It makes me sad to hear when people say they are in depression because I know there is nothing to say to make it better, or if the aim should even be to make it better. On one hand I wouldn’t want you to feel it, but on the other hand I feel like it’s something that is supposed to be recognised in order to get better. I used to think I was prone to feeling depressed, but I got so good at hiding my feelings, and now having come out as bi to my mum my bullet proof armour is starting to crack, now I feel immobilised by all this emotion. My mum always looks depressed to me, she always looked suicidal to me since I told her and I am so scared for her all the time. My dad attempted suicide before, this suicide thing is like a shadow that has been following me for a long time. I was so ready to take my life yesterday that it scared me and I cried like a baby. I’m very torn between pleasing my mum and breaking my heart as well my girlfriends heart, or pleasing my girlfriend and breaking my heart as well as my mums heart. I decided that it was a choice I cant make.
I don’t think I really want to die, i am very hopeless. I don’t want you to die either, I don’t know if I could live if my mum took her life, and to me you seem like a very very strong person to have made it this far, even if it is for your children’s sake. But do it for you too. I don’t know you as a person or your backstory, but I know you are great because in the face of endless confusion and certain death you continued to fight. We’re all gonna die anyway, but there’s nothing to be afraid of ever, and I think reminding myself of my death everyday through meditation or reading philosophy has made me understand my fragility, and in some ways has made some things easier and lighter, accepting responsibility for my problems, suffering through my fears and uncertainties, embracing my failures, it has all been made lighter by the thought of my own death. I read in a book that the more you peer into darkness the brighter life gets. As you may have noticed I have never sought support anywhere before, hence why I probably vomited all my thoughts and emotions in a messy way, as if this is the only chance I’m gonna get to say all this
Hope some of this resonated with you, Paula.
P.s. Maybe you haven’t heard of it, the mediation I do is called transcendental meditation, look it up if you feel interested.