Not my shame, not my guilt. That was the thought I had when digesting my previous post, when I was just beginning to realise the following.
1. I am not responsible for my parents, not their feelings, not their lives. They were responsible for mine a long time ago. If they chose to neglect, bully or abuse then that is their shame, their guilt, not mine.
2. A lot of what I call depression is actually shame and guilt for being me. I now feel I am on the verge of actually dealing with my depression.
3. A lot of the shame I have carried my whole life is because I was taught that everything was my fault, that I was intrinsically bad, a burden to be around.
4. A lot of the guilt I have carried my whole life can be paraphrased as being guilty for not being a better parent to my mother. WTF!
5. The shame and guilt was pushed on to me via bullying so family members could feel better about themselves.
6. None of it was true, none of it is true. It is not and never was my shame or my guilt.
7. I deserved better from them then and it is ok to treat myself better now.