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Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

For sharing your experiences and feelings about mental illness
andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1690
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Tue Sep 19, 2017 9:33 pm

Hi all

Todays diary entry.

Still sitting with the fear, trying to apply mindfulness and ACT techniques to improve concentration. Scared about impact on work if I cannot maintain focus, I'm really falling behind. I'm scared that I will never learn to accept this fear, that I will continue avoiding life. I'm scared that I will live the last part of my life as alone as the first 2/3rds. I'm scared about my health and age related health too. I've had persistent pain when walking for a couple of months now, feels like maybe a bone has broken in my foot and isn't knitting. I will maybe find the oompff to go to the doctor someday soon.

I am continuing to try new things, meet people and trying to be open with people and although I am still very scared my social anxiety seems to be receding. I think this is in large part thanks to being open which seems to dissipate the shame and guilt I have carried for so long. I've also found myself ticking off items on my to-do list which I've been avoiding for many months. I don't want to focus on this improvement though, I don't want to think about it too much for fear of scaring it off, I'm just letting it be and continuing to try and establish a dialogue with the scared little boy inside.

I've brought a book on compassion which my therapist recommended before therapy finished and maybe I will find time to open it one day soon.

deb1960
Posts: 1840
Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2016 8:14 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby deb1960 » Wed Sep 20, 2017 7:09 am

Hi andthistoo

After 16 years I still can't accept fear. I can accept mental illness when it's very mild.

What I can accept is my inability to accept it. I'm not sure it's normal (albeit wonderful) to accept terrible anguish.

When we see people on TV who have been living in war zones for months they never say, well it's not nice but I can live with it.

Fear is horrible. This morning I've got fear of the fear.

This sounds silly but it helps me a little on semi awful days. I tell myself that I'm part of a huge community in the world who are suffering . We get through our days. We always will.

For me days of fear make me like a dog that's been abused. The kindest words do not take it away.

I really like your posts. Thank you

Deb x

littleem
Posts: 443
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby littleem » Wed Sep 20, 2017 10:15 pm

Hey.

Some real positives showing in your post. Well done you.

Well done for continuing to try out new things. Any more laughter yoga lately? Well done for keeping on meeting new people and opening up. I'm so pleased the social anxiety is receding. Keep at it as you're doing great!

Sorry to hear you're struggling at work. Try and pick out the positives and what you achieve at each day at work. Sometimes, just getting there and coping through the day if you're not in a great frame of mind can be a massive victory. Anything else is a bonus! I bet you'll surprise yourself with how well you're doing so please try and go easy on yourself. How did your exams go afterwards?

As you know, me and my kidneys ain't no health guru, but please do make an appointment with your GP about your health and your foot. They're there to help you remember and you deserve that help.

Well done for starting to get through that to-do list! I had some good advice from my CPN today. She said for every time we do something we don't really want to do (but that we should do!), we should then reward ourselves for doing it. She gave the example of going to work. Perhaps some days we don't want to go but we go to have money to do what we want to do. She gave me this advice to put into practice with regards to drinking supplement drinks so for every time I drink a stupid drink (that is actually good for my body), I then do something I like to do, such as paint, phone my auntie for a chat, have a hot bath, watch a movie... Whatever! Perhaps try this for every time you do something on that list?

Don't worry about opening the book until you feel ready to do so. Otherwise it might not seem that beneficial if your mind isn't really engaged in it. You're already really focused on your therapy. Your commitment to this still continues to impress me!

Looking forward to your next post.

You take care of yourself xxx

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1690
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Fri Sep 22, 2017 6:41 am

Hi Deb

You make a lot of sense. For me, accepting fear is the second step to processing it in a healthy manner. I believe that processing fear is the way to open the door to feeling hope.

I hope you are as well as you can be right now.

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1690
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Fri Sep 22, 2017 6:43 am

Hi Em!

As ever, thanks for the good advice and kind words.

deb1960
Posts: 1840
Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2016 8:14 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby deb1960 » Sat Sep 23, 2017 9:08 am

Hi andthistoo,

Obviously you've thought a lot on the aspect of processing fear. Have you discussed it with a counsellor because if it's possible I'd like to work at that. Certainly it'd be easier from our position than someone in a war torn country.

I read through your posts and it's good to see that you've come a long way from where you started. What age were you when you first became ill? I was fortunate. Although there was clearly something wrong with my head I was 41 before I had a massive breakdown.

Thanks to Isap I stick with the meditation now and that helps a little. I find mindfulness very difficult but I have met people whose lives have been transformed by it. I still hold on to the hope that I will 'crack' the mindfulness trick or at least make good strides.

Hope your weekend goes well, Deb x

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1690
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Sat Sep 23, 2017 2:54 pm

Hi Deb

I process my emotions using a technique Isap would be very familiar with. Instead of fighting them, I let them be, let them dominate for a little while if necessary but also step back, observe and explore them with a sense of curiosity, kindness and compassion. Easier said than done and it was weeks of doing this with fear before I felt any changes. The important thing is, like with Mindfulness, not to focus on the goal, not to have a conscious goal at all, just to do it.

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1690
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Sat Sep 23, 2017 3:49 pm

Dear diary (hehehehe)

I'm still trying to sit with fear and I am feeling progress, it is not as strong as it was.
I'm also trying to integrate the scared little boy part of me. The part of me which is still so angry at myself for not being perfect. To communicate with and accept that part of me with understanding and compassion. I need to spend more time on this.

The proof is in the pudding though and I want to move away from so much introspection as soon as I can and focus more on ACTion but I don't want to jump the gun, I want to fully explore these thoughts and emotions first so as not to leave an underlying personality fracture for me to fall back into on a later date. That isn't perfectionism, I am doing a little of everything with my five prongs but I suspect that part of the urge to stop being introspective at this point is just 'pull yourself together' in another guise. I know from bitter experience that that isn't the answer. I have to bottom out my fear and self disgust and anger at myself if I am going to make long term gains.

I'm not great at self compassion or motivation. I'm hoping I will be referred to a group therapy on compassion but that is not looking likely. Motivation will be uncovered the more I shovel away at the fear and self hatred.

My work focus has improved somewhat, thanks Mindfulness. Still madly behind on everything but starting to make real progress on the backlog.

Not gone out yet or done any studying today but I put that down to tiredness. Didn't wake until an hour ago, making up for lack of sleep during the week. Being more or less caffeine free the last 10 months has really brought home to me how little sleep I get and how much I need. I can go to sleep it is wanting to go to sleep that is the problem. I want to be tough with myself now, set myself a bedtime and stick to it. I'll see how that goes.

I'm strong, intelligent, creative, good company and determined not to give up on myself or on life.

Thanks for reading. Take care all.

littleem
Posts: 443
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby littleem » Mon Sep 25, 2017 10:50 am

Loving the diary!

So pleased to hear you're feeling progress. You should be very proud of yourself! Great to see you focusing on your wonderful qualities, too! This is very positive. You can add 'brave' to the list as it takes real courage to look at our fears, to dig deep and to let things heal. Again, something else to be proud of yourself for!

Please go easy on yourself. Absolutely nobody ever anywhere is perfect or ever will be. Even the people who 'look' perfect or think they're perfect aren't perfect! So focus on all of that good in you and remember it's okay to have a crappy day or to sleep in and do nothing and not to get every single thing done on the list! It's not failure! It's humanity. Just take each day as it comes.

So pleased to hear things at work are getting better, too. Again, well done you! Again, don't worry that things don't seem as 'perfect' as you'd want them to be but focus on the positives. Take every small victory my friend and claim them as your own!

The compassion group sounds great. All the best with the referral for that.

Good job for giving up caffeine! That's not easy! Good luck with the bed time setting. Hope you get a good sleep soon.

Take care, keep going and stay strong! Onwards and upwards for this coming week.

Rooting for you as always!!

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1690
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Wed Sep 27, 2017 4:41 pm

Tkanks Em, really means so much to me. I've replied further on your thread.

Today's diary

The fear is much reduced or maybe I'm just beginning to accept it. Still anxious, sweating buckets in social situations but my coping strategies kick in after a minute or two so that is manageable. Stting with so much fear for so many weeks seems to be paying off. I externalised anger last night. That is massive for me. I usually turn all anger onto myself. Anger is the next emotion I want to nurture and explore whle keeping in touch with the other emotions. Struggling to focus at work but much improved. Sleep and minfulness are the answers to that.

Take care all.

Ooops! Forgot my positive statements that I genuinely believe. I'm intelligent, strong, determined, caring, good company and sometimes very brave.


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