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SANE Support Forum


For sharing your experiences and feelings about mental illness
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Re: Alone.

Postby littleem » Thu Dec 28, 2017 12:39 am

Hey Amaya!

Happy Christmas!

How are you? How was your Christmas? I do hope you are well and enjoying the festive period!

Thanks for your encouraging post.

I have every faith in you being able to move forward with the CMHT. The fact that you want the support is the first step.
I really hope to start CBT in January after waiting a year haha! The depression is hurting.

Yeah, I needed to leave the job. Something part time, balanced and non food related will come along soon I'm sure.

Take care of yourself,

Em xxv

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Joined: Thu Dec 28, 2017 1:00 am

Re: Alone.

Postby missnat118 » Thu Dec 28, 2017 1:11 am

Hello I am a 30 year old girl who as well feels alone. I've suffered with depression and anxiety for around 10 years and still trying to figure out how I can become normal again. I've received cbt, counselling and even have tried a few different kinds of anti depressants. I now feel worse than I ever did. I tapered off Venlafaxine a month ago and I can honestly say this is the worst I've ever felt ever. I carry a tight chest quite often as a result of being anxious, I feel more angry and bitter than I've ever been and I'm so down and feel so alone. I'm married and I'm sure my husband just thinks if I stop drinking caffeine and exercise then all these problems will go away? He's makes me feel I'm to blame and have no reason to feel this way but I do. Any advice is appreciated thankyou

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Re: Alone.

Postby andthistoomustpass » Thu Dec 28, 2017 3:51 am

Hi MissNat and welcome.

Sorry to hear of your troubles. I've mainly logged in to give a brief answer to Em but I don't want your post to go unanswered. Anxiety and depression are horrible illnesses and it is tough for anyone who has not experienced a mental health issue to understand. Do you feel able to talk to your husband about how you think he sees this illness?

Joining a site like this is a good way to find people who do understand and this post is a welcome first step. I find typing out everything I'm going through here really helps. There is lots of excellent advice available in older posts from various members. Feel free to have a root around and add your own if you feel like it.

I put a lot of general advice here, fresh air and exercise are mentioned(!) among other things.
You may find that you are already aware of a lot of the stuff I mention.

There is also an excellent mindfulness thread here

You may find you get more responses by starting your own thread in the Newbies or Mutual Support rooms. More people will see it that way.

Take care and keep talking.

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Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Alone.

Postby andthistoomustpass » Thu Dec 28, 2017 4:13 am

Hi Em!

Thanks for sharing so much. Never waffle, always welcome!

As you might notice by the time of this post my sleep still ain't great :lol: I want to shut everything down and try to sleep now, I will reply further later. I wanted to reply to the following while it is top of mind;
Often, (or rather, nearly always!) I feel severely depressed for no actual reason at all. Nothing triggers the desperately low mood and empty sensation.
Does that suggest that it is something internal which is sustaining it and not external? I suspect you are right and that good quality CBT will be a great help in addressing this. I know you are self aware and committed enough to fully engage and benefit from the therapy.


Some teenagers are truly horrible. Before my time but I think that was half the idea of National Service to lock teenagers away somewhere until they stopped being arseholes. Battle Royale is another option for the more obnoxious brand too. Ever see that film? Sounds perfectly suited to the horrible people you met at college. For the sake of all those around them I hope they have grown out of that sort of behaviour. Most do.


I may have misunderstood Amaya's meaning and will be interested in her response. I am sure she won't mind her point of view being questioned in a reasonable manner any more than I would. If she does mind that's ok too, like you, she has enough credit with me to respond with a few choice four letter words if the mood takes her :D

Bye for now lovely Em.

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Re: Alone.

Postby littleem » Thu Dec 28, 2017 7:30 am

Hey MissNat! Welcome to the forum.

I'm so sorry to hear about your struggles. Please know that you most certainly are not alone in feeling these difficulties. Hopefully using this forum will help you to feel less isolated in your depression and anxiety. Do feel free to post your feelings and have a good rant if needs be. I find it really helps me to get things out of my head. People are here to listen, advise and support based on our own personal experiences.

Do you think there's a reason behind why the therapy didn't work for you? I ask this because I've had a lot of therapy in the past but have always been too ill with anorexia to fully want or be able to engage in it. Reluctance to engage and recover as well as the inability to connect with one psychologist and poor cognition due to lack of nutrition all acted as barriers preventing me from fully addressing and healing the 'stuff' in my head. Now I'm finally in a place where I'm gasping for some therapeutic input! Could any changes be made for you to be able to feel a benefit from therapy?

Please make an appointment with your GP concerning your anti depressant medication. I know it can be difficult finding the right type but I've been encouraged by other sufferers to be patient and persevere as it can take a while to find what works best for us personally.

Have you explored what triggers your anxiety and different ways to deal with it? I find massage, swimming, gentle stretching exercises, spending time at a s

Posts: 508
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Alone.

Postby littleem » Thu Dec 28, 2017 8:00 am

Oops! Tired eyes and thumbs! Accidentally pressed submit!

Spa, I was going to say! I find the sauna, steam room and Jacuzzi so relaxing. Hot baths and relaxing music help too as well as distraction techniques (I find something as simple as watching a new film or series can take my mind elsewhere and both art and writing help me express myself and feel calmer). Fresh air, beautiful scenery, scenic strolls and going out for a coffee also help too.

Likewise, have you explored the root of your anger and different ways of dealing with this, too? I ask this because just yesterday I discovered the reasons behind my anger towards my sister in law. It helped to verbalise this, to rant, to swear a touch too much and to cry out the hurt, sadness, inability to forgive, exasperation and the pain of difficult memories. Walking, exercise and fresh air can help me deal with anger and bitterness.

Have you tried explaining the reality of your feelings with your husband? You could write them down if it's easier and share information on depression and anxiety to help him understand. Do you think his inability to understand and empathise is due to him struggling to deal with seeing you hurting. I only ask this as my dad totally switches off if I ever say anything about mental health. I know he cares for me dearly but he's admitted that he feels totally helpless. My older brother also says of my anorexia, 'Can't you just have a McDonalds?' And has admitted he doesn't understand depression so he, like my father, avoids it. He'll wind me up but I know it's in jest and his technique of keeping my problems at arms length. Some men, like my dad and brother here, see themselves as 'fixers' so their inability to 'fix' my mental illness causes them to offer rather unhelpful and seemingly unhelpful advice.

Obviously, I don't know if this is like your situation but maybe some of what I've said might be worth exploring. Do you have any other family, friends and colleagues to talk to? You can always post here!

I hope some of this helps. Do take care of yourself and happy Christmas!

Love Em xxx

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Re: Alone.

Postby littleem » Thu Dec 28, 2017 1:29 pm


Lovely to hear from you! I hope you managed to get some sleep since your last post. Fancy trading some of my excessive sleeping for a spot of your insomnia?

I haven't seen the film, no. I do hope those ragamuffin teenagers have matured though.

The root cause of my mental health problems was external. I felt a failure and rejected due to unfortunate life events back when I was nine years old. The depression and anorexia continue to be triggered by situations where I feel I am at risk of failing and being rejected, e.g. Letting the SuperEMployee mask slip at work, as well as by external unkind comments made by others implying I am a failure and times when I have actually being rejected, e.g. The college experience and unpleasant relationships and friendships.

I am not experiencing unkindness, failure or rejection now so the depression is not being sustained presently by this external force. I feel I am in a good place to really engage in CBT therapy to challenge the residual lack of self-esteem and low self-confidence.

Another contributing factor is that I have constant and severe back pain due to osteoporosis. It hurts between my shoulder blades and all up my neck to the base of my skull. This gives me a headache which makes me want to sleep a LOT. Tiredness is my absolute weakness and it wrecks havoc on my mood. I use an electric back and neck massager (Christmas present to myself and best ever purchase!) daily and have started taking daily painkillers for the headaches and pain. When I go to the GP in January, I will ask advice on how to ease the back pain. Maybe there are gentle exercises or physio that could help. I'm taking all the calcium supplements I need to improve the bone density levels.

I also want to have a blood test for my sugar, thyroid and iron levels just in case there's some kind of underlying physical condition. I left hospital with no concerns over my blood results but it may be worth another little check? I also need to query the AD meds. They aren't seeming to have any benefit anymore and those around me have remarked about this, too. I'm considering acupuncture in the new year, too.

Whilst the physical discomfort influences the flat mood, it's not the sole cause.

What baffles me is that so very often I just wake up feeling nothing but a terrible ache of emptiness. I actually feel a bit drugged or duped. Not sad, just spaced and tired.

I look forward to hearing from you soon. Take care of yourself.

Em xxx

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Re: Alone.

Postby amaya » Fri Dec 29, 2017 8:25 pm

Xmas was good thanks for asking. Emotional rollercoaster with a happy destination :) By the end of xmas I didn't want it to end. I spent it with W and it made me feel warmth.

I really think 2018 is the year for sorting out things and getting better. I am gonna do it, so is W and it sounds like you are on a mission to do it too :)

There is always a complicated relationship between mental and physical health problems, even if that stand alone as health conditions they still have the power to affect each other. I think it is awesome you are going to get everything checked out.

Posts: 508
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Alone.

Postby littleem » Sat Dec 30, 2017 12:53 am

Really pleased you had a good Christmas. Well done for getting through the difficult emotions. I'm glad it ended positively for you, too!

I'm happy to hear that you and W are moving forward. You sound really positive and hopeful for 2018 and I admire your motivation to make it a better year. I have every faith in you being able to move forward.

I am determined for 2018 to be a better year, yes. I don't have any big expectations though. This depression can feel endless and I have to be realistic. I've struggled tonight for the first time in ages with those bad thoughts again. I want the pain and emptiness to end and I want to be happy again - to smile with true meaning and ease, to really laugh and to feel genuine joy, warmth and happiness. I want to feel alive again and not like a dead person flitting through the days and weeks and months. This time next year, I cannot be in the same place as I am now. I need to move forward.

My goals for 2018 to get better -

1. Finally find and persevere with the best Anti-Depressant and/or Natural tablets for my mind to alleviate the depression.
2. Really engage in CBT therapy to address and overcome depression, anxiety, low self esteem and low self confidence.
3. Explore new ways to aid depression recovery, e.g. Hypnosis/Relaxation, acupuncture, journaling and yoga/stretching.
4. Sustain a part time non-food related job for at least one month. (record for me!)
5. Prepare produce for another charity stall at Eastertime to fundraise for a good cause.
6. Get checked out physically and do more gentle exercise when I'm feeling stronger.
7. Take a short trip to Calcutta preferably for Easter as a time of pilgrimage and peace

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Re: Alone.

Postby andthistoomustpass » Sat Dec 30, 2017 2:23 pm

Hi Em!

MASSIVE HUGS in response to your posts.
This is another piece in my jigsaw of responses.

It is wonderful that you chose to give yourself a present. The neck massager sounds great! What's his name!? ;)

The osteoporosis and other things must be so painful and I am glad you are pursuing further diagnosis and help with the physical stuff as well as the mental stuff. I know it can be a very vulnerable feeling to pursue help but I was pleasantly surprised that when I was most open about that vulnerability with the CMHT was when they reacted by giving me the most help. Amaya mentioned more on this earlier and I can add nothing more to her excellent suggestions.

The anorexia must be so strange and difficult. I can relate to the edges of it. Compulsions, need for control, self esteem, fooling yourself, etc but that illness sounds in a category of its own and you have my deep admiration for coping as well as you do. I really wish there was some way of helping but short of a daily carpet bombing of the coastline with cheeseburgers and hoping one lands in your mouth...

Battle Royale featured a bunch of arsey teenagers being put on an island and forced to fight to the death by their teacher, only one could survive. Horrible idea but strangely satisfying for me to imagine your old college mates in that position.

Glad the mask stuff helped. I largely raised this in the hope that starting to think a little about this stuff now, without getting into dangerous waters yet, will help you make the most of your therapist provided CBT. It was when thinking about you that it occurred to me that our negative opinions of ourselves could also be described as a mask. That idea has helped me too. Helped me see it is as unrealistic and ridiculous as the masks I used to show other people.

The hypnosis sounds great if it is helping you to relax. You are the second person to recommend hypnotherapy to me. I may well give it a shot.

Your plans for 2018 sound great. You are worth every bit of effort you can muster and every bit of help you can find.

More jigsaw posts when more comes to mind.

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