Hmmm,,, This is a tough one, the thoughts are only half formed too but it is important for me to both note it down and be open about it.
I really care for my friends but, particularly with female friends, I fall into an ultimately destructive behaviour pattern where I suppose I seek some form of co-dependency.
I suspect I only feel valued if I feel I am helping. That doesn't mean I am not seeking to help because I genuinely care, I do. It does not devalue the kindness, caring and regard I feel for that friend.
The trap is that I only feel accepted if I am providing that caring role, that I seek that caring role and have trouble feeling close to my female friends when they don't need TLC. I feel like I have been rejected because they don't need me in that way. I am scared to be me around them, I am only able to feel worthy by taking on the caring role.
It has improved massively in recent times, I am finally able to ask for care and consideration back. I am able to show more of me, in addition to the carer. I am also beginning to able to enjoy being with my female friends when they are feeling strong and capable, I am feeling accepted even though I am not needed. I am beginning to feel that my worth to them is not dependent on what I can do for them. It is early days and a long way to go before I have a more balanced approach to close female friends but I am on the right path.