Hi my name is Kyle.I introduced myself in the newbie section already so i won't bother again.I have suffered from mental health problems since about the age of 9, where i was diagnosed with depression.I had a rough childhood and my real father was an alcoholic and abusive.I was only 5 at the time and some of the things i witnessed really shocked me and made me feel sick.We left when i was 5(my mum,brother,sister and i) and we were forced to still see my father due to supervised visits being arranged.At school i was bullied a lot,i never really fitted in and i was really sensitive towards name calling etc.My father constantly appeared at my mums house and did creepy things like bugged the house,put glucose in her car exaust and such like.
Eventually he came out as transexual and went into the local newspaper to show he was proud (not thinking of the effect it would have on my siblings and i).I recieved even worse bullying and began to fantasize about hurting my dad.One day in a routine psychologist appointment (i had been reffered for misbehaving in class) i broke down when she asked me if i had been abused.So in front of my mum i lied.I lied my dad had abused me because i wanted him to suffer.Not long after my sister came out and said he had abused her which made me scared to say i was lying.I don't know what i was thinking and i cried so much during the whole charging process.In court i lied again to a full courtroom that he had touched me inappropriately.I couldn't look at him.He got locked away for 8 months and was beaten up,threatened and all sorts in there.He came out a shell of himself.I saw him three or four times,on a motorized scooter in a hospital robe, a blonde wig,smudged makeup,cuts down his arms and an expressionless and dead face.It drove me over the edge and i began obcessing over suicide.I began having horrible thoughts come in my head about rape and sexual abuse.
He was found dead in his house after cracking his head while drinking.He must have been so drunk he slipped.I never went to his funeral because i felt i didn't deserve to grieve and i wanted to keep up the lie.After that it was a long period of drug abuse,reckless behaviour,skipping high school,alienation from my peers,reckless relationships and unstable friendships.The one thing in my life i have done that was good is make my beautiful son.
I have been suffering from Obcessive thoughts,i sometimes think i have magic powers and can influence things,i switch from low moods to manic moods,i find it fairly easy to make friends but i find it hard to keep up friendships because i don't know what to do,i have bouts of almost catatonia where i go off into a different place and all other issues assopciated with bipolar.Just last week i had an argument with my dad and for no reason,i went almost insane and started headbutting brick walls and punching things.I ran away from my house and i was planning to throw myself in the canal.I spent the night in hospital but by morning i regained control again.I often find it hard to focus on things around me,i am fairly sadistic at times which makes me worry i have antisocial personality disorder.I have been awaiting psychotherapy for ages now and the lamotrigine i am on doesnt seem to do much except make me feel worse.
I am so near the edge of my sanity and i don't think i can keep going on much longer.If i lost Keaghan i know i would kill myself and if i tell anyone the truth they will take him away.
Last edited by kbo1992
on Thu Jun 28, 2012 7:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.