About 3 weeks ago I had a mental health assessment. I was very open which was hard. I told them I self harm on a daily basis due to self-hatred, dreamt about suicide and had suicide plans. They were concerned as I have no outlet for the emotions (didn't mention this site) apart from one firend who I trust but is going through her own crap so I've backed off. They agreed that I need some sort of talking therapy as the reasonsn are deep rooted but as there is a long waiting list they would allocate me someone on their team to see me on a regular basis to simply get me through day to day.
I had my first appointment with my CPN today. She said I get 3 sessions with her (half an hour each). No referral for therpay has been made and it might not be. i told her what was said in the assessment but she didn't really react. if I do get referred it will be ages and then I would only get 6 sessions. She asked me what support I had in place. I told her about my friend and explained the limits on it. She asked me about what stopped me commiting suicide and I said my parents but said that as much as it would destroy them I also know they wouldn't want me to live in this pain day in, day out. She asked me if I had numbers of helpines which I do but I said I'm not good on the phone. She asked me about work and I said I'm not at all productive, have an important job but have quite an understanding boss.
So she decided from all that, that i'm OK, I have support in place so nothing further to do.
I feel so let down and abandoned. Do they not get that just because we can function on a level that we're in fact struggling to keep or head above the water and maybe that if we stop fighting that bit that we'll just sink.
I'm so angry and upset. I know I have no value, am a worthless piece of crap and she has just backed that theory up. I see her again in 2 weeks. How the hell is that supposed to get me through each day - bloody ridiculous
Sorry for the rant but only you guys will understand this - well I hope you do anyway.
Its as if I've been disregarded because I've not ended up in hospital yet. Have they not heard that prevention is better than cure??
I feel so lost and alone - maybe that is what I deserve