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Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

For sharing your experiences and feelings about mental illness
andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1690
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Sun Aug 25, 2019 10:10 pm

Was waiting in for a delivery all day yesterday, sleep problems left me too tired to do much of anything aside from Netflix, overslept today. Too long inside on my own, feeling it sap my mood. I have done a little cleaning and tidying, doesn't sound like much unless you know chronic depression but a real positive for me. Especially because I did it because I wanted too, for me. Not for others, not because I 'should'. Half the front room cleaner and tidier than it has been in a long time. Feels good. The rest of the front room can wait and that is okay. I want to finish setting up my home office so I can be more productive when I need to work from home but it is okay if I don't manage it. I am good enough as I am.

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1690
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Sun Sep 22, 2019 1:09 pm

Diary entry

Took a day off work a couple of weeks ago. I have never slept well and recently been relying on caffeine to get through each day. Caffeine is a good, quick impact, mitigatior but it makes the overall situation worse by making sleep harder and leaving me really tense after a few days use. Keeping up with both work and socialising has been a struggle. That day, I hit exhaustion. Got the essentials done by 8am then went back to sleep, still really sleepy now. Been better since because laying off the caffeine.

Been really struggling to go to work lately but I know it is good for me overall.
I'm learning to keep my focus away from those depression feelings. Monday morning I'll buckle my belt, shine my shoes and put best foot forward once more.

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1690
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Sun Sep 22, 2019 1:15 pm

Diary entry

A few weeks ago I realised the bulk of my difficulties in going to sleep are not anticipation anxiety but fear of the vulnerability of being asleep and defenseless. Been exploring that fear and it has been tough. Fear and anxiety are now much more present 24/7. It is necessary to continue exploring that fear to address my sleeping problems. It will be worth it.

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1690
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Sun Sep 22, 2019 1:19 pm

Diary entry

What do I want?

I want a relationship.
I want more friends.
I want more experiences
I want to be as healthy as I can be for as long as I can be.

I know what I need to do to improve my life, I know how to do it and I am capable of it but that fear of a different type of life, a different way of being, of being without the black dog, the vulnerability of wanting, leads to so much subconscious self sabotage

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1690
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Sun Oct 13, 2019 9:51 pm

My last diary entry was about what I want and self sabotage. This entry is about the inner emptiness that sucks the joy from me into a vacuum that can never be filled.

I have changed my life massively over the past 8 years. I have a good job, a home, I have made friends, I make new friends, I get involved in myriad activities. I had a great time doing stuff last night. I have massively increased my sense of self worth and massively reduced my fear of others.

So why am I still so fucking empty? Why is it all so pointless that I will get hammered or eat pizza to feel free for a night, even with a diseased liver, clogged arteries and a doctor telling me that stuff may kill me any day now. After all these years of work on my mental health, all those gains, why do I still need constant distraction, why am I so scared of being alone with my thoughts and feelings? Why is it still so hard to lay down and close my eyes at night, why does that make me feel so vulnerable and scared? Why do I still hate myself so much? Why am I still so terrified of whatever is hiding behind my eyes? I've changed my thoughts, I have changed my behaviours, I have learned to accept and process so many feelings. I have changed my life to an almost unrecognisable extent and I am so glad I have but underneath it all my mind is still Mordor and my heart is still hollow. I don't see it getting any better.


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