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Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

For sharing your experiences and feelings about mental illness
andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1690
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Thu Aug 31, 2017 12:23 am

Hi all

Another entry in my public diary.

Note to self: Stop using sleeping pills, they provoke a really rotten reaction.

Tried to develop some sort of sleeping pattern the last couple of days using Nytol.
No sure if it is the unnatural nature of drugged sleep or a reaction with the SSRI but each day after taking Nytol I've had severe anxiety. This has happened before but I had forgotten how strong the impact can be.

Other than that I am OKish. I have about 6 hrs worth of the David Burns book left to complete. After that I will work through Burns book on self esteem and continue with the mood diary for a further 4 weeks. I then intend to read The Myth of Self Esteem by Albert Ellis. My focus on cognitive work means I have neglected to nurture and explore emotions. I have also neglected mindfulness and ACT. I have however continued with exposure work and I have also been aware of damaging personality states.

Doing OK but a mixed bag. I want to remember that I need to take a five pronged approach to addressing my issues, a little bit of each technique, CBT, ACT, Mindfulness, Exposure along with focusing on recognising and exploring emotions in the moment in order to exit the damaging personality states.

It is a lot to take on alongside full time work and I want to be kind to myself and realistic about time but experience tells me that if I completely neglect any one of the prongs I will slip back. Recognising and exporing emotions is the priority right now, Mindfulness and ACT techniques will be limited to supporting this work. Exposure and CBT will take back seats but still be in the car.

Thanks for reading.

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1690
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Sun Sep 03, 2017 9:24 pm

Not been a great weekend.

Spent most of it glued to the sofa. This inactivity is not just procrastination. I know well what I am thinking, insulting myself and beating myself up, being my own bully. I've tried to switch focus to explore what I am feeling. I'm feeling scared. Not anxiety but low level, persistent, all pervasive, fear.

The fear of everything, that is the source of my immobility, why I don't do anything unless there is an external motivation. No doubt it is fed by my narrative of self disgust and negative predictions. My lack of belief in, compassion for, and esteem for myself and others and my focus on the worst possible outcome, my wish to cut to the chase, to give in because I see nothing but pain ahead. I know that this is a false vision, that there are many possibilities, but it is always the darkest one I choose to believe.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep but I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep.

I love that line of poetry but it is the wrong attitude, I don't want keep going because I believe I should, that is not enough. I want to want to live my life. To do that I need to see potential reward for actions, the reward of experiences both good and bad. I need to have hope for the future. To gain hope I need to challenge my negative narrative, to challenge my negative predictions, to see and believe in good possibilities as well as the worst. I need to take action in accordance with my values, not just once but for that to become my normal approach.

I saw a green shoot earlier this evening, I was able to step back from the paralysing fear, to see how silly it was. In that moment I saw so many possibilities, so many doors to different futures and the fear, negative narrative and predictions melted away. It didn't last long but it gives me hope. I want to find that feeling again and nurture it.

littleem
Posts: 443
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby littleem » Thu Sep 07, 2017 8:21 pm

Hey friend :)

Hope you're doing okay.

Try take each day as it comes. Don't be too hard on yourself. Sofa days aren't the worst thing in the world. If you need them, go with it. There'll be more good days than bad and each good day is a victory. :)

As always, I think you're doing FAB. :) In fact, I've never actually ('virtually') met anyone quite as committed to their therapy as you, so keep going! The five-pronged approach sounds fantastic.

Keep us posted.

Much love,

Em xxx

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1690
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Thu Sep 07, 2017 10:42 pm

Thank you my friend

Much love right back at ya!
xxx

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1690
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Sun Sep 10, 2017 1:38 am

Open diary

Not proud of myself at the moment. Being back at work after leave has been very challenging. Don't want to leave the house, adrenalin pumping when I finally get to work and all day there. Very difficult to focus and concentrate, work rate suffering accordingly and giving myself another excuse to beat myself up. I have slipped back into old habits, I have let my values slide, I'm overeating, procrastinating and avoiding the fear instead of allowing it to be there, accepting it and processing it. 1 pint each evening after work "to take the edge off" means I am sleepy and unmotivated throughout the evening too. It's not work related stress, although my job is stressful, it would be the same in any job for me. Work means interacting with other people and opening myself to judgment, both much bigger stressors than the content of the job.

I want to remember that I am in control of my actions, that I choose to go to work because it benefits me in a multitude of ways. I actually enjoy my job in many ways and I want to remember to mindfully and proportionately embrace the challenges as an opportunity for enjoyment and personal growth instead of going into a mental fetal position and allowing the fear into the driving seat of my life. That is an aspiration which I can work towards, it is a realistic goal which I can visualise which gives me hope and maybe the motivation to act in accordance with my values, needs and desires.

Thanks for reading.581
Last edited by andthistoomustpass on Sun Sep 10, 2017 9:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1690
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Sun Sep 10, 2017 9:23 pm

Very tired, very down, very sad, full of fear. Forced myself out to socialise a little each day this weekend which is an improvement over last but Ideation making itself at home and possibly settling in for the long haul. Future options are closing off in my mind. I believe that if I can learn to accept the fear, process it, options will open up again and life will become pleasurable and not so like climbing a mountain. The problem is that when I am feeling this low, I struggle to see that anything will make any difference, I only see the mountain and feel so tired of it all.

I'll hopefully feel better in the morning but right now I'm basically bleurgh.

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MyAnxiety
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Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby MyAnxiety » Sun Sep 10, 2017 10:14 pm

Hi andthistoomustpass

Sorry to hear you have had a challenging time. Hold on to that last thought you had:
I'll hopefully feel better in the morning
I have found it incredibly helpful to think that way; to accept that some days are very hard, but that often I do find I feel better and more able to cope the next day, my personal challenge is then to avoid going to bed during the bad day to 'cope' but waiting until 8/9pm and then going to bed, trying to read a little and then importantly getting a decent nights sleep. That sets me up with a good chance of tomorrow being a better day. :) :)

Best wishes

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1690
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Mon Sep 11, 2017 10:56 pm

Hi

Thanks for your response and the benefit of your experience. I wasn't feeling great this morning but I've really perked up now. Ideation? Rollocks to that!

deb1960
Posts: 1840
Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2016 8:14 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby deb1960 » Thu Sep 14, 2017 7:18 am

Hi ATTMP

I've been reading through your diary. Browsing tbh as I need to go out soon. I'll continue following it for interest sake and in the hope of helping my MH which had been behaving but just had to come out to play again.

Wishing you well,
Deb x

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1690
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Sat Sep 16, 2017 9:23 pm

Hi Deb. I'm sorry your MH has come back out to play. Don't worry about browsing on this thread. I don't expect anyone to read it all. Just glad of your response.

Today

Really full of fear, have been for a while. Maybe this means I am getting to the root of it all?
Trying to accept and process it but no go.

My 5 pronged approach has been bulldozed by work commitments and the wind down afterwards. I can make more time for getting better if I can relax more about work and not obsess. The wind down doesn't really help either. It's not really winding down, it is the same old habit where after work / socialising I lock myself in at home like a fox hiding from the hounds, not resting just taking a breath while still full of fear, doing anything to distract myself from my mind except anything constructive.

Doing constructive stuff is even more scary because it means I will have to leave my emotional foxhole and take more risks. Life is risk and I want to leave my safety zone but the little boy part of me is so very scared. I want to try to make friends with that part of me, let me know that there is nothing to be afraid of anymore, that I can come out of hiding but it's so tough. This is the part of me that means well and is warning me not to take risks, to stay alone and safe. Is this the same part of me that speaks with the words of my family, that tells me I am stupid, ugly, worthless, a burden, that everything I touch goes bad, that I will always fail and deserve to fail? That if I do happen to succeed at something it provokes jealousy and attack. Is my internal bully trying to protect me from catastrophic failures which, although unrealistic, I still believe will result from trying anything? I think it is. If you don't hope and keep no one close you have nothing to lose, nothing can be taken from you, no one can hurt you. Unfortunately a life without hope or pleasure is a life of depression and anxiety.

On the positive side, the fact that I have lived with this internal bully of mine for so long and I am still standing, building friendships and a career shows how strong I am. I really am a strong person.
I have changed so much, I know I can change further. I feel that if I can have a dialogue with the sad, scared and mistreated little boy I still carry inside me, give him a little TLC, a little hope, then I can improve a great deal further.

Recently I've found that some types of gentle exercise really do lift my mood. I want to try a little every morning, see how it goes. Doubt I will manage it but I will try. My actions are in my hands.

Thanks for reading.
ATTMP


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