Dealing with the venom in my mind.(Trig)

[kbo1992]

Hi my name is Kyle.I introduced myself in the newbie section already so i won't bother again.I have suffered from mental health problems since about the age of 9, where i was diagnosed with depression.I had a rough childhood and my real father was an alcoholic and abusive.I was only 5 at the time and some of the things i witnessed really shocked me and made me feel sick.We left when i was 5(my mum,brother,sister and i) and we were forced to still see my father due to supervised visits being arranged.At school i was bullied a lot,i never really fitted in and i was really sensitive towards name calling etc.My father constantly appeared at my mums house and did creepy things like bugged the house,put glucose in her car exaust and such like.

Eventually he came out as transexual and went into the local newspaper to show he was proud (not thinking of the effect it would have on my siblings and i).I recieved even worse bullying and began to fantasize about hurting my dad.One day in a routine psychologist appointment (i had been reffered for misbehaving in class) i broke down when she asked me if i had been abused.So in front of my mum i lied.I lied my dad had abused me because i wanted him to suffer.Not long after my sister came out and said he had abused her which made me scared to say i was lying.I don't know what i was thinking and i cried so much during the whole charging process.In court i lied again to a full courtroom that he had touched me inappropriately.I couldn't look at him.He got locked away for 8 months and was beaten up,threatened and all sorts in there.He came out a shell of himself.I saw him three or four times,on a motorized scooter in a hospital robe, a blonde wig,smudged makeup,cuts down his arms and an expressionless and dead face.It drove me over the edge and i began obcessing over suicide.I began having horrible thoughts come in my head about rape and sexual abuse.

He was found dead in his house after cracking his head while drinking.He must have been so drunk he slipped.I never went to his funeral because i felt i didn't deserve to grieve and i wanted to keep up the lie.After that it was a long period of drug abuse,reckless behaviour,skipping high school,alienation from my peers,reckless relationships and unstable friendships.The one thing in my life i have done that was good is make my beautiful son.

I have been suffering from Obcessive thoughts,i sometimes think i have magic powers and can influence things,i switch from low moods to manic moods,i find it fairly easy to make friends but i find it hard to keep up friendships because i don't know what to do,i have bouts of almost catatonia where i go off into a different place and all other issues assopciated with bipolar.Just last week i had an argument with my dad and for no reason,i went almost insane and started headbutting brick walls and punching things.I ran away from my house and i was planning to throw myself in the canal.I spent the night in hospital but by morning i regained control again.I often find it hard to focus on things around me,i am fairly sadistic at times which makes me worry i have antisocial personality disorder.I have been awaiting psychotherapy for ages now and the lamotrigine i am on doesnt seem to do much except make me feel worse.

I am so near the edge of my sanity and i don't think i can keep going on much longer.If i lost Keaghan i know i would kill myself and if i tell anyone the truth they will take him away.

[stressed]

Hi, I just wanted to say hello..and I know it must be really tough..yes, you told a lie..but it's done now. I too have told a terrible lie in the past, i'm not pleased or proud about it. I have told no-one, no-one will benefit from me admitting I lied, in fact the truth will hurt.
99% of the time I would say that lying is wrong, and the lie I told was wrong.
But in my heart and head I really believe that very occasionally in stressfull times, when you need to survive and protect others..then maybe just maybe it is o.k.
I think you need to be strong and remember that he is dead, and buried. Choose not to let him carry on hurting you.
Don't let hate and anger destroy you, use all that energy to focus on a positive future for you and your son. Best Wishes.

[kbo1992]

I know that your right but there is so much more wrong with me.I feel so nasty and evil, so vile and undeserving of anything.I don't even know why i haven't killed myself yet.The urge is so strong that resisting it usually ends in me unleashing my pain on someone else (mentally).I have told my mum now that i lied about my dad and she was pretty okay with it but it hasn't helped.I have a choice between keeping custody of my son and suffering or telling a psychiatrist the truth and risking losing him to social work.I have never hurt him and i have a lot of support from my mum(so much support).His mum isn't capable of taking care of him and she has no support so i am all he has.I love him more than anything else in the world and he is the only person who genuinely makes me smile but i am not a good enough father to care for him.I am grouchy sometimes,i would never hit him but i have grabbed him roughly a couple of times and i hurt myself because i felt so horrible.

I knew having a kid was the worst thing i could do because i hurt everyone i come into contact with.I'm a horrible,fucked up monster.I'm having one of those nights where i feel like i can't cope and i don't know what to do too...

[stressed]

I can't see any reason why the social would take your son away from you, you obviously love your son very much...which is what is important. It's great that you have support from you mum, but it does sound like you could do with a bit help.

Don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it, it doesn't mean anyone is going to take your child away. It's not showing weakness, it's about being a good parent.
Perhaps you could go back and live with your mum for a bit, and sort out some more childcare. You need sound like you could do with a bit of a break.
You are doing a difficult job bringing up a child, with limited support..so it's not suprising you are getting stressed.
Do anything...even getting out the house, getting a bit of fresh air can help.
Just keep going o.k.

[jdxxx]

You're not a monster, a monster hurts other people and by the sounds of it the only person you're really hurting is yourself. You can't keep beating yourself up for the lie you told when you were a child, having a really rough time and struggling with mental illness at such a young age - and if he abused your sister then it wouldn't really have made a difference in the end anyway, would it?

You should tell your psychiatrist the truth though - no way will it mean you will lose your son - but you need to be honest with your doc or there's no point, they can't help you if they don't know what the problem really is. This lie and everything that resulted from it has clearly had a massive impact on your life - and I truly don't believe that you are evil, I think you've conditioned your brain to think you are and you lash out at people to protect yourself. I know when you're around this sort of stuff at a young age it warps your mind and makes you think you're the evil one but if you look from an outsiders point of view you'd see that you're not, you can't take responsibility for what happened in your childhood.

I really, really hope you find a way to make peace with this and I'm sure your psychiatrist would be the bast place to start, they would be able to set you on the right path of therapy that you need to let this go.

Stay strong X