This is my first time posting on this forum and do not know how people will take to my story as I know the average person would be pretty disgusted, but I hope being on this forum you can all in some way relate as to why this has happened.
I was diagnosed with bipolar aged 15 (had a bad childhood some things happened that I do not want to go in to) my father also has bipolar (although his is controlled) I stopped going to the doctors as soon as they diagnosed me and refused help or meds insisting I was fine. My mum doesn't know anything about that doctors visits. On some occasions when I am acting strange she will ask if I need help or to talk to a doctor and I lie say I am fine (honestly, I am such a good actor) I will show my happiness (manic) side to the world even if I am in a depressive state, my depressive state will only ever show to others if I really want it too which is rare. Usually I just sit in my room and cry alone. I hate asking for help I feel so ashamed in it.
I am not a stupid girl, however this all may make me seem like I am the most stupid girl on earth. I never wanted my life to be like this, I am in state right now were I am reflecting on my whole situation and just thinking how much better my life could have been, comparing myself to my friends who I could have been like but this is what I have done to myself, I have messed everything up and to top it off there is no escape from it all.
Please try not to leave horrible or judgmental comments even if that's the way you feel, I already feel bad enough.
April last year I slept with someone who I was talking too, we wasn't in a relationship, just "seeing eachother" although it led to no where and stopped talking. I then slept with my ex partner (that I broke up with in January) In may, but it was just a one off. This ex partner was horrible to me, and thinking of him makes me want to be sick, it was the worst year of my life and what I think made my bipolar the worst its ever been. I used to come home from his house and just sit on my roof and cry because I wanted to end it with him. I found out I was pregnant in May and assumed it was the man I was just "seeing" (because I used protection with my ex) I was so happy (although I pretended I wasn't) I think a part of me was happy because I was craving love and I knew a baby would love me and I would love that baby.
So I told the man I was pregnant and he was un supportive to say the least told me to abort and said a lot of nasty things too me. I begged him to be in the child's life and he said no, I was afraid of being alone. I used to watch programmes whilst pregnant about dads and babies and it just made me cry that my baby would never have that. I had a scan at 15 weeks and wasn't as far along as I expected (should have been 19 weeks) so therefore it was my exes baby, and there was no way I was telling him.
I tried to fool myself in to thinking the baby was the other mans still and I convinced myself he was. I continued speaking to him and towards the end of the pregnancy (30 weeks ish) I was having second thoughts about having a child and decided to try and get the baby put in to adoption. He objected to this and said that he would take a dna and if the baby was his he would take custody. He had seen his senses and decided to step up.
The thing is I lived at home and was at university full time and NO ONE accept this man knew of my pregnancy, not even parents. I concealed it from everyone. at 32 weeks I was depressed, getting bigger, parent's getting suspicious, spending 90% of my time in my room or in a massive dressing gown hiding my bump. I made myself go in to premature labor (I don't want to explain how I did it, I regret it so so much I have even been suicidal over it, thankfully my son is fine and a little small for age but has no issues)
When I had him I had to tell my mum, she came to see me and was upset about it all and didn't want to listen about my adoption idea, she started crying saying I can't give him away and said she would look after him for me. The other man (who wasn't the dad, I know this because he is black and my son is white with blue eyes, same as my ex) kept asking to come and see him, literally begging me, because he wasn't the dad I refused, but obviously I didn't want to tell him he wasn't the dad because I thought he would be mad and to be honest I still had feelings for him.
After weeks and weeks of begging me to see him he stopped calling/texting and gave up. I contacted him several months later and he said he thought he was ready for a baby but now he realized he isn't ready and doesn't want to see the baby ever. By now I didn't really have feelings for him at all and just said ok and we left it there.
At this time I was looking after my son and my mum was helping me out with things but things where getting bad. He looked more and more like my ex (who still doesn't know and will never know) and I started to resent the baby for it and wish I had an abortion
it just feels like I do love him and I want him to be safe and happy, just out of my life.
The man contacted me again (unrelated to the baby) and we met up, we had a really good time and went out, spent a whole weekend with him talked about the baby etc and he said he would come down and see him (not his but couldn't tell him
) I met up with him again after that 2 weeks after. We had sex both occasions, second time I fell pregnant again (after telling him I was on the pill, the worst thing is I timed it so I knew the date I was ovulating, that's how far I went
) After that I started acting crazy towards him, accusing him of stuff and asking him where he was despite not even being in a relationship with him, going mad, crying on the phone etc (this put him off) and we argued and stopped talking.
He contacted me a two weeks ago and said his mum wants him to take a DNA test to see if the baby is his but if he is it wont change anything. I agreed (but I am not going too as I know he is not)
So I found out I was pregnant 10 weeks ago and I am now 14 weeks pregnant with the man that I thought I was pregnant with first time round, purposefully, and I don't know why or how I have got in to this situation, why would I do this, I am not normal. I do not even have any feelings for this man anymore, yes hes attractive and nice when he wants to be but I don't fancy him or have emotional feelings towards him. I feel I have just done this because I am still searching for that "love" that my other baby can't provide me (because of his dad) and I think I feel like I will be able too with this one.
The current situation is, no one knows I am pregnant (not even doctors this time round) he doesn't know either. I do not know what I am going to do. One of the reasons I did not abort first time round was because my bipolar causes horrible mental symptoms I was afraid an abortion would make me fixate on going to hell "seeing things" and hearing things, it would probably have drove me to killing myself. I am seriously considering moving uni's this year, leaving my son with my mum at home, transferring everything over to her with him legally, moving half way across the country and who knows whats next.
I am so depressed, I feel insane but when I am doing these things and at other times it feels normal, times like this I realize I am actually crazy. I see my son for around an hour a day, my mum has him all of the time, feeds him baths him dresses him etc, I cant stand to even hold him longer than 10 mins but other times I go downstairs just to see him, other times I will stay at a friends just so I am away from him. I am on summer break from uni so most of the day I just stay in my room, take a few dyhydrodeine (prescribed it for migraines) and sleep the day away and tell everyone that disturbs me that I am ill. I have never told anyone any of this, literally no one, I put on such an act and its tearing my to pieces I envy those not like me I just want to learn to be normal.
I didn't want a baby in the first place, I wanted to graduate, be a lawyer, get a career get married have kids, like all of my friends will. I am going to be 19 with two kids by two different men, one of whom I "can't stand" and don't see.
I have messed my entire life out and literally now I feel as though I am stuck and nothing will get better, this has ruined my life, I literally may as well die. I can't even love my son, what kind of person am I. Purposefully pregnant with a 6 month old son who I choose not to show love too or take care of. There's so many more feelings about stuff and sadness that I am not including in this because it will be too long but I am just crazy.