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Is it my time?

For sharing your experiences and feelings about mental illness
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so sad
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Is it my time?

Postby so sad » Wed Jul 02, 2008 9:56 am

I’ve had enough – what is the bloody point? I’m trying my best to get better I pay to see a therapist once a week who is brilliant and I’ve started a self-esteem group once a week too. I religiously take my ADs and try to eat reasonably well. Nothing is working, nothing is helping. I am so incredibly lonely its ridiculous and those I trust are proving an issue. The one person apart from my therapist who I can confide in is freaking me out. I sent her a very distressed text yesterday, no reply. Don’t get me wrong, I know things could be happening for her etc but I’m so paranoid and full of self hate that I’m assuming its because she is sick of me and wants nothing to do with me. I’ll see her tonight but to be honest I’m at the end of my tether with it all.

I mean, how long can I go on, day to day trying to find ways to self harm that aren’t obvious (my partner asked me if I self harmed last week, I wasn’t expecting the question so I denied it), feeling that I don’t belong, being desperately lonely and wanting to disappear? Every minute is too long so to think that I could have months or even years like this is not an option.

At what point do I say ‘Enough is enough’ and end it?

My head hurts just from having too much in it and not being able to sort it, to filter out the crap.

I just don’t know what to do

Please help me

x

MillieB

Re: Is it my time?

Postby MillieB » Wed Jul 02, 2008 10:11 am

I no it's really hard when you feel so lonely and distrusting but please try and hang on.

Do you reckon your partner would support you if they knew you self harmed, sometimes its good to have people around you to support you.

Can you contact your therapist and talk things through with them if things are getting to much for you?

You are always welcome to talk on here:)

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judithj
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Re: Is it my time?

Postby judithj » Wed Jul 02, 2008 10:16 am

so much of what you are doing is right - therapist, meds, starting the group, but things still aren't going the way you want them to. it's so frustrating. can i ask how long you've been on the meds - the dosage may need to be adjusted, or the one you're on may not be right for you.
if you're not already doing so, can i suggest you keep a diary? you can use it to record your thoughts and feelings but also to write down any strategies you find helpful or not, and also to write down what you've achieved. just getting up in the morning is an achievement, so acknowledge it, reward yourself for it.
you're a special person - it is your time. Your time to recognize how special you are. you will overcome this. can i suggest with the s/h issue that one way to deal with it is to recognize that it's not going to stop straight away. so don't make it forbidden. give yourself permission, but only after you've talked to someone first. if there's no-one else available, there's always Samaritans 08457 909090. when you've talked to someone, reassess if you still want to. i cut and after each cut i ask myself if i need to do the next one or if i can stop. could you try that approach? if possible, be honest with your partner - say that you s/h but are trying to deal with it.
keep posting - take care of yourself. exercise is good for self esteem. hugs, Judith xxx

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so sad
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Re: Is it my time?

Postby so sad » Wed Jul 02, 2008 10:33 am

Thank you to both of you for replying.

I've been on meds since Jan and I'm waiting for an appointment with the psychaitirst about finding another one. I keep meaning to chase up the appointment but don't feel like I deserve to - stupid I know.

The big issue with my partner knowing is that when I half brought it up last year she told me it was stupid (!) so she could go on the attack which she does do more often than not and I wouldn't cope with that. Plus, she may tell my parents which is a big 'no,no'. They would freak out and my mum has a heart condition so its not really an option.

It doesn't help that last week I had to have one of my cats put to sleep, very unexpectedly. My cats are my babies so losing her has left a massive hole - again, just what is the point of 'me'?

I watched a film over the weekend about a guy who tried to kill himself. When asked why he wanted to die he said 'I don't want to die, but I don't want to live either' - that is how I feel but i'm leaning more towards the wanting to die bit, just to escape from all of this, to escape from me

I go dancing twice a week for about 3 hours at a time - it does distract but on the other hand I don't like groups of people although I do know most of them, I still feel uneasy.


xx

MillieB

Re: Is it my time?

Postby MillieB » Wed Jul 02, 2008 10:35 am

You do deserve an appointment! I'm so sorry about your kitty (sadly i'm allergic but love them anyway).

It's important that you believe in yourself and that you are worth it. Please just pick up the phone,

Sending you hugs

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judithj
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Re: Is it my time?

Postby judithj » Wed Jul 02, 2008 10:43 am

ok, how about making your aim for today to chase up that appointment. write it down on a list and then tick it off when you've done it.
i'm sorry about your cat - they're so lovely and irreplaceable. the others will miss her too, so give them loads of extra attention.
your partner sounds in need of some education about s/h. it's not stupid - it's a short-term solution to a long term problem, which then becomes a problem in itself. Mind has a good series of online booklets at http://www.mind.org - she could do with having a look.
can you find a smaller venue to do your dancing with not so many people. i hate crowds and feel claustrophobic in one.
take care of you, hugs Judith xxx

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so sad
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Re: Is it my time?

Postby so sad » Wed Jul 02, 2008 11:21 am

Ok, I've made the phone caqll and I'm waiting for someone to ring me back

I help teach the dancing so changing venue isn't an option.

I don't understand my partner really. When we first got together I was self harming and she was very supportive. If one of her other friends was doing it, she would be supportive. Maybe she is trying to tell me something or maybe I'm being paranoid. Who knows.

xx

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judithj
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Re: Is it my time?

Postby judithj » Wed Jul 02, 2008 11:30 am

just had to say Well done! love the avatar! hugs Judith xxx

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so sad
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Re: Is it my time?

Postby so sad » Thu Jul 03, 2008 7:53 am

Thanks again for taking time to reply

I saw the friend last night that I had sent the text to - she made no mention of it. Last year (and in the past) she has suffered greatly with depression so its not as if she doesn't understand - maybe she just doesn't care.

I have lost 2 of my cats this year, 2 in 2 months. I'm now down to 7 which I know is a lot but they really are everything to me. It makes me feel that I'm going something wrong as a 'Mum' although my sensible side knows that isn't the case.

Lorna = you don't sound patronising at all, very understanding in fact.

Thanks again

xx


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