Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

[andthistoomustpass]

Diary entry

I crashed yesterday. Too tired, too hungry. Continued with the self-care by having a nice walk for a few miles. I was utterly exhausted so I chose to eat some chicken to supplement the rabbit food I have been eating for the last 7 days. That led to eating somewhere North of 2,000 calories in the space of 10 minutes . That is kinda normal for me to eat at lunch when out, hence being severely obese. Not beating myself up about it. It is ok to slip occasionally and I am very glad I avoided alcohol.

I weighed myself and was disappointed but not particularly surprised to see that the last week of effort has only put my weight back to where it was a month ago. Still a reduction and I want to get back on the horse today. I am already feeling so much better because of my improving fitness and I want to lose weight for me.

Fell asleep when I got home, nightmares as usual. In these lockdown days they are more TV based than reality based but there was some stuff featuring work. Still stressed after the best part of two weeks away.

My mood since I woke up has been bleak, I want to die again , I'm so bored with that state of mind.

Still being an emotional yoyo. One day everything is groovy and the next I want to die. At least I am recognising my emotions and I know the dark days will pass quickly. I have started reading various materials on CPTSD and there is hope there. My biggest takeaway so far is the neurological impact of mindfulness and group activities. Group activities will have to wait but I want to get back in the habit of meditating, it has been years. I hope meditation will also help address the main problems I have at work, anxiety and lack of pause before action.

[andthistoomustpass]

Diary Entry

I've let the diet and exercise slide to some extent the last week. I want to get back on track. An interesting thing I learned is that an overfull stomach feels uncomfortable, heavy, and brings down my mood. I am in touch with my body and my feelings enough to recognise this!

I thought I was done with CBT techniques, aside from the standard maintenance of existing gains and watching for old thought patterns sneaking back. Getting more in touch with my emotions has led me to identify a deeper level of internal monologue, one that previously had just presented as unidentifiable dark and uncomfortable feelings. Turns out this underlying self loathing narrative prompts many of the remaining moods I label as depression and also feeds and reinforces my pessimism. Challenging them dissipates dark moods and is also creating room for optimism! I am also tuning in to a deeper self-motivation monologue. This is made up of bullying myself. Again, it is so ingrained that I couldn't identify it as any more than stress previously. I am experimenting with a more loving approach to self-motivation. Early days but hopeful signs that I am on the right track.

Today was my first real counselling session following lockdown. It wiped me out, I went home and slept for hours. It was a rough experience to get in touch with the emotions of teenage me, to put them into context and attempt self-comforting. It worked to an extent but I wasn't quite able to take the final step into self compassion. Still a very useful session and a big step forward. I will try again next week.

All in all, things are looking up. I have both hope and a way forward for the first time in a very long time .

[so sad]

Hi

Glad the counselling went OK and its amazing how you've started to notice the impact of the self-bullying narrative. Improvement indeed.

I wish I could get to that stage - I'm a nasty self-bully and I know I'm doing it and I know its the worse thing I can do for myself but I still do it.

Its good you're starting to feel more positive

[andthistoomustpass]

Thanks

The most important thing for me has been to learn to tolerate my feelings, that has created room to explore them. This diary goes back to 2016 and I had been working hard on my MH for years before that. It is a marathon, not a sprint. You will get there too.

[andthistoomustpass]

Today was my first real counselling session following lockdown. It wiped me out, I went home and slept for hours. It was a rough experience to get in touch with the emotions of teenage me, to put them into context and attempt self-comforting. It worked to an extent but I wasn't quite able to take the final step into self compassion. Still a very useful session and a big step forward. I will try again next week.

Wow! Getting in touch with the teenage me has brought up some memories and strong emotions this evening. Emotions I repressed long ago. I am trying to sit with them and experience them, analysis can wait. They will pass. Shame, self-reproach, the abandonment of ambition and self belief. The acceptance that I was and always would be inadequate, the belief that my life was all but over, constrained to the small world that I imagined was all that could be for an uneducated and unskilled loner. This is hard for me in my forties. Imagine how hard it was for teenage me, when I believed it to be true. No wonder I repressed.

[andthistoomustpass]

The problem with these emotion thingies is that once they start they often prompt others.

It is so painful and has been so hard to live with never having been loved, never having anyone to give my love to without penalty. It is even more painful to feel my belief that I never will have anything like that.

Life is hard right now. Too hard to risk falling down this well of emotion. I hope I can rekindle it in counselling tomorrow where it will be somewhat safer.

[so sad]

Hi

Hope counselling gives you some support and that it allows you to feel some of these emotions in a safe place.

xx

[andthistoomustpass]

Thanks So Sad.

The problem with these emotion thingies is that once they start they often prompt others.

It is so painful and has been so hard to live with never having been loved, never having anyone to give my love to without penalty. It is even more painful to feel my belief that I never will have anything like that.

Life is hard right now. Too hard to risk falling down this well of emotion. I hope I can rekindle it in counselling tomorrow where it will be somewhat safer.

It has been hard but good to sit with, and explore, these emotions. It is a vicious circle, the sense of never having been loved by my family leads me to believe I am not good enough and that no one could love me, therefore I am too scared to make myself vulnerable enough to try. Better not to do anything to make myself attractive, to pretend I am not interested, to protect myself against rejection and the faulty belief that anyone I allow myself to be vulnerable to will hurt and humiliate in response. What a childhood, to leave me with these lessons. Understanding doesn't make it hurt any less but at least I understand that part of the desire for love is a desire for a sense of acceptance.

[andthistoomustpass]

It has been hard but good to sit with, and explore, these emotions. It is a vicious circle, the sense of never having been loved by my family leads me to believe I am not good enough and that no one could love me, therefore I am too scared to make myself vulnerable enough to try. Better not to do anything to make myself attractive, to pretend I am not interested, to protect myself against rejection and the faulty belief that anyone I allow myself to be vulnerable to will hurt and humiliate in response. What a childhood, to leave me with these lessons. Understanding doesn't make it hurt any less but at least I understand that part of the desire for love is a desire for a sense of acceptance.

I suppose I have known the above for a long time. What is different now?

1. I have more emotional resilience.
2. I am able to sit with and explore the emotions, connect them to the thoughts, process them, accept them.
3. I have a much firmer sense of self and see myself and others in a better light than I ever did. There is room for hope, that hope provides the space to take action, to change my life. It will be tough but there is no other option but to make the attempt.

[andthistoomustpass]

Just had an F'ing intense counselling session. Intellectually, I know my mother was incapable of loving her children but emotionally, I am still asking why. Contacted that question of younger me and those emotions. Fk, that was a tough experience.