Not made an entry in a while, partly because the meds are helping, partly just don't feel like it.
Not much change from last entry, still not making any real steps towards my targets to improve my mental and physical health. Pressures of work have been such that I have little energy left.
Having a few days off and the reduction in stress is amazing. Went out and met some new people today for the first time in a long while, enjoyed it. How much of a struggle it was to get myself to go shows that I need to maintain the habit of meeting new people to avoid the ridiculous fears from taking control.
Exposure to my fears is really important to me as is challenging distorted thinking and maintaining good mental hygiene through CBT techniques. I am being more open in general, much more myself. and I am still recognising and processing most emotions as they arise, although there is still significant work to do here I am so much happier and more stable since my last bout of therapy which focused on accepting emotion.
I think that no matter how much work I do, the best I can hope for by using the tools I have is to minimise the impact of my anxiety, no amount of distancing myself, exposure, logical thinking or emotional processing will take me below my baseline for anxiety.
What will carry me forward is to address my negative self evaluations of my own worth and ability and my negative evaluations of others as being threats. These are deeply embedded core beliefs from early childhood and are part of my personality. Major psychological surgery required
I'm not sure how to address these beliefs although there are options which I am looking into. Learning compassion and respect for myself and others seems to be the best option but actually doing stuff, putting myself at emotional risk is also important. I am continuing to take baby steps in that direction, such as being much more open and assertive with friends and risking rejection, and I feel better for it but more is needed.
I'm really feeling my age too and I am wondering how many more years of missed opportunities, of missed chances to end my loneliness, I will experience. Will there be enough life left to live? I don't know but trying something is better than trying nothing so I will put such thoughts to one side and crack on.