Last night, I wanted to cut.
I haven't cut for 2.5 years.
But last night, following a horrible afternoon and evening (see my posts on the friends and family board), I wanted to numb the emotions. I have the DBT skills to 'ride the wave' but I didn't want to do that. I wanted the feelings to go away. I knew that cutting would do that.
I tried to phone the support line for my area (who have all my records) but couldn't get an answer. I tried several times but no response. I didn't want to call the Samaritans because I needed to discuss DBT and they wouldn't have had a clue unfortunately.
I got my first aid kit out in preparation. I probably have the best first aid kit outside an a&e department!
Then I encountered a problem. I no longer have nice little grip seal bags with pre-sterilised razor blades and Stanley knife blades. I no longer have any blades at all. The best I could do was a kitchen knife and that was really unsuitable. I wanted a thin, fairly deep cut that I could easily 'fix' myself. The kitchen knife would have made a wider, messier cut that would have required intervention at the hospital. I really didn't want that.
I stopped myself from cutting and returned to the damned DBT. I blew everlasting bubbles and filled my room with them. I used my essential oils. I put on some uplifting music. I curled up under a duvet with a teddy bear. I 'rode the wave' even though I really didn't want to.
You know, living with your emotions is so much harder than blocking them out even if blocking them out is so much more destructive.
Anyway, at least this morning I can still say 'I haven't cut for 2.5 years'.
When I feel I can't endure, I remind myself that my record for getting through bad days so far is 100%, and that's pretty good.