I have been sitting here in bed on this Sunday morning with my laptop and a cup of coffee and a big box of tissues. I just cannot stop crying. I feel so lost right now that I just want to pull the duvet up over my head and disappear. It has been a really tough year. I am back in work and on the surface I guess that all seems back to normal. I say on the surface, because I am wearing a big mask right now. The expectations of those around me are that this dreadful depression that I have suffered with, should be better now.It seems t me that their patience with me has been exhausted. But, I am NOT better. I am just about holding it together here, but the price I have to pay for keeping up appearances and making sure that the mask doesn't fall, is that my life has become a work to bed existence. I am so tired at the end of my day that there isn't an ounce of energy left to do anything but curl up and sleep. I am so lonely, and empty and devoid of any hope for the future that I really am beginning to think that the only way out is to do something drastic. I can't really contemplate another year like the one that I have just endured. My heart is broken.My soul is destroyed. All the confidence and self belief and self worth that I have had up to last year is gone, and in its place there is a deep dark hole that is filled with thoughts of worthlessness and desparation. Outside I hear the cars go by. The sound of next door's children playing in the garden. The chatter of people returning from Church. The Church bell is ringing. Previously I would have lain here on Sunday and considered that bell sound. It would have filled me with a feeling of sureness. Today it sounds like a funeral bell. All those sounds remind me that there is a world out there in which I have lost my place. The tears are flowing so freely now. They have been flowing for weeks now. I am so sad inside. So lonely. So untouchable. I long to be touched. To be held, as once I was held. I long to hear someone tell me " It will be alright, and I will hold your hand until you come through this" Please wont someone here my plea? Please please please please. I am sinking fast here. I really can't take much more of this.