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paularose
Posts: 5
Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2020 3:45 pm

Help

Postby paularose » Thu Feb 20, 2020 12:34 am

Ok so dont kno if this works ..its taken me forever to find a way to type but I dont feel good and never reach out but I need to get help for the sake of my children xxx

sero
Posts: 4
Joined: Thu Feb 20, 2020 2:24 pm

Re: Help

Postby sero » Thu Feb 20, 2020 2:29 pm

Hi Paula, What is making you feel like this, Is it something specific?
If it makes you feel any better, I just found this website, this is my first contact with anyone. I was thinking of what to say about myself, then I saw your post and I don’t know why, but it reminded me of my mum.

paularose
Posts: 5
Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2020 3:45 pm

Re: Help

Postby paularose » Thu Feb 20, 2020 6:59 pm

Hi Sero .. thankyou so much for replying ... I have always suffered with depression and yesterday was just a very dark day ... I have attempted suicide before and have been feeling suicidal alot again recently ..It breaks my heart to think what I put my children and family through and I cannot do that to them again .. I guess I just had to do something to distract away from how I was feeling ..it was a big step to put it out there but I want to do what I can to help myself and thought it had to be worth trying today feels a little less desperate
Ah I wonder why you thought of your mum ..
hope you are ok and will find this site helpful .. have you sought online support before?

sero
Posts: 4
Joined: Thu Feb 20, 2020 2:24 pm

Re: Help

Postby sero » Fri Feb 21, 2020 1:40 am

It makes me sad to hear when people say they are in depression because I know there is nothing to say to make it better, or if the aim should even be to make it better. On one hand I wouldn’t want you to feel it, but on the other hand I feel like it’s something that is supposed to be recognised in order to get better. I used to think I was prone to feeling depressed, but I got so good at hiding my feelings, and now having come out as bi to my mum my bullet proof armour is starting to crack, now I feel immobilised by all this emotion. My mum always looks depressed to me, she always looked suicidal to me since I told her and I am so scared for her all the time. My dad attempted suicide before, this suicide thing is like a shadow that has been following me for a long time. I was so ready to take my life yesterday that it scared me and I cried like a baby. I’m very torn between pleasing my mum and breaking my heart as well my girlfriends heart, or pleasing my girlfriend and breaking my heart as well as my mums heart. I decided that it was a choice I cant make.

I don’t think I really want to die, i am very hopeless. I don’t want you to die either, I don’t know if I could live if my mum took her life, and to me you seem like a very very strong person to have made it this far, even if it is for your children’s sake. But do it for you too. I don’t know you as a person or your backstory, but I know you are great because in the face of endless confusion and certain death you continued to fight. We’re all gonna die anyway, but there’s nothing to be afraid of ever, and I think reminding myself of my death everyday through meditation or reading philosophy has made me understand my fragility, and in some ways has made some things easier and lighter, accepting responsibility for my problems, suffering through my fears and uncertainties, embracing my failures, it has all been made lighter by the thought of my own death. I read in a book that the more you peer into darkness the brighter life gets. As you may have noticed I have never sought support anywhere before, hence why I probably vomited all my thoughts and emotions in a messy way, as if this is the only chance I’m gonna get to say all this :)

Hope some of this resonated with you, Paula.

P.s. Maybe you haven’t heard of it, the mediation I do is called transcendental meditation, look it up if you feel interested.

leigh22
Posts: 1
Joined: Fri Feb 21, 2020 1:24 am

Re: Help

Postby leigh22 » Fri Feb 21, 2020 1:48 am

Hi, i can relate. Really wish I could help you and had the answers but it’s answers and help I’m seeking too. I have a beautiful daughter yet I can’t stop thinking about taking my own life. Ive also tried it before, was before I had my daughter but the effect it had on my family and friends at the time was awful. I feel horrible, selfish. I’m just so tired, tired of fighting to be strong. Tired of fighting to keep going. Tired of tackling life day by day and giving it time. Tired of feeling this low and tired of having these negative toxic thoughts constantly running through my head. I’ve suffered with anxiety & depression for years too although right now I feel as though I’m emotionally at rock bottom. I guess I’m writing on here to distract myself, I know that’s the way to keep going constantly distracting yourself. During the day I can do that however nights is when it gets worse the insomnia kicks in and I feel trapped within my own head. I really don’t understand myself, looking at the bigger picture I have an amazing little girl, supportive family & friends. I have a job and a roof over my head. There’s are so many people out there that would love to be in my position yet I’m taking it all for granted. Why, I ask myself that all the time! Ive got so many people around me yet somehow I feel so lonely it’s so strange to try explain. I’m so scared that one day I’ll just snap and go through with it then I’ll be gone breaking so many of my loved ones hearts, my daughter the most she’s my only real barrier from going ahead with this. I want to stop feeling like this, I don’t want to feel this emptiness anymore. I’ve completely lost myself as a person, I have no life or passion in me anymore. I’m just so exhausted existing in this world. Not really sure what else to say.

sero
Posts: 4
Joined: Thu Feb 20, 2020 2:24 pm

Re: Help

Postby sero » Fri Feb 21, 2020 12:29 pm

I’m sorry, I don’t know what to say, other than that we’re all in this thing together. This thing being a shitty spot between life and death, where nothing happens and nothing is felt.

I too have bad thoughts, they feel so real that they leave me in tears sometimes, even if I’m on public transport or walking down the street. I hear from a few people online and someone that attends the same meetings as me that transcendental meditation has helped them. The best way to describe what it does is if you think of an ocean, on the surface there are waves, and these waves can be ferocious and massive at times, that is life, that is stress and the place where every battle with our mind takes place, mediation allows you to sink to the bottom where it is calm, serene and tranquil, and with a pocket of air we rise up to the surface, we transcend, and this can be life changing. I haven’t yet risen and transcended, but I feel the calmness below, and each time I come out of the meditation I feel serene, my head is more clear. And maybe this is something that can help your thoughts too.

I hope that today is a better day.

paularose
Posts: 5
Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2020 3:45 pm

Re: Help

Postby paularose » Fri Feb 21, 2020 4:39 pm

It makes me so sad to hear other peoples desperation... especially as I know how it feels and I really hope that being in it together ..as you say ..will help in some way. I have thought of looking into meditation and the way you describe it has reminded me I really need to do this thankyou.
Sero I am sorry for the sadness that seems to be within not just you but also your family.. I dont know what conversations you have had with your mum and don’t want to underestimate how hard these situations are for some people but are you absolutely sure that there is no hope that she would accept you being bi even if it came as a shock to her at first..especially if she realised it was making you so depressed that you felt like taking your own life...you deserve to be happy and your true self and I would hope that she would rather have a few painful conversations than the pain of loosing her daughter... and does she know how worried about her you are ( if only it was that easy I know). bullet proof armour doesn't protect us as much as we think but the thought of that cracking can seem too painful to allow it .. the support here may not be enough so please look after yourself and if things are not getting easier maybe start with your Gp x

paularose
Posts: 5
Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2020 3:45 pm

Re: Help

Postby paularose » Fri Feb 21, 2020 4:53 pm

Leigh I really could have written your words myself ... word for word .. and I so wish I had the words or advice to make it just go away. I also have spent so much time hating myself for feeling this way when I have so much to be grateful for and when other people are coping with so much. And I love my family so much so why cant I just get up ..get on with life ...and be happy. Of course that is no more possible than wishing away any other illness so please dont put that guilt on yourself as it just makes you feel even worse and adds to the feelings of worthlessness ( which are not deserved) that comes with being depressed.
You say you are at rock bottom and I can hear that ... it is so important that you get help and messaging when you did took so much strength but its a serious worry when anyone feels this desperate. ..do your family know how bad you are feeling ? Do you have / have you had any other help with your depression?
I have been at rock bottom and can feel it creeping up on me again now which is why I reached out with my post the other evening ..I think I would cope better if I opened up to people who care about me more ... but of course I don't want to worry them so I isolate myself and then I get even more depressed and those negative toxic thoughts become louder. But thinking now I also realise that I am not as rock bottom as I was and I have hope for you that you will not always have to live like this ... please keep reaching out as much as you can .. let people in let them help you ... you are clearly a wonderful mother and your daughter is lucky to have you ... although there is no magic wand happier days are waiting xx

sero
Posts: 4
Joined: Thu Feb 20, 2020 2:24 pm

Re: Help

Postby sero » Sat Feb 22, 2020 3:16 pm

She knows I am worried about her and I think she tries to show less of her true feelings to me now.

I know she loves me, but she is someone that cares too much about what people think, and has always tried to display a strong perfect family to the outside world. And I believe she thinks that I am ruining this image.

Most times I hope she accepts me in time, but lately I’m feeling less hopeless. I think I need to focus on building my life, my career, otherwise I’ll feel like I have nothing.

I’m not a religious person, and I don’t believe in god. But I feel like we are all here for something, whether we succeed in finding that out or not is another question. But I really do want to understand. It’s one of the few reasons why I want to stick around.

I hope you both find meaning too, even if it is just raising good women and making them feel seen, heard and accepted. That is a great gift that we can give to another person.

I send my love to you both, and hope that today something or someone makes you truly smile.

paularose
Posts: 5
Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2020 3:45 pm

Re: Help

Postby paularose » Sat Feb 22, 2020 8:20 pm

Thankyou Sero much love and wishing you happiness and fullfilment xxx


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