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Feeling Isolated

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j51
Posts: 23
Joined: Fri Jun 05, 2020 4:58 pm

Re: Feeling Isolated

Postby j51 » Wed Jun 17, 2020 8:53 am

Erica85,

Your not alone, there’s people here In this forum that can help , lift you.
I know, they are helping me.
Coming here was a positive step. Keep taking those steps

J51

modin
Posts: 25
Joined: Sun Jun 07, 2020 4:41 pm

Re: Feeling Isolated

Postby modin » Fri Jun 19, 2020 3:42 pm

I'm something of an expert at staying cloistered alone at home... hehehe :)

In fact, that's what I've done mostly for the past 6 years. I couldn't have done it without my computer. It's weird to some people, but this type of life is what's most comfortable to me. I think I know why, too.

During my childhood, I was mostly cloistered as well, but not by choice. My pre-school and elementary school were 30-45 minutes away from home, and the building where I lived didn't have any other kids (or I never found out about it). So, social contact was limited to school for me, and with it being mostly classes and lessons, that wasn't a lot. Single kid with a single workaholic mom, I used to feel neglected often - bored out of my mind, staying at my mom's workplace because no nanny.

So I've never had many opportunities to practice social skills. And of course, I found my own escape from boredom, which was video games (and other computer-related activities). I might express myself well in text, but in person it's another thing...

So luckily, this covid situation doesn't bother me too much. I'm not anywhere close to a beach! Still, I wish with all my heart that it resolves as fast as possible so you can enjoy open spaces again. Weird how we don't realize how important something is until we lose it, huh? :)

I don't know what you like watching on Netflix, maybe I could give some suggestions. I never watch TV, but I really enjoy watching shows and movies. And I don't suppose you've got much interest in video games either :)

Sucks that on top of everything you have to suffer from foot injury... look on the bright side, when it'll have healed life will be that much better! There's something to look forward to: that, sunlight, walking on the beach, and who knows what life has in store!

I definitely think that there's a whole world of experiences to look forward to, and a plethora of good people to meet. When we're down, we tend to get stuck in this vicious cycle of seeing only the bad and not actively seeking the good anymore. It's really tough to get out of it. I think it's all about mentality, but sometimes we just don't have any motivation to change ourselves. Nothing to protect anymore, nothing to look forward to, that we can see anyway.

Sometimes, life throws us a bone. Sometimes it's a big one, one we can't ignore, and just like that we're back on track, even without realizing what happened. Other times it falls back on us to change our perspective so that we can recognize the good in life and the opportunities we have to seek more good. It's certainly a constant battle with ourselves. Oh how I wish it were easy...

By the way, the other day I learned about highly sensitive people. I have a friend who figured out that she was highly sensitive, she told me she absorbs other people's emotions like a sponge, she starts crying just by seeing someone extremely happy or sad, sometimes she cries when seeing ads on tv, in other words she's deeply affected by other people's emotions which can make it hard when those emotions are negative.

I don't know how you relate to this, but I've wondered if you had some of that, given what you've told me about how your family makes you feel sometimes.

I'm personally the polar opposite: I've built a shell... or more like a nuclear bunker around my heart as a defense mechanism, and I now struggle to truly feel and to truly trust. I get hurt easily and every time I do, I have this reflex to back off emotionally, to remove my involvement, to go inwards. And I wish I didn't!

j51
Posts: 23
Joined: Fri Jun 05, 2020 4:58 pm

Re: Feeling Isolated

Postby j51 » Sat Jun 20, 2020 4:06 am

Hi Modin,

It’s 02.38am , can’t sleep , things on my mind. I hate it when your minds racing at a fast speed.

I enjoyed reading your post.
I’m really low at the moment, struggling a bit , Im trying to fight the suicidal thoughts that come into my head just lately. I keep feeling this urge to just give up.

Maybe your post will take the edge of that..

I could be sensitive , I don’t know , I’ve never really thought about it to be honest modin, I am certainly not bothered you’ve said that, lol , so I think it’s safe to say I’m not generally sensitive.
My sensitivity is more selective. Some Family members , and what certain members say that hurt me.
Their lack of empathy for what I’ve been through, and the mean way they can treat me sometimes.
I feel empty at times because of it. No amount of love from me, Changes them.

They certainly don’t understand my depression, which only became a problem when I turned 45, when past child hood nightmares came back to haunt me. See I was abused as a kid, physically mostly and a fair bit mentally too. I prefer not to talk about it really, it was the worst experience of my life. But I survived ..

All these bad memories took away my sleep eventually , and I ended up having a heart attack at 48 and apparently died for a while, only to be brought back. I have a stent fitted now.
It’s funny how things hit you when your older.
But I’m made of tough stuff, it took a while, but I’m back strong physically, but the depressions still there.
I had some help from counselling, but the nightmares still occur sometimes.
It’s so hard for a man to admit he went through all this...

My ex, who still loves me so much, fusses over me, like I’m this unfinished canvas lol, that shes so determined to complete, and put right lol.. she tries to counsel me most days lol.. I like it really, I miss her a lot and love her to bits...But my depression has got in the way of things, and her controlling family hasn’t helped .

It’s weird, because all my life I had been mega fit , I guess that’s what happens when you have a heavy heart full of bad memories and sleepless nights, the fit body no longer matters, it all comes down to the heart and mind.

My family love me, but my depression has caused people to pull away. It can be a lonely illness.

I’m not into computer games huh?? .lol..your joking right!! ...listen I was playing on computers before you were even thought of lol.... When cave men were alive lol..

My first computer was, the first home computer ever a ZX81..look it up ..revolutionary at the time, boring in reality lol..
Then I had a spectrum for a while, the colour upgrade lol..
Then the big boy came in ..The Commodore 64 , with front loading cartridge games, and tape deck for tape games that took forever to load...I loved that mean machine..lol
Even today the C64 makes guest appearances in movies ...John wick 3, the operation room that announces the bounty on John wicks head, that’s the C64 they are all using ..love that movie.

Then the dream console came out..I queued with my son to get it....The PlayStation..We got the original Tomb Raider game, brilliant for its time, and the first Resident Evil...then the library grew from there.
Then we got the PlayStation 2, 3, 4...with all the brilliant games at the time..Metal Gear solid was my favourite , it was cool , Snake the character could stop what he was doing and have a cigarette lol....not PC now lol...Or when the bad guys use to go “ huh?? “ if they heard a noise...we had tons of games , my son liked FIFA .
We also had a Nintendo 64 ...my daughter loved that , mario cart and mario party where her favourites at the time.
We were a console family...

The only thing I didn’t get is a XBox, which was considered the enemy in our house for a long time,lol..PlayStation fans ..although I think XBox online is better than PlayStation .

The PlayStation 5 looks awesome , there’s a cool game called Deathloop , looks really cool..there was loads of good games in the reveal...I so much want that console when it comes out...

So Modin , wrap your head round all those lol..make you jealous? lol...I’m teasing..

I’m like a veteran of consoles, your like an apprentice just starting out lmao..

It’s good to talk to you, maybe next time we can talk about you, I’m sorry it’s been all about me..
It would be nice to take the spotlight off me.

You can tell me what girlie games you play lol....I’m sure it’s not Gods of War..lol

Please god let it not be Fortnite...I hated that game lol..or anything to do with Mindcraft lol..

thank you for cheering me up..
From the console King,,,goodnight lol

J51

modin
Posts: 25
Joined: Sun Jun 07, 2020 4:41 pm

Re: Feeling Isolated

Postby modin » Sat Jun 20, 2020 4:53 pm

Nice! So you're a console gamer! Well... I'm a PC gamer :D

It's mostly because my family is modest and consoles and games cost a lot of money. When I was little I switched to PC games (which were easy to pirate) pretty quickly. I had my fun with consoles though. My first one was a gameboy advance on which I spent what feel likes an eternity. I'd always bring it with me everywhere, it was a great way to fight the ever present boredom of my childhood. After that I only owned an xbox and a wii with a few games on each.

I feel like I've gamed for most of my life. I do not play Fortnite even though I have nothing against this game :) I have played Minecraft a lot though, it's really cool, especially when you have someone to play it with! Personally, I don't concern myself with who plays a game, if a game is fun to play I'll play it.

Among the games I've played the most must be online games like WoW, LoL, Overwatch, Apex Legends, but I've always enjoyed playing single player/local games, especially indie games! Games like Celeste, Stardew Valley, Starbound, Undertale, Legend of Grimrock, Subnautica... I absolutely love those! And big titles like GTA, Elder Scrolls, Dishonored, Kingdom Come, Fallout... the list could go on for a few paragraphs :)

So I am more of a pcmasterrace person but... if I had money I'd definitely play consoles as well. Lots of great exclusivities that I missed. The one I want to play the most must be Breath of the Wild on the switch. One day maybe. In any case, you are a veteran of consoles compared to me!

Anyway... it breaks my heart to hear that your ex and you still love each other but are driven apart by outside forces. Even though I don't know much about love yet, I am slowly realizing that it is one of the best, if not the best thing in life - at least I feel like it can be for me. I am not a very driven individual, I have no drive to work or build a career or even improve myself (which has to do with my own fears and lack of self-love, I think). The only thing so far that's worked as a motivator for me is love... which I realize isn't healthy. I don't want to be emotionally dependent. And yet, the feeling is blissful and it frees me...

I hope you lived the separation better than I would have. If not... I think I can relate in a way, even though I lack experience.

I'm also sorry that you went through so much abuse during your childhood... the world is unfair. I think you're a very tough person indeed. That's what we humans do best: adapt. I think it makes a lot of sense that you still have nightmares and that it still affects you in the form of depression. As tough as you are, I don't think anybody can be that tough - give yourself a break.

My advice would be... let yourself feel and give yourself the right to feel. You've gone through very difficult stuff, I can't even imagine. As a man, even if I was taught by my single mother that it was okay to cry, I have always swallowed my sadness and repressed the bad feelings, and I noticed recently that... it's not good.

Recently I've tried to open myself up more to my emotions. I've managed to let myself cry more. I've noticed that it's more productive, when I'm feeling bad and I'm uncomfortable with it, to seek the source of this feeling, understand why I am feeling bad, and acknowledge that reason so that I can feel good about feeling bad - if that makes any sense - rather than disowning my feelings which ultimately never works, and which unfortunately is what I've been doing my whole life!

I think this is why sometimes I can feel like I have a heart of stone. I have never been able to handle bad feelings in a healthy way, they have hurt me so much more than they should have, and so I built myself a shell so that nobody could hurt me. But I'm trying to remedy this now. I try to accept that sometimes I'm going to feel bad but that life goes on and that there's also happiness to look forward to.

I don't know if you can believe in a future where you're happy. Sometimes it can certainly feel hopeless. I'll only say that much: you're a good person, you have good values, you seem smart and resilient, and also sensitive (which I mean in a good way! you're way ahead of me when it comes to being in phase with your emotions). I for one believe you deserve happiness as much as anyone, possibly much more. And I think you can absolutely find it if you believe in this too. There's just no reason why you couldn't.

j51
Posts: 23
Joined: Fri Jun 05, 2020 4:58 pm

Re: Feeling Isolated

Postby j51 » Sun Jun 21, 2020 5:56 pm

Hi Modin,

Breath of the wild on switch, brilliant..My ex partners son is a massive gamer he had it on his switch along with the new Luigi game , I think it was..He was very possessive of his switch, lol..
If you like that kind of game, then you’ll love it..Breath of the wild is a great adventure game.
I like the switch it’s a cool device.

I think as I get older my tastes change in games, I don’t invest time in a game unless it has an interesting story ..Or its just cool...Like Last of Us 2..can’t wait for that ..The last of Us, was my favourite game of all time..Well apart from the original tomb raider, which in your generation would be considered old stuff graphics, but to me the game was brilliant, I liked the puzzle solving of it, and the music, the monks chanting, at the time it was groundbreaking..Its a shame they ruined it, and made it more about body counts ...

I like PC games as well, but I have to confess, I’m no expert like you, console games are my God, lol... I can’t believe you had the enemies console ,lol :(..the Xbox...Well somebodies got to by it I guess..I’m joking, it’s a pretty good console, not much difference in the PS games and Xbox really , although I do feel Xbox online to date, is way better than PS, plus Microsoft do more family orientated games, and more games for girls as well. PS is more guy driven I feel.
But I’m still a die hard PS fan..
I hope they improve the online service on the new PS 5...The new games for it, do look good..
I get like a teenager again when I hear a new PS consoles coming out.

Your kind with the complements thank you, but I feel your way smarter, for your young age, your already self aware and you articulate very well. I’m 51, my life’s been one long life lesson, you kind of pick things up on the way, you have to be smart enough I guess to survive in a world that seems tougher than it use to be. But I think academically your way ahead of me, I can tell a smart young person when I see one :)...

It sounds like you’ve been through a lot yourself, at a young age, my heart goes out to you my friend, life can throw some real curve balls at us can’t it. But something in me keeps me going, as hard as the battle is with myself sometimes. And I think you have the same in you, that survival instinct to keep thinking, there’s always a better day on the horizon.

Your right, negative people in the world are not worth the breath, they will only drag you down, and it’s even worse when they are in your family, because then your confronted with an emotional dilemma, do you turn your ears off to them and risk being ostracised by the rest of the family , or do you just absorb it like a sponge. I think when I was young adult , I absorbed things, bounced back fairly quick, learnt to go death with some negative people, but didn’t say anything to keep the peace.
But as you get older, you start think, to hell with it, if they are going to be energy vampires as I call negatives , then I’m off somewhere else, their not poisoning my air with their strong views about how great they are and how little they respect me or others. Those type of people always see themselves as a self appointed Guru, always willing to advise you of your pitfalls, your mistakes, while inflating their egos to hot air balloon proportions.
To hell with them I say... And you seem to be on the same wavelength..I wish I had been as smart as you at 25..I could of saved myself from getting hurt by people who didn’t care, but pretended they did.
But saying all that, I’m still hurt by the one person I thought wouldn’t hurt me, my son. But when you love someone, you forgive, you even forget in time, but you also observe in yourself that each time you get hurt, a little piece of you dies and the replacement is something more resilient and more cooler to that person...if you get what I mean..The warmth and trust slowly disappears, because your in protective mode.

I’m still learning in life, I don’t have all the answers, but I’m certainly asking the questions more...Like, what the hell am I doing taking this anymore. Since when does love mean a free reign for verbal and mental abuse. It doesn’t ...
What amazes me the most is, some people can’t see how bad they are.

Your post was very thoughtful and much appreciated. You are beyond your years..

I think Love is the hardest thing to find, because we all have our different expectations of it and what It should be. But when you do find it, when the planets are aligned at the most precise time , lol....then, we’ll.... it is the most satisfying thing ever.
It can’t be beaten by anything...
I miss my ex partner she was such a love..And still is..Maybe there’s a chance to heal that.
Who knows, I’m a sucker for happy endings.

Been a deep post from me today, lol, sorry , just been a week full of contemplation and what I need and want out of the rest of my life, IfI am going to win against this depression and not let it drag me down to the depths of despair.

Forgive me if it was more about me in this post , I’m just going through some adjustments in my mind set right now, some harsh realities to realise...
I see your pain as well Modin, I think you protect yourself, by making an invisible barrier. I can relate, I’ve been there too..I, with my struggles am not the best adviser right now, I’m in a learning faze myself, so to speak.
But what I can say is, don’t let those barriers entrap you in an isolation chamber of your own making. Without sounding like Steve Wonder :) , there is good and bad in the world... Don’t let the bad intimidate you, because the good far out ways the bad. And without life experiences our own life autobiography would only be two pages at the most long. Life is for living, exploring, experiencing, learning and achieving. No one ever said it was easy. But then......Easy’s boring...:)

As always a great chat, thank you modin..I hope in time I can persuade you to buy a PS5, which I’m sure will make you world even more fulfilling..lol

Until next time my friend..stay strong, smile and laugh at life..it’s our own natural medicine to fight the down times.

J51

modin
Posts: 25
Joined: Sun Jun 07, 2020 4:41 pm

Re: Feeling Isolated

Postby modin » Mon Jun 22, 2020 2:42 am

Don't worry, it's no problem at all, I like hearing about you :) in fact, I'll share a bit more about myself too.

Apparently I'm what they call "highly gifted". I was always faster at understanding stuff, and was always ahead of everyone in elementary school and a bit of middle school as well. But after those good years, I fell into bad ones and I felt like I didn't fit at school, and wouldn't ever fit anywhere else in society. I stopped paying attention, I wasn't happy, I didn't want to go to school anymore, my future felt uncertain, the world of work became unappealing because I thought it would be more of the same, video games became my escape, my grades took a fall and I felt guilty for it. Guilty for disappointing my mom (who'd always been extremely proud of me) and guilty for failing (because all this time I'd been under the impression that failure was avoidable and that I would always be able to succeed on my first try). My mom would tell me that the system wasn't adapted to me since I was highly gifted, which always felt like an excuse, an easy escape from responsibility that I refused to take, maybe out of pride. Moreover, I couldn't see how that explanation helped - in fact it made things worse. It meant that in a way, I'd never fit, that it was definitely over for me - it didn't offer any good solution. It meant I'd have to suffer all my life, part of a system which would never work for me.

That should explain to you why I might seem to be ahead in a few things. I am definitely behind in other things though, mainly in social skills.

When it comes to negative people... sometimes they're worth it, sometimes not. My mother's uncle is one of those people, very critical, very quick to judge people and sometimes irate. He's homosexual and has had a very troubled past, which I think is one of the main reasons why he's like that. He's old enough so that when he was young, homosexuals were still shunned. Deep down, he's a good person, but it takes lots of effort to reach that, and I think it's perfectly okay for people who don't want to deal with it to just not talk to him.

I also know a woman with bipolar disorder, and it's sometimes very tough to talk to her. She has phases when she's negative and can be hurtful. She's had a traumatic past, so I can see where she's coming from and I'm not bothered. I have high enough self-esteem that I don't take it as an attack towards me - because I know who I am and what I'm worth, what I do wrong and what I do right. But it's definitely a lot of effort to not only find the right words and de-escalate the situation but also not to feel bad about it, to keep in mind that it's not my fault. She has told me that I've made her want to die, for example. This type of stuff is hard to live with, but I don't let it get to me. She's told me that she's been very abusive in the past with her boyfriend, and he clearly wasn't tough enough to handle it and it really hurt him and changed him. He should've backed away but he felt obligated.

Everyone's different, some are more resilient than others, some are more vulnerable. Sometimes it's easy to walk away from an abusive relationship, sometimes we feel morally obligated to help the person and take the abuse, sometimes there are other factors at play. When it's your son, it must be really hard for you, you must feel like it's your moral duty to help, and you must also seek his love and approval. Maybe you wonder whether you raised him correctly, how much fault is yours? My beacon in these kinds of situations is remembering that one should lead by example, and that means that if you allow yourself to be hurt by others when trying to help them and you lose yourself in the process, then both you and the person you're helping stand to lose from it. Retreating from a situation that is truly hurtful to you isn't selfishness or weakness, it's strength, it's knowing your limits and realizing that the other also stands to lose if you go too far.

Anyway, I really hope you can patch things up with your ex. I wish you all the luck with it, and all the courage too. If you believe it can bring happiness to both of you, you definitely should try your best! It's good that you've been thinking about your future and about what you really want out of life. It's the only thing that matters. I've been this way for the past few weeks too. Who knows, maybe covid's not that bad after all? Hahahaha :D

j51
Posts: 23
Joined: Fri Jun 05, 2020 4:58 pm

Re: Feeling Isolated

Postby j51 » Thu Jun 25, 2020 2:17 pm

Hi Modin,

Thank you for the post you sent. It’s good to hear about someone, it takes my mind off my problems right now, and how I’m struggling in general with deep depression that seems to be rooting itself in further and further.

Right now I have three people that are keeping me here in this world. My ex partner, she’s been a godsend.

The other person is yourself.
I’m grateful that you have taken the time to talk to a complete stranger, and take my mind off my troubles. I thank you for that, it gives me hope in this world, that kindness still exists.

The last person is a professional support, who’s been there for me and is trying so hard to guide me through the darkness back to the light ..Good job my torch has Duracell batteries, that’s a lot of darkness for a battery to cope with lol..
And to think when I was your age I adored life, even though by that time, I’d already been through horrific things. When your young you think your indestructible mentally and physically and that you can cope with anything. When you get older life has a way, of bringing you back to humbleness.

I’m trying so hard to believe there is a future, but I feel emotionally like I’m balancing on Stilts that could give way at any time and the only reason I’m still here is because people are maintaining those stilts. Without that maintenance I would just let them rot till I fall.
If that makes sense.

You volunteered some information about yourself and your school, a very brave thing to do, most young people your age wouldn’t even think about analysing their life so critically.
Especially as most young people nowadays think they are the bomb, and life was invented for them only, lol.
If I may, I would like to try and put my pennies worth into those views you have about your school life and such.I can see it resonates with you so strongly.
Being so young still they are fresh in your mind.

I think all kids that love their family want to please them with their academical performance at school. My children were no different. I feel there is more pressure on students now than at anytime before. The work required of pupils has increased tenfold.

So there’s the first clue to your system question. It’s a beast that only marches to one tune, ship them in, ship them out and cross their fingers that those pupils will be able to contribute financially to a society that depends on the flock. A productive workforce is a productive economy, so they say.
The system only worries about the system, high grades and performance from pupils means more back slapping and high fives from legislators and more importantly more funding to the school or academy.
As unfortunate as it has become, children have become like cattle being herded through the gates of academia, taught the same, indoctrinated the same, and then ready for the so called free market economy when they leave.
Then when the young adults get their first job, the pressure is on them again to perform well, to impress your boss this time, which is only a different extension of the teacher and pupil mentality that you had in school. Only this time your boss can make or break you financially if your performance doesn’t live up to what it says on your CV..
The pressures of life... born, work ,die..At least that how it is at the present time.

Not for long though, as we leave the Industrial Age behind and the technological age embraces us, big changes will come with it. Your generation and the ones younger than you, will change society for the better, they will insist on flexible hours and more productive family time and in that will come a better work ethic, because employees will feel valued.
It has to come, the old system is broke it’s not working no more, because the old values do not imply in a modern technological dependant future.

So you see, don’t worry about the system, because the system does not worry about you. Your just another number on your birth certificate.
You want to know who cares... The ones that love you, that’s who.
What your mum said to you, is what any mother that loves their child would say to them. She is trying to avoid you having guilt and she is saying, you are special to her and that’s all that matters, and that what does an archaic academic institution know about her sons qualities.
It doesn’t , only you know your capabilities..Like your mother knows to.

I’ve had 51 years on this planet, ups and downs like anybody, I’m at a crossroads at this age, trying to find myself at this age. It hard, it’s not easy, but if I’m trying to succeed in this journey , I’m sure you can to.. Believe in yourself, and carry no guilt..Life is about, and always has been, self improvement and that improvement making a difference to your life.

To carry guilt, is to not understand the point that your mother is trying to make to you. You are you, be proud of you. ...She is ..
Academia is one thing and all the pressures it brings, but learning life skills is what really prepares you for the big world. You are learning about yourself, that’s a life skill. You are learning your wants, needs , your role in society. It is all normal as a young person of your age to loose a bit of direction. I know and I am sure you will be back on track, once you figure out your direction. Everybody has a direction, they just need to find it.
Yours is games, your PC, so there is an interest in technology. Build on that..Listen to the clues...Maybe your subconscious is telling you, hey your a bright young adult and you like computer games, merge the two together to find your future in technology ...

All the greatest minds and the high achievers in the world all have one thing in common, they listened to the drive of their subconscious, they even woke in the night and jotted down their thoughts. ...And it fuelled them to great things....
You can do this too...

I read what you say about your uncle. Generations before can be cruel. As a society we should all be equal, women should be equal to men and paid the same, different cultures should be equal in society, The LBGT community should be equal in society as well..we all should be equal as a human race...That’s the beautiful theory, and what a lovely theory and world it would be.
But unfortunately, reality is not that beautiful.
In my 51 years nothings changed , and my grandparents generation before them it was even worse. People fight for change, forgetting one thing. History.. History shows, with all the demonstrations and the shouts for equality, nothing has changed over all the centuries...
Expended young energy on marches that solve nothing. But for that moment they think they can enforce change..so why has it never happened?..Find out that answer and your generation will make the difference for good this time.
Look at the riots at the moment..The cause is just, but the implementation is wrong..No amount of toppling statues is going to change anything ..Legislation changes things, things written in law changes things...Statues are just that, statues...They are inanimate objects... Changes in law is a breathing thing that moulds society and adjusts to the times...That’s were the energy should be put.

Racism is disgusting, in an ideal world colour should make no difference at all..But we all have that human trait...We are highly opinionated..And with high opinions comes diverse views and then fear...Fear being the main one...It’s a shame, a real shame and it’s all ridiculous.
I wish we all could just find equality and peace.

Societies issues has a domino effect on people and their lives..Your uncle for instance, he struggled being excepted as a gay man, and all the old fashion bigotry that was brought to him because he was different to them. That then effected the way he viewed life and people around him, it made him more cynical and he may, unintentionally have hurt others because he had become insular in himself because of the prejudice he suffered...This in turn hurt others....in other words.......The domino effect...

My mother is Bi Polar, my whole life growing up as a child was tough, very tough, emotionally more than physical..Being around somebody with Bi Polar is draining and confusing for a child.. But I love her to this day and forgive her for something she had no control over.
Mental health is treated unfairly as any other issues in society. Hopefully that will change one day as well.
That’s a conversation for another day.

I hope my post wasn’t to deep and that I haven’t talked out of line about things to do with you. It was an interesting post, thank you..

Believe in yourself and stay strong
J51

modin
Posts: 25
Joined: Sun Jun 07, 2020 4:41 pm

Re: Feeling Isolated

Postby modin » Fri Jun 26, 2020 7:35 am

I don't think nothing's changed in the past 51 years. I think the world's looking up. There's still ugliness in it, but I believe that it's slowly receding. I used to be pretty pessimistic about the world but now I'd rather look at the positives. I believe with all my heart that the vicious cycle can be broken.

The spread of information, knowledge, education thanks to the evolution of our societies has lead to an intellectual revolution. We're much closer nowadays to a true understanding of ourselves and the world around us than we were a few hundred years ago. Understanding is necessary to make the right choices. So I think it's looking up. The further science goes and the more accessible education is, the better our societies will fare.

I agree with what you said about school and the professional world. I know the system is rotten, I've had ample opportunities to realize it during my school years. I think the education system, at least where I am (France), has to be reworked entirely because I believe it is not adapted to our modern world anymore.

When it comes to my direction... for the longest time all I've ever wanted to do was just stay home and play video games :) That activity has been the steadiest source of happiness in my life and it's only natural that I sought to stay on that path. However, recently I've come to seek more independence, to earn my own money, get my own place, live my own life unrestricted (the main motivator has been love, which is a feeling I discovered very recently). This is what has been motivating me lately to live more consciously, care more about my physical health, take steps towards more independence and start thinking more about the future I want and how to get there. My biggest block right now is making the jump and getting a job. Long-term questions about what kind of career I want to get into will come later... I'm still catching up, finding my own resourcefulness outside the world of the virtual.

Enough about me for now! You don't have to thank me for the time I spend writing to you. It's a discussion and I enjoy it as much as you do :) I wouldn't mind hearing more about the problems you've been facing, the emotions you're feeling, or the depression you're going through. It's also interesting to me that your mother is bipolar! BPD is a topic I'm very interested in because I've been in love for a couple of months now with a girl who is bipolar (first love experience which is what has motivated me to seek independence). If you want to rant or go a bit more into details, don't hesitate. In the meantime we can talk about anything and everything.

And also if you want to stay in touch a bit more directly, we could talk through a messaging app! The main one I use is Discord (my nickname over there is Modin#6298). But we can keep posting here too if you're more comfortable with it :)

I haven't been saying it enough but you're an interesting person to talk to, j :) you're very kind and you've got wisdom to share, and you express it well. I can relate to the struggles you're going through. I'm glad you've got support. You'll find your way back, I'm sure! Life still has much to offer you. If only you could meet your future self - the one who's gotten through the tough times and found happiness! Keep persevering and you'll get there!

j51
Posts: 23
Joined: Fri Jun 05, 2020 4:58 pm

Re: Feeling Isolated

Postby j51 » Fri Jun 26, 2020 11:04 pm

hi Modin,

You bring up valid points and things to ponder about and your views are fascinating.

I feel you could teach me a hell of a lot more than I could teach you about the world you seem to be primed and switched on already...

This was me at 25 Modin...circa 90s..
My head at your age, was more full of the thoughts of my next jalopy car I can buy that was going to be better than my last. On my minimal budget I have, because now I have a child lol...And they don’t sit to well on a motorbike, lol...

And then I saw it one day, the car of my dreams...or so my immature brain thought at the time.lol

It was a Ford Capri 1.6 , gleaming on the car forecourt ...it came with 4 gears, leaded petrol, lol, two doors, ford rims, slightly rusted, vinyl roof and a lovely paint job, with rust bubbles .. And room for a baby car seat...result, lol...She was.... beautiful :)...

Those were the days...A huge Ashtray and lighter as standard, a choke that you eventually timed to perfection so it coughed rhythmically in the morning on a cold day , heaters that stopped working at the most inconvenient moment.. Usually in the middle of the coldest winter on record. And your breath was the windscreen de-mister..
Seatbelts stopped retracting, and somebody always caught your wing mirror..

Cassette players, that usually chewed up your most prized street cred tape ..
Wind down windows, that for some reason at times would jam as your trying to close it, usually when it was raining heavy.. Which meant as you struggled to shut your window quickly, the winding handle would usually break off in your hand...Which would then be flung in the glove box with the other broken off bits.....That you promise your wife you will re-fix them as soon as possible.........many summers pass before that happens. :)...usually, never :(...

A radiator that was so fragile that all it needed was a very angry fat bluebottle on a suicidal mission and that was your day wet and ruined, usually ..far far far away from home, wishing you had at least packed a packet of Scott’s porridge oats to plug the leak.........Ohhh fantastic days. Lol.

And we were always fit in those days, want to know why....Forget Aerobics .....We were always having to bump start our cars, usually in the morning, when we were barely awake....our week was full of running down the road with the car as well, obviously lol, then jumping in to it, throwing it into gear, hoping...but mostly praying like the pope, it starts before you run out of hill.....You did not want to run out of hill :(....It was all in the timing..

These are life skills that you young adults will never get to stamp on your life resume.. lol..

And if you weren’t doing your car, you were helping push someone else’s.....ha ha ha
It was like an exclusive club, and we were all fully paid up members...

Starter motors in those days were manufactured by Fred Flinstone and Barney Rubble Independent Traders Ltd...They lasted about as long as a mile from the showroom on purchase day...

That’s why in those days, if you opened someone’s boot, you will guarantee that the person had a hammer and a tool kit or usually a tool bag, spark plugs, rotar arm, HT leads and tape, jubilee clips, rubber hoses, different sizes ....Man, you had to be prepared!! ...You had more back up in your boot than a quick fit car mechanic...
You needed it for the cars in our day..

Occasionally you would see someone in a flashy car that started with no problem, regularly.....you avoided these people..lol.....show offs that were usually called Mr and Mrs Jones’s.. :)....I’m kidding, my jealousy of their car was the main problem..
And the joyriders with the hot hatches you hated even more..lol..Which was basically a car built around the best exhaust system money could buy ..ha ha ha..

And you definitely didn’t buy a car without a warranty, not that it was much good. Most of them weren’t worth the paper they were written on.....Usually written by Daffy Duck for a laugh I guess...But they made nice paper aeroplanes...
Car dealers had a lot more black eyes in those days ...strangely... :)

Cars are to perfect nowadays to reliable, the funs gone out of them....lol...See what your generation is missing :)...

Grrrreat Days ....

Suddenly your life don’t seem so bad. ;)...lol...Jokes aside, those moments in my life made me laugh at the absurdity of material things, possessions..
What really matters is what’s in your heart, and the one you love and your kids that you bring into this world. They are the best gifts ever...
The rest of it, is all just filler.

Anyway enough reminiscing Modin, I had a happy times flash back..:)
Sometimes I find I need these laughing days, to keep me going..Forgive me .Its been a bit bleak lately for me.. And what with isolation on your own, it difficult.

My grandad would laugh his socks off at my Capri, he drove a Honda Accord. Honda Accord owners never appreciated the sweat and pain involved in owning a Ford back then.. :)
Of course they’ve improved since then..That’s my disclaimer done, lol..

As my grandad use to say, ‘ you learn till the day you die ‘...He was academically bright like yourself and a member of Mensa with a high IQ..But modest as well, like yourself.
He taught me a lot in life...Especially in getting a better car, lol..

A WW2 veteran of the Royal Airforce, with many adventures to his name. I say that jokingly, he actually never talked about the World War much, he lost a lot of friends defending this nation and was nearly killed several times himself. I hope, as that generation becomes part of history soon, because unfortunately they are passing away.. that this country will never forget the sacrifice they made for our freedom. By remembering the fallen , we maybe able to prevent history repeating itself and make a better world.
What a lovely thought that would be..
At least they would not have died in vain.
What a different world it would have been if it hadn’t been for those people’s bravery...

Its good you’ve fallen in love. Love is the greatest thing. Making it last, is even greater ,lol..
Of course you will though, your first love is always the best..
Do not buy her a Capri though,lol...women are not impressed with such man indulgences.. I know, :)...unless it’s Ferrari or some other very expensive model..
Your a great guy, smart, caring and switched on to the world and have a lot to give. So be confident when you see her, because you have everything to be proud of.
Being young is a confusing time, hormones, emotions, career thoughts, it’s a tough time...God I wish I was 25 again...I wouldn’t have bought that Capri ,lol...

If you don’t mind, I’d prefer to stay on this forum for now..I don’t social media very much as it is..This is the most I’ve ever done..But I’m enjoying it, it’s nice to talk to you .

I promise I’ll be more sensible next time, lol..Humour sometimes, is my safety valve so I don’t dip to far into the void.. Sometimes I don’t want to be funny at all, the darkness is to heavy to even raise a smile..Depression, is the hardest thing, because it’s invisible, you can’t put a label on it. The stigma attached to it, is so hard. People that don’t have it, are blind to the people that do..
Your like a voice in the wilderness, wishing someone would just hear you and care..

I’ll tell you next time what it was like living with a Bi Polar, mother. If I can bring myself to remember those times.. They are complex people, but still have a lot to give. They process things differently than us, sometimes very quickly...But though my mother put me through a lot as a kid, I always knew in my heart, she was still my mum and she loved me in her own special unique way.
Your mother is always your mother.......And the boss...So they keep telling us ,lol...

Until next time my friend..Keep that confidence up and be strong ..

J51

modin
Posts: 25
Joined: Sun Jun 07, 2020 4:41 pm

Re: Feeling Isolated

Postby modin » Mon Jun 29, 2020 5:59 pm

Hey J :)

Good old days... I'm not as experienced as you are but I get a lot of nostalgia too sometimes! My nostalgia is more about games than cars though haha :)

Don't worry about reminiscing... it was interesting and amusing to read!

I'm taking your advice to heart. I'm trying to be more confident these days. I feel like confidence is the key! Plus it's attractive :) But you can only get so far with sheer willpower... better yet to really prove it to yourself through action. And that's where I've always had trouble. But step by step, I'll get there.

I am not at all familiar with deep depression. I get sad some days, for apparently no good reason... but it always gets better somehow. I don't know if there is an easy way for you to get better... I've read that depression is a disease, something that's not easily controlled through willpower, as we'd sometimes like to think. That it's a chemical deregulation in the brain.

I don't know if it's better for you to take your mind off all the bad thoughts as much as possible, or if it's better to face them by talking about them. But in any case, whatever you feel, you can tell me anything :)

If you're looking for some more entertainment to watch, check out Kurzgesagt on youtube! It's an awesome educational channel, very high quality, I really like them.


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