In my work life I am a very outwardly positive motivated individual working within a high pressure sales environment and have been for the last 20 years,. I manage a team of sales people and have to "set the pace" in my office. I have a good salary and have had success at work until now. Mental health is not an acceptable reason for less profit than last year!!!
In real life I am a go lucky, hippy type, social recluse who is massively intreverted who has stopped caring about most things, getting little pleasure in doing anything other than spending limited time with my kids. I have high outgoings financially and little disposable income. I get home from work and race to try to get to sleep as quickly as possible, shutting down my brain by smoking a couple of joints a night, to help sleep. All I want to do when I get home is sleep.
Last night I got home from work, put the TV on, turned down the volume and sat on the sofa in silence, staring into the muted TV, consumed by my thoughts. I woke up on the sofa at 02:29 and went to bed. I woke up this morning again cosumed by my thoughts, made myself a coffee and then started uncontrollably crying, and could not stop. I slowly got ready for work and eventually got into the car to attend a meeting at 10:00, still uncontrollably crying. It was obvious to me that I couldn't turn up to this meeting, crying like I was. I called my boss, omg that was hard. I sucked up the tears and composed myself for a brief moment and explained that I could not attend the meeting for personal reasons, he started quizzing me on what could be so important that I could not attend the meeting, in response I broke down on the telephone started crying uncontrollably, upon which he swiftly agreed that I could not attend.
I am finding life hard at the moment and cannot explain my uncontrollable tears and constant anxiety at work and suffer with social anxieties so much so as I find reasons not to socialise. My anxiety at work makes me feel like there is a massive ball of tangled string in my brain, there is a beginning and an end to this ball of string but so many tangles in the middle I am finding it impossible to get from the beginning to the end (figuratively speaking) and my progress and success at work is being closely managed by AD.
2.5 years ago I left my wife and kids. It was a forced decision having found out that my wife had been messaging another man for 18 months, she says nothing physical happened but the trust had gone and hurt had set in, I was constantly thinking about what had happened and thoughts of her with him. I could not live with the betrayal and lack of trust and had to make a decision. The decision I had to make was live miserably with my wife - but have the joy of my children being around 24/7, or leave my wife find love(eventually) but be miserable because I wouldn't have my kids around 24/7 - I chose the latter.
I now find myself in unchartered territory, unclear as to why I am not coping and fearful of going backwards in life. I have visions of being jobless, homeless and am terrified of letting down my kids and family.
I am also unclear as to whether I have been suffering with depression currently or indeed historically also. Was my depression the reason that my relationship failed? or was that the trigger for my depression. Is my attitude and mental health the reason for my performance at work? or is work the reason I am feeling this way? Chicken and egg scenario!
Any advice or similar experience that you are prepared to share would be greatly appreciated.