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The temptation to cut *TRIG*

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The temptation to cut *TRIG*

Postby vitafragilis » Wed Jul 08, 2015 8:00 am

Last night, I wanted to cut.

I haven't cut for 2.5 years.

But last night, following a horrible afternoon and evening (see my posts on the friends and family board), I wanted to numb the emotions. I have the DBT skills to 'ride the wave' but I didn't want to do that. I wanted the feelings to go away. I knew that cutting would do that.
I tried to phone the support line for my area (who have all my records) but couldn't get an answer. I tried several times but no response. I didn't want to call the Samaritans because I needed to discuss DBT and they wouldn't have had a clue unfortunately.
I got my first aid kit out in preparation. I probably have the best first aid kit outside an a&e department!
Then I encountered a problem. I no longer have nice little grip seal bags with pre-sterilised razor blades and Stanley knife blades. I no longer have any blades at all. The best I could do was a kitchen knife and that was really unsuitable. I wanted a thin, fairly deep cut that I could easily 'fix' myself. The kitchen knife would have made a wider, messier cut that would have required intervention at the hospital. I really didn't want that.

I stopped myself from cutting and returned to the damned DBT. I blew everlasting bubbles and filled my room with them. I used my essential oils. I put on some uplifting music. I curled up under a duvet with a teddy bear. I 'rode the wave' even though I really didn't want to.

You know, living with your emotions is so much harder than blocking them out even if blocking them out is so much more destructive.

Anyway, at least this morning I can still say 'I haven't cut for 2.5 years'.
When I feel I can't endure, I remind myself that my record for getting through bad days so far is 100%, and that's pretty good.

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Joined: Fri Mar 28, 2008 11:21 pm

Re: The temptation to cut

Postby PureFrustr8d » Wed Jul 08, 2015 12:14 pm

You should have wrote 'trigger' or 'trig' - I had no idea this post would be so detailed and now I'm feeling nauseous and panicky on account of reading it....

especially because you have got rid of the things that harm you which is what i am forced to do to control my obsessive suicidal thoughts in order to protect myself from myself

with regards to your other post, I too have BPD and have NEVER received any treatment other than talking to someone who just listens without advice! People need to take responsibility for their health. I bought the book 'mentalisation for borderline personality disorder' - that was me using my initiative not waiting for others... When I finally got someone who apparently could help me she was quoting the same book but hadn't even finished it...

Please edit your title.

I'm going to go in the shower to stop myself from crying.


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Re: The temptation to cut *TRIG*

Postby acorn » Wed Jul 08, 2015 7:50 pm

Hello vitafragalis

Thankyou for editing your title. It's good to warn people I case they are feeling vulnerable.

Well done on using your skills to get through. I know it's so difficult when the urges are strong but you have done really well to work through. It sounds like your skills worked for you. You need to remember this when the urge strikes again.
Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying "I will try again tomorrow"

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Joined: Fri Jul 10, 2015 5:56 pm

Re: The temptation to cut *TRIG*

Postby wendyinfp » Fri Jul 10, 2015 6:00 pm

Hi there,

Respect to you! I am so impressed at how you got through the night with such strong urges. I have also done dbt and really struggle to keep using the skills at times. You are an inspiration to me. :)

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