I'm not sure I can be of much help, but I'll try. Your post resonates a lot of strength and courage (although you may not feel it at the moment).
Loved ones generally find it very hard to deal with suicidal thoughts/feelings and depression. It can be very draining to be around someone (my family and friends told me this) and it is important to have some down time. Have you tried speaking to your boyfriend about the situation?
Are you in treatment btw? Medication?
If you don't feel up to working, then it is probably too early to think about it. I'm afraid I don't have any experience with the benefits system. But I can understand how daunting it feels knowing how much effort it may be to get ESA. Would your boyfriend be able to support you?
Sorry, I feel my thoughts are a bit chaotic...
Activities are important although it can be very hard to find the energy. Try to set a small goal, that is achievable, so just one thing and if it's only 15 minutes. Trying to do too much never works out. Do you have an idea what you could do?
I've been where you are at the moment and I never know how I made it through, but I'm here and I did
. It is scary to think about what could have happened and I always feel very panicky, when I get past the point of being very suicidal. But it usually helps to make me work on getting better. But that is easier said than done. Don't give up now.
Take care! And feel free to write here. We're listening! x