Search

Support Forum

SANE Support Forum

Icarus *trig* (Explicit)

For sharing your experiences and feelings about mental illness
brachypelma
Posts: 718
Joined: Thu Dec 15, 2011 2:35 pm
Location: On a crusade

Icarus *trig* (Explicit)

Postby brachypelma » Fri May 25, 2012 7:10 pm

With all the positives lately, with all the good things happening to me I forgot there were bad things and flew too high to and got my wings clipped by the hot sun of bad things.
Only one thing means anything to me and with it had a self esteem from its glory but not anymore. My bike has a kinked back wheel, how I dont know but can no longer ride it at least for a while. Last week or about I tried very hard to make relationship moves with my partner, during which she said I am off putting during sex, last night said it again and there goes the esteem balloon again. I am back to feeling the need of sh again knew the good would not last long story of my life really.
Last edited by brachypelma on Fri May 25, 2012 11:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Time takes away the last few moments..

ulysses
Posts: 429
Joined: Sat Sep 10, 2011 9:39 pm

Re: Icarus *trig*

Postby ulysses » Fri May 25, 2012 10:41 pm

how's the kinky back wheel? sorry, i'm just trying to be humorous, but not very successfully, i fear. seriously, it sounds as though it might be expensive - and potentially dangerous.

like marmite says, your partner could be a bit more tactful. though i thought she was all up for it not so long ago? but what turns one partner off might turn another on. sex, like humour, is a very individual thing.

ulysses
xxx
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

brachypelma
Posts: 718
Joined: Thu Dec 15, 2011 2:35 pm
Location: On a crusade

Re: Icarus *trig* (Explicit)

Postby brachypelma » Sat May 26, 2012 12:20 am

Dont know how it happened, its dangerous if im depressed. Though not safe I still went bombing down a 60 with tight bends with nothing but a helmet and a long sleeve shirt on. The bike is my pride and joy and now its damaged it depresses me more than anything, took her to the river felt like jumping in, is it stupid to want to kill yourself just because your bike gets damaged? thats how I feel.

Subconsciously my partner likes to play mind games with me, I used to sleep alot because of depression she didnt like it got in a mood and told me she was going to tell her father I raped her for the spite of it. Though she is always asking and of late for adventurous outdoor stuff she also wanted to play out a fantasy involving a real feeling vagina adult toy, humiliating to say the least. i thought I was on the up/ getting better trying to rebuild my life and relationships I even have taken her to dinner a few times since the glory of passing my test something I had not done since the days after she cheated. Off putting by what definition does that mean? you have to wonder in paranoid thought. Close her eyes during fantasizing about someone else but seeing me is off putting, my brain being mentally checked out is off putting, the fact i cant touch her because of triggers is off putting? either way it still designates me as useless.
Time takes away the last few moments..

umbrella4therain
Posts: 2829
Joined: Tue Apr 22, 2008 1:48 pm

Re: Icarus *trig* (Explicit)

Postby umbrella4therain » Sat May 26, 2012 12:33 am

PK you are not useless. From things you have said in your posts it doesnt sound like your relationship with your partner is very healthy for either of you. It doesnt sound like the way you treat each other helps either of you. I know its hard when you have been together for a long time.
I am sorry to hear you are feeling depressed. I really hope you can keep safe. Try to remember these positive days you have had. The mindset you are in now is temporary. It sounds as if your mood is very reactive to things that happen around you. Try to find things that will support a positive stable mood and avoid things that will drag you down. Please keep safe. xxx

brachypelma
Posts: 718
Joined: Thu Dec 15, 2011 2:35 pm
Location: On a crusade

Re: Icarus *trig* (Explicit)

Postby brachypelma » Sat May 26, 2012 2:34 pm

Thank you, I took the bike into the dealer I got it from as its on warranty but the mechanic said there is no play in the wheel what so ever its straight and true (bike term meaning straight-true) Im going to get a 2nd opinion I think.

My partner has a big trap and I know what presses her buttons too though my version is the truth, she is alike my mother in some ways she just cant see it. Her fantasy's are really humiliating so much that it also effects people around me such as my brother. One point I starved her sexually for months on end and one time my brother came to see me and pick some stuff up and she thought i could not get out of it if she tried it on, she tried to administer oral sex in front of my brother. Im finding triggers hard lately, she has a pair of sex dice and it landed on flash- breasts the one thing she did do in cheating on me i wanted to put the die up her nostrils and punch her in the nose. Sexually we are not compatible in any way, my idea of sex is different the only thing I like between my legs is an engine as my therapist said on thursday and nothing female, im not gay but some people enjoy physical interaction as where I dont. I try to keep her happy I tried to pull a fast one taming her with romantic coupons I brought like dinner, kiss under the stars, chore free day etc and there are 2 sexual related ones and I stated can only have sex for as many times as there are coupons as there are 2 but not satisfying enough for her, Im starting to think its a old story, the quest for something you cant have.
Time takes away the last few moments..

brachypelma
Posts: 718
Joined: Thu Dec 15, 2011 2:35 pm
Location: On a crusade

Re: Icarus *trig* (Explicit)

Postby brachypelma » Sat May 26, 2012 6:30 pm

I took the bike back out and had some fun with a pack of boy racer cars, who i think may have been watching too much fast and furious, I can accelerate way faster than a car lol. Thought it would be funny passing those tinker toys at 70 mph lol.

When we started she was not alike my mother but then it just came to be, even down to phrases my mother keeps saying since i was a child, very disturbing but most of all my mother ALWAYS went to the toilet with the door open (i threw up alot!) and my partner does the same. Something small like her just touching my backside while im walking is still too much for me.

I have delved into the subject with the therapist, but she see's it as an abusive joke on my part. The way things happen is, like when me and OH are in bed I dont mind a arm thrown over and sometimes spoon but the moment she tries to touch me i kick her out of bed to the concrete floor or semi engaging in fantasy when she wants to be the helpless one tying her to the bed and leaving her there.
Time takes away the last few moments..

brachypelma
Posts: 718
Joined: Thu Dec 15, 2011 2:35 pm
Location: On a crusade

Re: Icarus *trig* (Explicit)

Postby brachypelma » Sun May 27, 2012 1:15 am

Its ok, I dont get alot of help with anything really which is why I keep getting stuck in place all the time. Care is not always my primary concern at the time I tend to take sex badly and use funny things (to me) to cope with the issues surrounding it.

To let out more personal backgrounds and as to why maybe my related issues are off a margin.
Around my life there has been sexual activity unintended as I didnt know what sex was for a long time, only a year before my 1st consented sex. Previously the 1st encounter was a girl a friend 6 years older than me but also friend to my older sister how i knew her. She got bored playing the same game with me on the field near the house we both lived close together, so played hide and seek a variation of anyway. There was a place where the rubbish chutes lead to in the block,for weeks a new place to hide out and talk then one day went far and started to feel me and kiss me in personal places i did not understand until later later on.
2nd encounter again a friend's mother, after school visit as friends do after a while same thing happen as before with one difference I got scared as remembering the last time something like that started and wet myself (I was young, very young) but worked in her favor get out of those wet clothes- then playing with me then making me lay next to her as she got naked and then sat on my face for pleasure, i was weak back then only a tiny boy unlike now so could not lift her off or shout as my face was covered.
3rd encounter, had a friend a male one who had a friend with a friend who we were supposed to meet he purposefully never turned up so just me alone with 2 girls (later found one of them was my cousin) tried to stay calm being alone with 2 strange girls who i had never met who were more than a little interested in "exploring" and hormonal feelings. They pre picked a day where the house would be free from adults and brought some special stuff (rohypnol its now knows as) from the same guy who was meant to be with me, he was a dealer of many things including various drugs but I thought was a good guy at the time one person close as i had just moved schools. They used the drug and took pictures with me that I did not remember then flashed them around the population.
4th encounter, sleeping around a male friends place as my own home became too violent and woke up with both him and his sister "playing" with me (and why i never wear loose pajama's since then)
And all before I was 14 years old, first actual consented was at 16 yrs old though went badly still consented. Not including all the various little things, I dont know why i seem to be like a magnet to this kind of behavior in people, when I realized what sex was and refused my 1st real partner because of my sex related issues she cheated twice, the next partner cheated and so did the next 34 after her and actually I have had 1 girl that never cheated but thats only because we lasted a day if that.
The world is consumed by sex, the need, the drive the disgusting truth its sick. As to why people need it as a drive is beyond my feelings, sex is so much a part of society that someone i know keeps sending a picture of his penis to people over fb at the moment. I have to ask if scientists are really sure what axis the earth spins on.
Time takes away the last few moments..

brachypelma
Posts: 718
Joined: Thu Dec 15, 2011 2:35 pm
Location: On a crusade

Re: Icarus *trig* (Explicit)

Postby brachypelma » Sun May 27, 2012 1:41 pm

Well this partner is about to be terminated from my life. I have few rules most of them to aid me in the pursuit of cutting paranoia down but never seems to work much, i get paranoid about relationships 23 hours a day. One rule is no talking to men and i randomly hack communications well I say hack but well she knows I can and do it and she has been talking to a man, automatic termination, im very strict about controlling paranoia and paranoid inputs and sources. Not mentioning that everytime a partner talks to another man i get cheated on so this one is about to be gone.
Time takes away the last few moments..

deadchick07
Posts: 5029
Joined: Sun Dec 09, 2007 1:06 am

Re: Icarus *trig* (Explicit)

Postby deadchick07 » Sun May 27, 2012 2:29 pm

perhaps your whole approach is creating the very thing you try to avoid? By putting the relationship under such strict rules you are driving them away. I've had two partners who wanted to control who I spoke to, I cheated and left both of them because I couldnt stand what it was doing to my self esteem.

maybe you need some time as single, to get through some of your issues before embarking on a new relationship? It worked for me.
I'm not mad, I'm furious

When injustice becomes law, rebellion becomes duty

brachypelma
Posts: 718
Joined: Thu Dec 15, 2011 2:35 pm
Location: On a crusade

Re: Icarus *trig* (Explicit)

Postby brachypelma » Sun May 27, 2012 3:04 pm

Women and love the only 2 things beyond my understanding and capabilities to comprehend. To be honest I dont think I want another relationship for as long as I live. I most like am making things happen that im trying to stop but my rules are selfish defense coping mech. With paranoia flowing thick with my tendency of violent behavior its not a good mix, maybe for me companionship was never meant to be and why im closer to animals as to people.
She is out at the moment still but took my motorcycle so i cant follow her.
This day just gets worse, an hour ago received a E-vite (email invitation) to a friends bachelor bash at a gentlemans club near the waterfront, still trying to figure how to say bug off in a polite but thankful way.
Time takes away the last few moments..


Return to “Mutual Support Group”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 23 guests