Today was my first real counselling session following lockdown. It wiped me out, I went home and slept for hours. It was a rough experience to get in touch with the emotions of teenage me, to put them into context and attempt self-comforting. It worked to an extent but I wasn't quite able to take the final step into self compassion. Still a very useful session and a big step forward. I will try again next week.
The problem with these emotion thingies is that once they start they often prompt others.
It is so painful and has been so hard to live with never having been loved, never having anyone to give my love to without penalty. It is even more painful to feel my belief that I never will have anything like that.
Life is hard right now. Too hard to risk falling down this well of emotion. I hope I can rekindle it in counselling tomorrow where it will be somewhat safer.
It has been hard but good to sit with, and explore, these emotions. It is a vicious circle, the sense of never having been loved by my family leads me to believe I am not good enough and that no one could love me, therefore I am too scared to make myself vulnerable enough to try. Better not to do anything to make myself attractive, to pretend I am not interested, to protect myself against rejection and the faulty belief that anyone I allow myself to be vulnerable to will hurt and humiliate in response. What a childhood, to leave me with these lessons. Understanding doesn't make it hurt any less but at least I understand that part of the desire for love is a desire for a sense of acceptance.
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