Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

[c.j.]

I hope your councelling was good. My partner's councelling didn't seem to do much and even seemed to make things worse. She seems to be doing a lot better these days without it. Her mother was never really a mother and still isn't. Good luck with it though.

[andthistoomustpass]

Thanks C.J.

Each to their own. Glad your partner is doing better.

[andthistoomustpass]

29 July 2020

I don't know what I am feeling following my last counselling session. I know I've lost time this evening, for the first time in a very long time. Only a couple of hours but still disconcerting. Disassociation city. I know I feel the same strange relaxation I did immediately after the session. I think maybe I cut through some kind of emotional gordian knot. As usual, I will let things peculate through my subconscious and see what arises. Tough day and I am feeling utterly drained.

I've been doing a lot of heavy work on my MH recently and I am fraying. Part of me thinks it is a good idea to put my MH on the back burner for a while to recover, but another part of me is pointing to the definite positive progress and is cautious that I might be looking for an excuse to avoid further distressing work that I know I need to do.

A major consideration in this decision is that I have been addressing a serious and urgent physical health problem, but the MH work is so disruptive, I am no longer putting much work into physical health care.

My physical health must come first. I will give it until the end of this week. If I am still too disrupted to take care of my body while doing the heavy emotional work, then the MH stuff will have to wait.

When making this decision, I want to remember that it is a good opportunity to practice resilience. The ideal is to learn to deal with practical matters despite intense emotions.

[andthistoomustpass]

4 August 2020

So, since my last post, I have been engaging in self care. That was until today, counselling day. One day a week is affordable though. I will see how I behave for the rest of this week.

I've been struggling with the whole idea of self compassion for a while. I know it is key to making further progress.

Setting out the evidence, it is clear that I was severely emotionally abused, bullied and severely neglected (aside from having food, a bed and a roof and being taken to the doctor when absolutely necessary.) throughout my childhood. I was certainly physically abused and bullied at home over most of my early years and probably sexually abused for a period. I was also bullied in high school and in the local neighbourhood.

Counselling today clarified that I don't really accept the above emotionally. I still hear my mind make the same old excuses for my parents, siblings and peers. A part of me still puts all the responsibility on me.

Initially I ascribed this to my deliberate efforts to stamp out what, as a child, I saw as self pity. The emotions were just too debilitating and were also pointless, nobody cared. I have thought further this evening. I am remembering that I was always laughed at, humiliated and / or punished for showing I was upset, trying to stand up for myself or (when very young) for seeking help from my mother. My mother always had this reaction because she did not want to know. I was always told that whatever it was was my own fault. That fits the pattern of her avoiding a sense of responsibility by scapegoating someone, usually me.

It seems I have internalised and not yet addressed the scapegoat role I was given. I think it is essential to address this to enable self compassion and self protection.

I think this will be hard, requiring a lot of reflection and observation. I think progress will involve some very necessary but painful epithanies.

[andthistoomustpass]

Sunday 9 August

Been unsettled for a few days. I think it is because a book has knocked some thoughts loose. Reading cptsd from surviving to thriving. I went from dismissing the section on the four Fs to being stongly affected. Want to reread.

Monday 10 August

It is not my job to please other people.
It is not my job to manage other people's moods.

[andthistoomustpass]

I've made quicker progress on my 4 August post than I thought possible. It links in to when I did CBT in 2014 and identified that a core belief was that I am a burden on all those around me, that I am not good enough. That core belief finally shifted in counselling on Tuesday.

I now feel that I am good enough. I have intrinsic value just as I am! I feel angry that I was robbed of the first half of my life by being bullied and scapegoated out of developing a healthy sense of self.

I am embedding this new belief that I am good enough. The result of this is all the negative views of myself that all my relational thinking was based on are fading away. The inner critic has gone very quiet and I am learning to relate to others as an equal.

This change in point of view is HUGE for me and changes everything!

[ericph]

I now feel that I am good enough. I have intrinsic value just as I am!

That sounds like an amazing step forward.

I feel angry that I was robbed of the first half of my life

True justice rarely happens in life, and we can feel angry, but feeling angry often hurts us more than it hurts them. If you can let go of your anger, you will find a peace that surpasses all understanding, it will feel like a huge burden has been taken away. The person/s who angers you controls you, they keep you thinking about the past unhappy events. It is like you still give them permission to keep punishing you with these thoughts. Not only have they hurt your past, they also control your thoughts today. Anger can stop you being the kind and caring person you want to be.

Anger is like picking up a burning coal with the intention of throwing at the person who angers you, the person who gets burned the most is me. The longer you hold onto the burning coal of anger the hotter it becomes, it eats away inside.

You can never forget what happened in the past, but you can let go of your anger. Our anger is a choice, and there are alternative choices to anger. Life is like going across monkey bars in a kids playground. First you have to jump up and hold onto the bars, but in order to move forwards, you have to keep letting go of the past.

Just saying, I forgive you in your own mind can be the start of a journey towards recovery. You may not have the feeling of forgiveness at the start, but the more you strive towards letting go of past hurts, the easier it will become. They do not have to say sorry, this is purely for your own peace of mind and you can become the kind and caring person you want to be.

Feel free to ignore if this is not for you.

This change in point of view is HUGE for me and changes everything!

Our minds are a powerful tool like a chain saw. You have to be in control when you start the saw, you have to guide it and make it do what you want it to do. Likewise with the mind.

Take care.

[andthistoomustpass]

Hi Eric

Thanks for replying but I disagree with almost everything you have said. What suits you doesn't suit me.

Anger can be a good thing, something to be nurtured. The whole forgiveness thing may well suit some people, often I suspect people strive to forgive because of religious and societal expectations, repressing their anger and denying the importance of their own feelings. Repression is rarely a good thing. Some people may have a zen like mastery of emotion, and are beyond such things, in that case anger is redundant anyway.

Our minds are a powerful tool like a chain saw. You have to be in control when you start the saw, you have to guide it and make it do what you want it to do. Likewise with the mind.

Faux-profound claptrap.

[ericph]

I did say at the bottom of my reply to ignore this if it is not for you.

I hope you are able to find peace with all your thoughts.

Take care
Eric

[andthistoomustpass]

I did say at the bottom of my reply to ignore this if it is not for you.

I hope you are able to find peace with all your thoughts.

Take care
Eric

I wish you would stay off my diary thread.