this thought is enough to cause depression and waking up alive makes me feel disappointed and deflated. It's no wonder I sleep to escape.

Give the hypnosis a bash though. Worth a shot, hey? Also highly recommend the neck massager. He's fab hahaha!

Wishing you all the very best for 2018.

Take care,

Em xxx

Posts: 511
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Alone.

Postby littleem » Wed Jan 03, 2018 11:12 am

Trying to start each day by emptying my head. Here goes.

Yesterday turned out pretty good. I went to the cinema for the first time in a few years (!!!) with my dad. I enjoyed the film more than him bless him, despite it being his choice. I felt 'normal' for a little while.

I started my day with some yoga stretches and some fresh air. It helped but I realised how weak my arms were!

Shared a bit with my sewer besties so that could have been the reason for the better mood. I've started today better so far though. No point in going backwards.

I chased up the CMHT and my care coordinator has now gone on the sick. So today the CBT therapist is calling me to see if she can meet me without the care coordinator. We spoke on the phone and she seemed really nice. Dietician appointment today. I am petrified of being weighed. I'm expecting to gain loads and will feel embarrassed and ashamed in front of her if I do. If I maintain, I can breathe a sigh of relief. If I lose I will feel better but nobody else will so then I will feel a bit rubbish. Win win situation, eh? Nhaaaaaat.

I talked about inpatient treatment with my mother yesterday. This is my idea of HELL ON EARTH!!!! But I think it might just be the only way I can tackle this. I'm bored in this state of maintenance. I want to move on with my life seen as anorexia won't finish me off. But I don't want to address the ED. I have some serious deep-rooted psychological issues that I'm left to deal with concerning this illness. I haven't had any support for two months since being discharged which is a bit mad really.

Confession! The job I left at the homeless hostel was food related. I was the kitchen supervisor. It was the only job going and I knew I wouldn't get a support worker job. I lied to everyone. I even lied on a forum to people I don't even know in person! I enjoyed the interaction with the clients so much but it's anorexia's obsession of feeding others and starving me. So no wonder it didn't last!

I don't want to go back on ESA. I WANT to work. I want to function. I just need to avoid catering. Anorexia controls me. Even at Christmas my mother noted that I bought everyone food related gifts. I felt so embarrassed because I didn't even realise I'd done this. Feeding others, I think, is my way of feeding myself.

So I applied for a call centre job, an admin post in the homeless sector and a book shop. I need to break this cycle around the jobs and just suck it up and DO SOMETHING!

Otherwise I may have to consider inpatient and beat this mental health crap once and for all. Avoiding inpatient treatment should be enough motivation for me to hold down a job somewhere and slurp some supplement drinks.

Mood is still flat. Not desperately flat but flat all the same.

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Re: Alone.

Postby andthistoomustpass » Wed Jan 03, 2018 2:21 pm

Hi Em! Happy new year!

So you lied... I bet even Mother Theresa told the odd porky, everyone else on earth certainly has :D
Really positive that you can tell the truth now. I've found that being open is the best way to fight shame. Tell the world everything or at least tell the therapist ;) (when therapy starts)

The mind is really interesting, especially the way we can come up with logical reasons for almost anything, including doing a job we know will be bad for us.

The food gift thing is interesting. Definitely something to bring up in the CBT. I am so convinced the therapy will help you.
Glad that you are moving that ahead.

Super rats. How about associating this with something worse than the drink? Say; 'Pouring the supplement drink down the TUBE of the sink.' But you are right, no point in looking back.

Glad you enjoyed the cinema.

Posts: 511
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Alone.

Postby littleem » Thu Jan 04, 2018 11:49 pm

Hey there!

Yeah, worse things than telling a little fib. I went to the hostel today and told the manager about the anorexia and kitchen work and she said for me to get in touch when I'm ready and she won't put me in the kitchen haha! So that was positive.

Spoke to the dietician yesterday about the prospect of inpatient. She replied that it would be very expensive for the NHS, that I wouldn't be a priority, that places are very limited, that I would actually need to be motivated to get well and that if I left I wouldn't get the chance of being an inpatient again. She said several times that I'm not a priority and that there are others more under weight than me who are more entrenched in the illness. True, but is it helpful to say that? Probably not. My BMI is 13.8 so not super mega awesome but I left feeling 'ah, I'm not thaaaat bad'. When I was under the care of the old trout, I was told I was at risk of collapsing.

I think being 'dead' warrants gaining support from ED services. Haha, I'm not being cynical. Promise! Inpatient would be hell on earth for me and the last place I would want to go so she has a point.

Meeting the CBT therapist tomorrow. Really pleased about this. Meeting the psychiatrist next week regarding my meds. Thinking of going back on the antipsychotic that helped me before with the anorexic thoughts as they're screaming at me lately. Plus I'll give another AD a bash.

How did your GP appointment go afterwards?

I've been feeling really unwell lately. Banging headaches, dizziness, nauseous and sleeping waaaaaay too much. My mother thinks it's psychosomatic and that I simply think something is wrong when it's not. Cheers. I'm sleeping, taking nutrition, resting, drinking water and taking painkillers and no shift so I wonder if it's stress. My 'doctor' mother thinks it could be decreasing the meds. It could well be.

Mood is still absolutely shit. I've been really angry and pissed off lately. It's a horrible feeling. Like I could bite the head off a nail! So much angry energy inside of me that I want to sprint it out or swear it out! No motivation to do anything, no pleasure from anything and when I go out I can't wait to get home even though I don't really want to go home. I've been crying more too. It's mostly pent up exasperation at the depression destroying me and putting my life on hold. At least I'm feeling though, right?

My cognition is pretty crap. I feel a bit foggy in the brain department.

Heck, I think I'm getting worse.

Hope things are feeling brighter your end.

Em xxx

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Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Alone.

Postby andthistoomustpass » Fri Jan 05, 2018 4:16 am

Hi Embelina Ermentrude!

she said for me to get in touch when I'm ready and she won't put me in the kitchen haha!
Wow, that’s really positive, well done for having an honest chat with her. I hope you give yourself some time before rushing back. You will need time and emotional reserves to really engage with the therapy.

places are very limited
I think being 'dead' warrants gaining support from ED services
It is such a shame that resources across the NHS are so restricted that, after dealing with the most urgent cases, there is so little to spare to put towards preventing the urgent issues from developing in the first place. A cynical person might suggest that under resourcing is desired by some as a way to devalue services provided and justify the continued privatisation by stealth of the NHS. Remind me, what is Jeremy Hunt rhyming slang for?

My BMI is 13.8 so not super mega awesome but I left feeling 'ah, I'm not thaaaat bad'.
You are that bad and you know it my friend. Still, not far from 14, could that be a near term target or will the illness not allow that sort of thing?

I also can’t resist saying what I am sure you already know, the brain requires nutrition and sleep, restricting one or both will lead to foggy cognition. I know that I’m foggy as hell at the moment due to lack of quality sleep.

Inpatient would be hell on earth for me
Do you feel it is necessary purely for health reasons or is there also a bit of a desire for self flagellation going on too?

Sorry to hear you are feeling so crap right now.
At least I'm feeling though, right?
Hell yeah! To feel is to live, to repress emotions is to prepare to breakdown or explode. A lesson I learned the hard way that helps me to embrace all my feelings, which then allows me to explore and accept them.

Sorry to hear you are getting worse. Maybe it is one of those things where feeling worse is a necessary step in getting better? Maybe a reaction to your attempts to get better?

Really glad you are seeing a therapist today. Good luck and I hope it goes well.

I’m okish. Sleep still a massive problem. Resorted to Redbull yesterday to see me through work after all of 3 hours disrupted sleep Wednesday. The Redbull has, of course, disrupted my sleep last night but a price which had to be paid. More caffine today to see me through to the weekend when I can cut it out again.

Have lost confidence in my GP. Have picked a new one just want to stop in, have a nosey and confirm they are taking new patients before switching and seeking medication. The medicaiton may or may not help for me but when you feel really crap then trying something, anything within reason, may make things better and is unlikely to make things worse.

Work is getting better. I stepped back and observed what was going on during a non-productive day before Christmas and have found additional counter measures to go with the excellent ‘What would Em do?’ thought which still helps loads.

After a period of hopelessness I have found hope in an ACT book I am ¼ of the way through. It clicks better with me than the first one I read and I believe that the point of view and techniques it promotes will really help me move on to the next plateau in my climb towards better mental health.
Difussion techniques are of ongoing importance in ensuring I ignore the discomfort and continue to read the book and engage in the practices it promotes.

The hope itself plus an understanding I have gained from the book is also helping me to treat myself better in terms of diet. Early days but looking good so far. The lack the feeling of an overfull stomach plus the fact that when it is not overful it is not pushing out against my abdominal muscles in the opposite direction to the stress which always pulls them tight means I have felt more energised and had much less muscle pain the last couple of days than is normally the case. This helps improve my mood which helps me keep eating right, which reduces muscle pain and also gives me more energy, which helps improve my mood, which… lovely feedback loop. :) Long may it continue. If I can keep it going until February I will have confidence it will stick, for long enough at least to reduce my BMI so that it is closer to 40 than 50.

Hope things are feeling brighter your end

My end is always bright because the sun shines out of it :D

Take care of yourself wonderful Em.

Posts: 511
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Re: Alone.

Postby littleem » Fri Jan 05, 2018 4:58 pm

Hello, hello!

Yes, Embellina Ermentrude. Mah real name.

Yeah, it was super positive about the job. I won't rush into things. You're right about needing the emotional reserves.

A BMI of 14 wouldn't destroy me, no. I rather not weigh at all if I'm honest. I hate being defined by a number. I didn't even know my BMI before the ED services came along.

I'm sleeping loads and taking in nutrition. The mood is crap regardless. Still holding out for that magic brain transplant.

I don't think an eating disorder place would be great for inpatient treatment, no. The whole focus of these places is food. I can't be assed with that right now and need to sort this depression of doom out first before I can even think of tucking in to, you know, actual meals and such.

I'm glad you're able to allow yourself to feel. Couldn't agree more that it's so important to express our difficult emotions.

Ah, I wish it was one of those things where I feel worse before better. I'm trying to fight it so hard.

The therapist was lovely and seemed really genuine. I realised just how much I needed to talk. I'm so full of anger. Like today, I caught my coat hood on a branch of a tree and swore AT the tree in response. Then when the old trout came up in the therapy session, I couldn't help myself but proper rip into her! I'm hurting a lot and became upset. I'm seeing her next week and we are going to look at thoughts.... Like the sheets you sent me!

Ah, I'm sorry the sleep is difficult for you just now. Did you try listening to a hypnosis for sleep or some relaxing music to help you drift off? You can find loads of variations easily online. Do you know what exactly is making it difficult for you to sleep? If so, it may therefore be able for you to address it and most importantly overcome it.

Less of the red bull and more of the camomile tea or Horlicks, hey? And get one of those neck massagers! So good and it may make you sleepy? Certainly makes me sleepy!

Well done for checking out the new GP. No use working with someone you don't have any confidence in. Good luck with the new meds.

I'm pleased to hear that work is improving and that you're feeling the benefits of eating better and taking care of yourself. I have absolutely every faith in you being able to continue this until February and beyond! Sounded a bit Buzz Lightyear that, but honestly I have loads of faith in you. It's awesome how committed you are to feeling better. I've thought that ever since we first started yapping on here! Really pleased the ACT book is helping, too. Lots of positives here, my friend. Keep going!

Thanks for giving me a little giggle with your closing remark!

Have a good weekend,

Embellina Ermentrude xxx

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Re: Alone.

Postby deb1960 » Sat Jan 06, 2018 6:39 pm

Hi Em

I've just read your thread. I hadn't realised you were so depressed. I'm really sorry to hear that. You poor soul. Depression is so absolutely horrible. It's normal to want to die when we have so much.mental anguish. I've found myself wanting to die in my sleep, lately. What we really want is to feel well and it's what you, me and everyone deserves.

I don't know how to advise you to lift your mood. Mental illness is such a hard condition to sort but with the right help you will get there.

I'll be praying for you.
Take care of yourself
Deb x

Posts: 511
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Alone.

Postby littleem » Sat Jan 06, 2018 7:44 pm

Hey Debs,

Thanks for your kind words and thanks for the prayers.

Yeah, it's absolute hell isn't it? Sorry to hear you feel that way before you go to sleep, too. Would it help to listen to some nice music or read before you go to sleep? I have been drifting off to hypnosis lately and it helps a lot.

Think I just need a change in meds. I know I shouldn't be self medicating but I decided to up the sertraline again and my physical side effects have subsided. I will stick with the 150mg as planned. Think I may need something ELSE alongside it, too. Can't wait to see the psychiatrist next week!

I've been trying by caring for myself with nice bath stuff I had for Christmas, keeping busy cleaning, watching TV for distraction etc. But it's tough.

The anorexic thoughts are really challenging. I'm finding it hard to keep on complying with the supplements and snacks. I feel I need to cleanse myself. I am complying though because of my mother but I do give myself the odd day or morning off! It wrecks havoc on my mood. And I have massive anxiety about being weighed so im going to tell the dietician I don't want to be weighed. I can't take the stress and should only weigh on my terms.

You take care too xxx

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Re: Alone.

Postby teamn » Sun Jan 07, 2018 10:23 am

just browsing through and not read all of yur posts, but just read a few, and sorry to her that your not coping to great right now, but at least you have appointment next week.

all I can say is I'm willimg you through the next week, be kind to yourself

Posts: 511
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Alone.

Postby littleem » Sun Jan 07, 2018 6:18 pm

Hey teamn,

Thanks for posting. Nice to hear from you. How are you doing?

I think I just have to go with the flow really. Take each day as it comes. Right now I'm focusing on what helps my mood and you're totally right that it's a positive that the MH help is now finally in place.

I hope you had a nice Christmas and wish you a happy new year.

Take care,

Em x

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