I am trying to stop thinking "warped" thoughts and be more positive in the face of anxiety and depression but this is how today has gone...
- Forced myself out of bed at 9am after the alarm snoozed 3 times.
Ate too much for breakfast.
Decided I would achieve something today so planned for a walk - this took far longer than necessary as I then felt the need to download maps of the local area, compare paths on google maps and Ordenance Survey footpaths before I decided where I was walking - which is the normal walk with a bit added in the middle to make it a loop so no maps really needed.
Faffed about trying to find everything I need, got stressed because I couldn't find things (waterproofs etc), got cross with the dog for whining in excitement.
Got really angry at my "stupidity" for losing things and for faffing about. Managed not to SH
Finally got out the door at 11:30
Tried to avoid talking to a man who lost his dog right outside my house
20 mins later found said dog and walked back home with it. Restarted walk.
THought people at the bus stop were watching me.
Tried to avoid giving directions to a woman who pulled her car over to ask me
Avoided talking to 2 dog owners
Thought I was being followed - it was the water bottle bumping up and down in the bag
Got scared by the flapping noise of a flock of crows taking off
Made it home and managed not to lose my temper as the dog shook all over the kitchen - mud everywhere
Sat here posting comments to others thinking "what a hypocrite I am"
THinking I am a fraud writing this and I should get up, stop being so damn wet and GET BACK TO WORK.
this is my daily, mundane struggle. I try to think better thoughts, but "know" deep down how utterly useless I actually am. What is the point? Even when I am working things aren't much better than this, I just mask it better. I'm going to post this before I just delete the whole damn thing. Looks like negative head is winning the battle.