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Feeling Isolated

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j51
Posts: 23
Joined: Fri Jun 05, 2020 4:58 pm

Re: Feeling Isolated

Postby j51 » Fri Jul 03, 2020 12:35 am

Hi Modin,

I feel like a reporter on the daily news, only the news is my life and yours Modin.
We could call it.....The Daily Troubles....
I seem to be here more than anywhere else. After this I will be taking a break for a bit. When you get to my age you don’t worry about the editorials so much...

I see you noticed the audience we have suddenly acquired. I have enough on my plate with staying alive ( good movie in its day ) and trying to find hope.
Lovely woman hope, and if I find her I’ll let you know, lol...old joke, but who cares...

Yea I’ve got enough going on....Ratings.......Is the least of my worries.
I hope it’s you they all rush to read, because I don’t think I’d take fame to well right now. I like being at the back of the crowd not the front...
In fact I am hoping, praying , that somebody will write a fantastic piece, somewhere and they will all rush to view his or hers and our ratings will plummet..
Please god answer my prayers.....
To me, that would be a cigar moment. And I don’t smoke!! ...
But You haven’t so far God...Why would I expect you to listen now......But there’s hope....There she is again, lol.......God you’ve got to love her, she’s so allusive...

Just some friendly advice Modin. Never apologise for your own editorial..
Always be proud and standby what you write. If your not and can’t, then you haven’t thought about it enough before you’ve written it and posted it.....I truly am sounding like an editor now.
But.....I forgive you...lol.

In all seriousness for second, I apologise if my previous posts have been a bit intense. When your suffering bad, I’m afraid everybody else is blocked out of your senses.

A lot of what you say is well thought out and thoughtful, and I feel you speak from the heart. But just keep in mind, I’m mentally fragile right now, and I’m not ashamed to say it, and I’m sure others are to on here...So try to be cautious in your approach please.

When I talk, I talk from my own experiences, I can’t speak for others on here or anywhere else for that matter.
But one of the problems of being a victim of abuse as a child i find is, the difficulty you have in trusting other people..Trust is a big issue for me..It’s the bi-product of my experiences.
And something I am trying to work on.

I am glad you can’t imagine how I am feeling. Good...I would never want anybody as a child or a vulnerable adult for that matter, to go through what I went through. So that makes me very happy, that at least one person like yourself hasn’t suffered like I did.

I can’t give you advice right now or helpful guidance on your own troubles, because my mind is racing hard, my spirit is low and I am battling with myself everyday right now, to have a reason to stay here.
I hate depression, it’s a silent killer. And it has totally no street cred.

“ Ours not to reason why, ours but to do and die.”

In other words, I can’t come up with the answer for why it’s hit me hard now, when my younger life I managed to subdue it better. It was always there, and I battled with the low feelings of it through out my life, obviously. But I managed then to let it not define me.
I guess if I think about it harder..
It was the love for my children that kept me from tipping over then. As a parent your day is never done, it’s like a shift that never ends, lol.. You don’t get time to think, kids are professionals at occupying your day...And I wouldn’t of had it any other way..They were and will always be, the best thing in my life and my saviour at that time.. Without them, I don’t think I would of got past 30 or maybe even my 20s.
That’s the only answer I can give Modin...The love for my children.

And why now, the out pouring of all these emotions ? I guess at some point anything can take its toll, I don’t care how tough a person thinks they are.
Once the lids off, it’s harder to push it back down again.

For me it started to effect my health, keeping all those feelings in , resulted eventually in sleep problems especially as I got older. Insomnia always makes things worse. And from that resulted a heart attack and a stent fitted.
Could of been worse, I know someone who had three stents and three heart attacks..bloody show off, lol...He’s still alive, but he don’t go to the gym no more, lol.. Walking is his new found craze.
He’s done more steps than the band of the same name...

It may not be the in-depth answer your looking for, but it’s my answer and it’s the best I can do..

I’ve considered your question on healing, lol..
As far as healing goes, well, healings like a jigsaw puzzle with some pieces still missing, you desperately want to solve and finish the puzzle for good, but without the pieces to finalise it, your just unfinished work.. You’ll search high and low for those pieces, usually a sofa is involved, but you still don’t find them as soon as you had hoped.
And if you can’t find them today, I guess there’s always tomorrow.
I think for me, the question is not about the puzzle of healing, but whether your actually prepared to keep on looking for the missing bits, before you say, that’s it, I give up.
Life’s full of puzzles, that’s not the problem, it’s finding the bits that are missing that give you the headache..

That’s why counsellors have always made me chuckle, in their view, one size fits all..

We are all governed by a session of 50 minutes. And in those sessions they expect someone who’s had serious traumas in their life, to be cured in six to twelve sessions. That’s if your not paying private.
If your paying private, they hope that you’ll need at least five years of counselling, with them really dreaming of ten... :)
I’ve had some flip out on me, because they are not stitching me back together quick enough..As if it’s my fault..
So bad have they’ve got at times, I’ve actually found myself worrying for their well-being.

Some others have been very good, and they have been frustrated by the constraints of an archaic system but understandably they must obey the regulations.
And some I’ve felt....well ...they need more counselling than me. Lol..

In reality, we are all different, which requires then a more personalised recovery package.
I would have thought.
This view of mine, is slowly, so I hear, being looked into by younger, free thinking counsellors who realising the old system, which is most probably post WW2, is not working anymore, and want to try and overhaul the whole process.
It’s about time.
Life is now more complex now than it was then after the war.

After some thought. I’ve decided to re-edit this last part. You know I joke, because otherwise I’d be dead.. But It’s no laughing matter..I’m struggling..And I can’t do this site no more.
It’s like having a club of suicide watchers.
Roll up roll up, pay to see the freak.. :(
All waiting to see when I’ll kill myself. Well, I may not get through to the end of this weekend.
I can’t pretend no more to myself or others, I am so sick of being on this world.

Goodbye Modin, or whoever you are, French or English, it doesn’t matter to me. Even if your characters been fake. It’s easier to be someone else, you haven’t got to let the world know the real you is hurting inside. You can be what ever persona you want on here, providing you dont mind living a lie..I myself, really don’t care.. I gave up caring a long time ago..
My life’s just ticking away until it stops ticking.
Thank you Modin for talking. Real or fake, you listened for a while.
I hope you find what your looking for.

To all the people on here, good luck in life, and may your troubles get better.

J51
Last edited by j51 on Fri Jul 03, 2020 5:56 am, edited 3 times in total.

modin
Posts: 25
Joined: Sun Jun 07, 2020 4:41 pm

Re: Feeling Isolated

Postby modin » Fri Jul 03, 2020 2:45 am

No problem, enjoy yourself! :)


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