Bp,I will deal with you first. We have never got along and what started that is unknown to me but I thought by now there would be a level of respect after so much time you assume (or assumed) I have no respect or you but its an assumption. Unlike what you would expect of me although you dont know me I would never use people's misfortune or dis-respecting the dead to get at someone and I could at any time. You have lost a loved one too and despite us not getting along I would have never used it against you, I know its hard losing someone close to you as you should also realize the loss.
Eli, I know you are not a 1st timer here and I have a pretty good Idea who you actually are or rather were on here. Before you make snap judgement you should actually get to know me properly, what you know of sane and me here is an illusion or rather a coping method away from other people and those close to me or around me. What you know is barely anything about me with all possible respect.
Me, It is true im said to have a very rare personality disorder "less than 1% of the worlds population has" so its told to me but is it true and can it be proved? no it cant. Although I may or may not have no one will ever know because of co-existing issues that level the playing field making it near impossible to diagnose within me and its taken professionals near on 5 years and im still too defended to diagnose as of the co- existing issues.
As for me being violent, its not true. Its a complicated issue, think of abuse in raw form then think about that memory repeating on you for all of time. Most people go to a happy place with a long green field, flowers, blue sky and a gentle breeze. I tried to block memories using that but it was too weak and fragile to maintain a hold over the memory. Memory of abuse is strong, stronger than any joy can repair so I equaled it out with a stronger violent implanted memory/ blocker memory and it worked all abuse resided inside a pandora's box in my mind. For example mem of sexual abuse is countered with a implant of then going back after the abuser and getting revenge, I never did do that but the mental block did its job and stopped the abuse memory from repeating. Do you begin to understand? I actually can not feel aggression or rage nor become violent which is why I have a reputation to protect me where I cant act. A couple of months ago I was sexually abused by some woman touching me in all the wrong places randomly in the street, I could not stop her because I have no violent outbursts so it went on but in my mind the coping strategy was i know i should grab her hand, headbutt her in the face and throw her into the street but its something I can never do in reality. The reputation protects me but sometimes people abuse me anyway, the reputation gave me a shot at life outside my home I could go out without the fear of abuse because people know me by that reputation and steer clear. There are tales around of me alike the boogeyman, that reputation also protects others I am in contact with from harm "i know pk personally" and they are safe in the respect people know the reputation of me being dangerous and unpredictable but in reality its not true but you can understand how it all works now?
Violence+sane, although im not violent, because of abuse my mind does have a dark impulse far worse than anyone can imagine that would make even the sickest person be sick. Online is away from loved ones a way to safely "vent" off when im in trouble with the darker side of things. Its recently been discovered after all this time that the venting is needing help with something completely different to what im talking about like saying something without saying it. You all know me as that violent venting and im sorry for that being your opinion but why are we all here? to get help and be safe with whatever is a problem at the time.
In reality im a caring person completely opposite to what you know of me here on sane with a very high trust issues thats why very few actually know me as me, if I dont trust you or you mess up even slightly im said to be very black and white in trust. In reality im a loving husband would have been a loving father unlike my parents were to me, Im a guitarist pretty well known, tarantula expert/ exotics expert. I cant explain it all to you but I got married last year learnt of pregnancy on xmas eve, until last night I had not even taken a bath since not because im disgusting but because I spent all the time waiting on my wife for her every need but even before pregnant I never took personal time I only recently sat outside and did nothing but look at the clouds 1st time in 8+ years. No one can actually understand me im too complex apparently but my priority has always been my family, the services claim I was threatening suicide but lack the understanding as to why I would go that far. Along time ago I lost my home, my nan dies and my partner unfaithful all at once I was destroyed and destroyed myself in the process. On failing to stay dead I sat in the same place for 3 days straight with nothing to live for until the 4th day. Decided I must have an objective and despite what happened my partner (now wife) was the objective and I have spent every moment of every day devoted 100% to her to do what needs to be done to protect her and then the child. It is my job and duty to protect them by any means if my life is that means then that is what I will do.
People assume I abuse my wife and then tell me im not working hard enough to keep her needs other than I did everything I could apart from pee for her. The message I got was you fail at your job so I worked harder, I stopped eating saving all the food for my wife and have had nothing to eat in a month even now she has left I continue to not eat, every need is taken from me and given to my wife because I failed or told im failing. I am a complex person but unlike anything anyone has ever come across before. It seems impossible not to eat for a month and still be near 100% yes? physically impossible by biology terms? this body has been conditioned to withstand alot of punishment as when I was young and unfed by parents sometimes up to a month and a half you get used to it. Its not to say I have not lost alot of weight and muscle as a result about 1.6 st est but its my duty as a painkiller to protect my wife my only goal and my child of course is now added and I will continue to do it at any cost.
You dont want to know the abuse of my life and I used to be seriously messed up, then I met my partner and all things changed after a while. I have to go will respond better later
I'm a little tea pot bloody and cut, here is my handle here is my butt
ONLY 7 WEEKS LEFT!!