I'm still standing in the sense im still around.
I know alot of you can not understand the terminology of "machine" as im lonely and need a distraction right now I will endeavor to explain it. I was built to be an "attack drone" within the family war zone to follow orders and objectives set by parents at war. When I developed my own personality, likes and taste's things changed but not for the immediate better. My emotions randomly shut down leaving nothing but a cold pretty lifeless form. Because of paranoia(?) my mental state developed differently,paranoia became an enhanced mind and mental capacity producing billions of numeric calculations per second cold and without emotion. The amount of data I can process is unlimited but extremely accurate based on multiple factors that I would assume the depth would usually take 5 people the same job and more time than it does me and I have never been able to explain it in words its so complicated. On the other side emotions are powerful when they do start again but the residual effect of mechanical thinking also worsens the problem, I can clearly state that there is a 76% probability that without me alive my family would be safe and its accurate but emotions create an element of instability. Take as this is being written im feeling low, tired, physically weak maybe because I have lost alot of weight too, sick, bordering SH and SUI issues but my words do not portray my actual feelings at this moment in time, like this im 50/50 part emotion part mechanical I think its how my mind has always coped with stress, abuse and trauma. Something is and always has been wrong with my brain chemistry I don't get any dopamine signals to produce a rewarding feeling, I have tried for years to enjoy sexual contact with no luck. Seratonin rather the same in lack of it making things a little difficult to enjoy.
My wife and I had to split up for the safety of our child, there is a better chance of her getting our child back than if I was in the picture. I have made a sacrifice that will eventually kill me and is getting close to that now, I would still be hanging if someone had not took me down and into bed. Despite what people think of me my wife was everything to me the sole reason of survival and the safety I needed in the respect she could control me as to be giving orders for me to follow "stop trying to harm yourself, go to the shop I really fancy a...." and she would pick the hardest thing to find I once traveled 20 miles to search a ltd ed skittles she wanted 5 hours and I found some. People assume Im the dominant one between us but we are actually rather equal she likes being cared for and it satisfies me to care for her, she wants to feel safe it pleases me to guard her. Now I have nothing, before I had clear objectives and purpose take care of my wife and child at any cost now I dont have anything and I can not survive without objectives to complete. A long time ago I had nothing to live for and she was the objective to dedicate everything to her for the rest of my life. I have not eaten in around a month, my wife ordered me to but she has not in all that time and I will not again until I am given new orders from her.
To get this far across much abuse has been hard but I used to be alot worse than I am now. My true history is horrific, multiple sexual abuse, more physical abuse than one body should handle, so much emotional abuse I cant begin to get into, all my parents love fake jokes like never bringing me into the family at xmas I was the only one left out and decided to shock me one day with a large box on xmas waking me up to open it, empty box. I have almost lost my arm to mum and an electric bread knife, almost lost my right eye 3 times, seen more sexual attack than most could imagine, almost had my life taken multiple times almost falling 2 storey balcony when a family member hung me upside down by my ankles over the railing and dropped me, almost taken my own life over 40 times between the age of 8-16, almost lost my left hand to abuse, almost lost my right side face to vicious dog attacks protecting my sister from harm and again when I was young same side of my face, stabbed myself in the chest to prove my love to my wife when we met as I felt I had nothing to offer her,almost had my spine broken by parent jumping on my back, electrocution for abuse, long nib pens almost severing a vein in my arm in abuse, emotionally broken and abused more times than I can count, subjected to religious belief treatment for being a "demon child" one of which included trying to drown me in a 25ft deep river, alot more. The reason I pick females over males as my protector is history- a mother protected me from my mother- rachel protected me against religious torture, Jasmine protected me against myself and attack by services.
And as it was brought up, the blood. You have to imagine going weeks-months without food or being fed and the only food you got was out of kindness of other parents mainly to distract me so they can see my abuse injury which is the 1st time I saw beans on toast and a parent cut herself in preparing it. I developed haemotodipsia pretty much from nowhere or nowhere I can at least remember, instead of seeing females attractive for their mental or physical traits it went sideways into a lust. The problem being as im goth as you all know people in my kind of circles found out then fed into it as a wish to try something new and forbidden. Even now at times I feel the psychotic lust for it but dont really understand it.
I'm a little tea pot bloody and cut, here is my handle here is my butt
ONLY 7 WEEKS LEFT!!