Hi Deb. I'm sorry your MH has come back out to play. Don't worry about browsing on this thread. I don't expect anyone to read it all. Just glad of your response.
Really full of fear, have been for a while. Maybe this means I am getting to the root of it all?
Trying to accept and process it but no go.
My 5 pronged approach has been bulldozed by work commitments and the wind down afterwards. I can make more time for getting better if I can relax more about work and not obsess. The wind down doesn't really help either. It's not really winding down, it is the same old habit where after work / socialising I lock myself in at home like a fox hiding from the hounds, not resting just taking a breath while still full of fear, doing anything to distract myself from my mind except anything constructive.
Doing constructive stuff is even more scary because it means I will have to leave my emotional foxhole and take more risks. Life is risk and I want to leave my safety zone but the little boy part of me is so very scared. I want to try to make friends with that part of me, let me know that there is nothing to be afraid of anymore, that I can come out of hiding but it's so tough. This is the part of me that means well and is warning me not to take risks, to stay alone and safe. Is this the same part of me that speaks with the words of my family, that tells me I am stupid, ugly, worthless, a burden, that everything I touch goes bad, that I will always fail and deserve to fail? That if I do happen to succeed at something it provokes jealousy and attack. Is my internal bully trying to protect me from catastrophic failures which, although unrealistic, I still believe will result from trying anything? I think it is. If you don't hope and keep no one close you have nothing to lose, nothing can be taken from you, no one can hurt you. Unfortunately a life without hope or pleasure is a life of depression and anxiety.
On the positive side, the fact that I have lived with this internal bully of mine for so long and I am still standing, building friendships and a career shows how strong I am. I really am a strong person.
I have changed so much, I know I can change further. I feel that if I can have a dialogue with the sad, scared and mistreated little boy I still carry inside me, give him a little TLC, a little hope, then I can improve a great deal further.
Recently I've found that some types of gentle exercise really do lift my mood. I want to try a little every morning, see how it goes. Doubt I will manage it but I will try. My actions are in my hands.
Thanks for reading.