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So here goes

Posted: Sun Mar 30, 2008 12:36 pm
by AnamCara
I have been sitting here in bed on this Sunday morning with my laptop and a cup of coffee and a big box of tissues. I just cannot stop crying. I feel so lost right now that I just want to pull the duvet up over my head and disappear. It has been a really tough year. I am back in work and on the surface I guess that all seems back to normal. I say on the surface, because I am wearing a big mask right now. The expectations of those around me are that this dreadful depression that I have suffered with, should be better now.It seems t me that their patience with me has been exhausted. But, I am NOT better. I am just about holding it together here, but the price I have to pay for keeping up appearances and making sure that the mask doesn't fall, is that my life has become a work to bed existence. I am so tired at the end of my day that there isn't an ounce of energy left to do anything but curl up and sleep. I am so lonely, and empty and devoid of any hope for the future that I really am beginning to think that the only way out is to do something drastic. I can't really contemplate another year like the one that I have just endured. My heart is broken.My soul is destroyed. All the confidence and self belief and self worth that I have had up to last year is gone, and in its place there is a deep dark hole that is filled with thoughts of worthlessness and desparation. Outside I hear the cars go by. The sound of next door's children playing in the garden. The chatter of people returning from Church. The Church bell is ringing. Previously I would have lain here on Sunday and considered that bell sound. It would have filled me with a feeling of sureness. Today it sounds like a funeral bell. All those sounds remind me that there is a world out there in which I have lost my place. The tears are flowing so freely now. They have been flowing for weeks now. I am so sad inside. So lonely. So untouchable. I long to be touched. To be held, as once I was held. I long to hear someone tell me " It will be alright, and I will hold your hand until you come through this" Please wont someone here my plea? Please please please please. I am sinking fast here. I really can't take much more of this.

Re: So here goes

Posted: Mon Mar 31, 2008 7:51 am
by AnamCara
Monday morning. Up and ready for work. I really don't know how I will get through this day. Wow, 13 people have viewed my post yesterday. Could one of you not have left a word of support?

Re: So here goes

Posted: Mon Mar 31, 2008 8:13 am
by so sad
Hi

I can relate to your post so much. Do you have any professional support? Do have any close friends who know your situation?

Was there something specific that triggered your depression?

Please keep going. Struggling to know what else to say as I am in the same boat but I am here for you.

Please take care and let me know how your day goes. I can't go on after work but will check throughout the day.

xx (big hugs too)

Re: So here goes

Posted: Tue Apr 01, 2008 8:37 am
by judithj
i wish i could take your pain away, but am sending you hugs instead. going back to work can't be easy but you're doing it. feel good about that. if being full-time is too much, can you go back part-time and increase your hours gradually?