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PK *TRIG*

For sharing your experiences and feelings about mental illness
DC07
Posts: 1177
Joined: Thu Jun 21, 2012 3:28 pm

Re: PK

Postby DC07 » Tue Aug 20, 2013 11:34 pm

still here PK, will you please respond? xx
I'm not mad, I'm furious

DC07
Posts: 1177
Joined: Thu Jun 21, 2012 3:28 pm

Re: PK

Postby DC07 » Wed Aug 21, 2013 12:41 am

PK, still here for you x
I'm not mad, I'm furious

DC07
Posts: 1177
Joined: Thu Jun 21, 2012 3:28 pm

Re: PK

Postby DC07 » Wed Aug 21, 2013 6:24 pm

he's ok. Well, he's not but he's made it through and is chatting.
I'm not mad, I'm furious

painkillerv3
Posts: 1731
Joined: Sun Jun 17, 2012 10:01 am
Location: sitting on my throne among my subjects

Re: PK

Postby painkillerv3 » Thu Aug 22, 2013 4:34 am

I'm still standing in the sense im still around.
I know alot of you can not understand the terminology of "machine" as im lonely and need a distraction right now I will endeavor to explain it. I was built to be an "attack drone" within the family war zone to follow orders and objectives set by parents at war. When I developed my own personality, likes and taste's things changed but not for the immediate better. My emotions randomly shut down leaving nothing but a cold pretty lifeless form. Because of paranoia(?) my mental state developed differently,paranoia became an enhanced mind and mental capacity producing billions of numeric calculations per second cold and without emotion. The amount of data I can process is unlimited but extremely accurate based on multiple factors that I would assume the depth would usually take 5 people the same job and more time than it does me and I have never been able to explain it in words its so complicated. On the other side emotions are powerful when they do start again but the residual effect of mechanical thinking also worsens the problem, I can clearly state that there is a 76% probability that without me alive my family would be safe and its accurate but emotions create an element of instability. Take as this is being written im feeling low, tired, physically weak maybe because I have lost alot of weight too, sick, bordering SH and SUI issues but my words do not portray my actual feelings at this moment in time, like this im 50/50 part emotion part mechanical I think its how my mind has always coped with stress, abuse and trauma. Something is and always has been wrong with my brain chemistry I don't get any dopamine signals to produce a rewarding feeling, I have tried for years to enjoy sexual contact with no luck. Seratonin rather the same in lack of it making things a little difficult to enjoy.

My wife and I had to split up for the safety of our child, there is a better chance of her getting our child back than if I was in the picture. I have made a sacrifice that will eventually kill me and is getting close to that now, I would still be hanging if someone had not took me down and into bed. Despite what people think of me my wife was everything to me the sole reason of survival and the safety I needed in the respect she could control me as to be giving orders for me to follow "stop trying to harm yourself, go to the shop I really fancy a...." and she would pick the hardest thing to find I once traveled 20 miles to search a ltd ed skittles she wanted 5 hours and I found some. People assume Im the dominant one between us but we are actually rather equal she likes being cared for and it satisfies me to care for her, she wants to feel safe it pleases me to guard her. Now I have nothing, before I had clear objectives and purpose take care of my wife and child at any cost now I dont have anything and I can not survive without objectives to complete. A long time ago I had nothing to live for and she was the objective to dedicate everything to her for the rest of my life. I have not eaten in around a month, my wife ordered me to but she has not in all that time and I will not again until I am given new orders from her.

To get this far across much abuse has been hard but I used to be alot worse than I am now. My true history is horrific, multiple sexual abuse, more physical abuse than one body should handle, so much emotional abuse I cant begin to get into, all my parents love fake jokes like never bringing me into the family at xmas I was the only one left out and decided to shock me one day with a large box on xmas waking me up to open it, empty box. I have almost lost my arm to mum and an electric bread knife, almost lost my right eye 3 times, seen more sexual attack than most could imagine, almost had my life taken multiple times almost falling 2 storey balcony when a family member hung me upside down by my ankles over the railing and dropped me, almost taken my own life over 40 times between the age of 8-16, almost lost my left hand to abuse, almost lost my right side face to vicious dog attacks protecting my sister from harm and again when I was young same side of my face, stabbed myself in the chest to prove my love to my wife when we met as I felt I had nothing to offer her,almost had my spine broken by parent jumping on my back, electrocution for abuse, long nib pens almost severing a vein in my arm in abuse, emotionally broken and abused more times than I can count, subjected to religious belief treatment for being a "demon child" one of which included trying to drown me in a 25ft deep river, alot more. The reason I pick females over males as my protector is history- a mother protected me from my mother- rachel protected me against religious torture, Jasmine protected me against myself and attack by services.

And as it was brought up, the blood. You have to imagine going weeks-months without food or being fed and the only food you got was out of kindness of other parents mainly to distract me so they can see my abuse injury which is the 1st time I saw beans on toast and a parent cut herself in preparing it. I developed haemotodipsia pretty much from nowhere or nowhere I can at least remember, instead of seeing females attractive for their mental or physical traits it went sideways into a lust. The problem being as im goth as you all know people in my kind of circles found out then fed into it as a wish to try something new and forbidden. Even now at times I feel the psychotic lust for it but dont really understand it.
I'm a little tea pot bloody and cut, here is my handle here is my butt

ONLY 7 WEEKS LEFT!!

sad
Posts: 463
Joined: Tue Jun 18, 2013 9:26 pm

Re: PK

Postby sad » Thu Aug 22, 2013 11:02 am

Hey PK

If you are gonna be mechanical PK then I am going to be blunt

I can clearly state that there is a 76% probability that without me alive my family would be safe


That is utter bollocks mate!! My sister lost her father when she was a young child, and I would say that this has caused her as much trauma in her life than all the abuse we endured as children. Frankly, you even contemplating this is fucking selfish! That little girl and your wife both need you. Danni will be in just as much pain as you are now and is probably in a right state being away from you as well. You both are very close and the last thing she needs is to have to worry about your well being, much past worrying about her own. I know you have always doted on and loved your wife, and now is the time you need to be strong and healthy and supportive. She hasn't told you eat because she probably hasn't thought about anything but your daughter. This does not mean that you should destroy yourself because of it! You need to take it upon yourself to look after yourself and be everything she needs, so she doesn't have to worry about you too.

I know that this forum is somewhere for PK to vent all the protection created against the trauma, and this has no baring of on the kind, loving person that resides in you. Don't worry about other people not understanding you or thinking the mask you display is and refection on who you are. We spoke very intensely for that period, and I came to understand you through all of the talk of violence and blood letting. I am happy to talk to you and hear those things because I know that that is not what you are about, and if I thought for one second that you were abusive to your wife, I wouldn't speak to you! If other people think different, then fuck um-let them. You have more important things to worry about and should direct your posts at the people who care.

I know you have had a lifetime of trauma and this is no exception. Developing a thing like DID does not happen without trauma and being punished with more trauma is an awful thing. But you have to do what is best for your family if you want to be happy and make them happy. You deserve to be happy P more than I even think you realise. You are a good person and I want you to concentrate on that. I am always here to vent at and will keep coming back to see how you are. I learnt a lot from you by talking, and you really did help me-to that I am eternally grateful. My ear is here for you. Stay strong

thoughts are with you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

painkillerv3
Posts: 1731
Joined: Sun Jun 17, 2012 10:01 am
Location: sitting on my throne among my subjects

Re: PK

Postby painkillerv3 » Thu Aug 22, 2013 12:30 pm

I respect your opinion but selfishness is no part of it. I had to give up everything before the baby was born to ensure it would have a good life then I had to sacrifice my wife so that my daughter may survive with her family. I have not told the whole story but it comes down to proving my wife has left me and will not return to me how much further can I get away from her, whats best for my wife now. Look at my position I have nothing I have no wife to love and hug I cant be with her and I cant start a new relationship because I love my wife so much 3rd axis I can not live alone. My wife knows I will initiate the omega protocol as soon as her father picks up her things she knew it the moment we split I had to swear to her father I wont but that is now void as he is no longer my father in law. I know it seems selfish from the outside but i have a duty to my wife and child protect at all costs.

The truth about the violence is that im against violence but the abuse over the years have given me such a graphic sick mind along with intrusive thoughts and images, hallucinations it had to happen somewhere as it also does in picture drawings but you have to examine what you cant see immediately.

Im grateful I was able in some small way to help you but I can not see how. Dont let me drag you down with me
I'm a little tea pot bloody and cut, here is my handle here is my butt

ONLY 7 WEEKS LEFT!!

sad
Posts: 463
Joined: Tue Jun 18, 2013 9:26 pm

Re: PK *TRIG*

Postby sad » Thu Aug 22, 2013 1:10 pm

Hi

Your wife still loves you, I don't doubt that for a second. She just wants to get her child back. You are a lovely person and would make a wonderful father. She is just trying to get your daughter back and then will be in touch once she has settled. I don't believe she has actually left you for good, as you did nothing wrong. You have to wait and give it a chance for the sake of your daughter. Your little girl should have the chance to know her Daddy, like all children should. Please don't deprive her of that.

You did help. I talked more to you than anyone and it was the first time I felt I could trust anyone enough to tell them stuff. You were also very honest with the things that were wrong with you, which put me at ease when it came to my own problems.

I have a lot of respect and care for you, and want you to be happy. I can see past a lot of things with you and know you are worth my time. You have a lot of friends in this world and a reason to carry on. Things will work out for you in time-i'm sure of it. You are not alone, you have us all and we all care greatly for you.

I know that about the violence PK, I can see beyond it and I know why you talk the way you do. I have never questioned myself about my opinion of you being a good one and I understand you very well. I know why you come here as Pk the blood lust goth and have found you interesting. I also found it interesting to see how it made me feel to indulge in that and the triggers it brought up in me, and just how affected my own personality can be by somebody else. I learnt a lot from you at that time, and am very grateful.

And for the recorded, I was floored about two years ago and have been trying to get up ever since, to be honest it's nice to have some company down here lol

Take care and speak soon xxxxxxxxxxxxx

craziememe
Posts: 5638
Joined: Wed Oct 17, 2007 9:00 pm
Location: northwest england
Contact:

Re: PK *TRIG*

Postby craziememe » Thu Aug 22, 2013 10:04 pm

pk, I'm sorry I'm not around much. I am so sorry for what has happened to you. I can only send you my love and hope and pray you keep yourself safe. I will always support you. No matter what xx
Craziememe

painkillerv3
Posts: 1731
Joined: Sun Jun 17, 2012 10:01 am
Location: sitting on my throne among my subjects

Re: PK *TRIG*

Postby painkillerv3 » Fri Aug 23, 2013 12:50 am

I can never explain the love for my wife, I can never love anyone or anything like I love her and will never feel that love or strength again. I sacrificed all my life's pleasures in order to protect my child, I love them more than anything but it can never be again I know that and know there is no hope of trying to believe it will ever happen. There is no escape from loneliness now, I tried to get some sleep but I cant I cant sleep in that bed without her I cant bath in that bath we shared a bath the day we got married, I cant sit on the couch where we snuggled and watched dvd's together, my mind is a super computer a blessing and a curse. We had 137 anniversaries a year and 137 of those we had dates, candle dinner, picnics. Every event open held something precious to me, the first time she made me a cup of tea, the first time she cooked for me, the first time we hugged 137 various dates on the calender to celebrate our love. Men are meant to forget the anniversaries by nature but I can name the exact time of all 137 events in that day but my wife forgot all but one, every intimate moment accounted for in detail, the agony of our last intimate moment being I lay there in depression and her attempt to make me happy or smile at least. Im afraid to listen to music because it reminds me of her, at the moment I have pushed to listen but my trousers are wet and keep putting my cigarette out. Looking at the green straw in my glass reminds me of her and the odd conversation we had about rarity of the straw color. My dvd's she brought me the games she brought me everything reminds me of her, I miss her so much and if my music is on the fritz again and starts playing evenesence bring me to life im going to end up trying to hang myself again, previous pain of when she went on holiday for 2 weeks and I missed her and that song taunting me. Did you know my daughter was born to one of my guitar songs? I wrote it for her and it will be the last time she hear's it. That I will be having to spend my birthday alone, xmas alone.

I am glad that you found something in my ranting to you, its rare anyone even understands what it is im trying to say let alone learn a self lesson from it. I am glad you have been helped in some small way by me but im still not seeing it or you just need stronger meds.

It sounds completely stupid but the violence thats in my mind actually keeps me sane for the most part, take the woman at the bus stop that sexually abused me a short while ago. I cant get aggressive at all regardless of what people think but since she was abusing me if I had been thinking about it that would have driven me insane paralyzed to act but the thought of breaking her nose stopped it from taking a hold, I can remember the start and the end of the abuse but not the middle parts it is really a blessing and curse like most of my life is.

Being at the bottom is like hell, the road to hell is paved with good intentions its a true fact I think.
I'm a little tea pot bloody and cut, here is my handle here is my butt

ONLY 7 WEEKS LEFT!!

sad
Posts: 463
Joined: Tue Jun 18, 2013 9:26 pm

Re: PK *TRIG*

Postby sad » Fri Aug 23, 2013 2:26 am

I wish someone loved me like you love your wife. I promise you she has not left you.

I know this is about you, and I want you to keep talking to me and everyone that cares about you on here. It's important that you are helped through this. You are important to a lot of people, Danni and baby Shilo too-please believe that??

I will tell you how you helped me and why I am grateful to you. My sister has always said that if you feel you want to do something, then do it, because there is a reason behind it normally. When I first started talking to you it was becuase I had cracked a joke and started a conversation. I wondered why, but I wanted to carry on talking so I did.....

You were the first person that really listen to me, that didn't judge me or want to here a sob story to compare to your own. you were open a honest about your condition and although you hid behind all the crap, you gave enough of yourself away, so I understood you and new you were good.

In many ways I am like you PK. DID is an extreme version of me. My personality is fragmented-like yours. There is funny me, angry me, kind me, intelligent me and so on. I have linear thinking, but I am never the same. I disconnect from myself when I am in a difficult situation, and different me's take over. And generally the me, the real me, hides behind all this dressed up shit- a PK if you will. And if I could tie it all up and hand it over to the little insecure me to unravel and drive the ship for all the other me's I would be ok. But it's hard PK as you well know! How do you do it?? I don't fucking know either my friend. Cause if I new I could get my little girl back too. She resides in me-she is me, and I lost her because I couldn't look after her, and because I think about killing myself all the time, I don't focus on trying to get her back!

I don't mean to sound insensitive, and I am crying as I type this, for both me and you. I want you to be happy and stay strong and I truly believe if my happiness was connected to yours, I would try harder than I do. But yours is connected to a little girl who is external to you, so maybe it will be easier for you to find that strength to carry on. But I want you to know that you should never under-estimate the profound effects that YOU have on other human beings. And if I can find YOU in all the mess that is PK, then you should try and rely more and believe in you, and what a truly remarkable person you are.

You were meant to be in this world- and I want you to stay here-you are meant to

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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